M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Aid Station (1975)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Margaret : The least you could do is get out of the jeep.

  Hawkeye : Oh okay.

  [Dismounts from the jeep] 

  Hawkeye : Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do.

• Hawkeye : [Addressing Radar's mess tray]  Two mounds of mashed potatoes for breakfast?

  Captain John McIntyre : I think I used to go steady with that tray.

  Hawkeye : We could patent that, you know? Potato Falsies.

  Major Franklin Marion Burns : [eating with Margaret]  Foul Mouths! There *is* a lady present

  Captain John McIntyre : [Looks around]  Well, where is there a lady present?

  [Klinger walks over to table] 

  Hawkeye : Now there's a lady present!

• Hawkeye : In my locker.

  Captain John McIntyre : Yeah.

  Hawkeye : There's a letter.

  Captain John McIntyre : Ok.

  Hawkeye : It's my will.

  Captain John McIntyre : Right.

  Hawkeye : I leave everything to the Benjamin Franklin Pierce Memorial Brothel.

  Captain John McIntyre : [laughs]  I'll deliver it in person.

• Hawkeye : Major, I gotta tell you something. But if you repeat it to anyone, I'll deny it. You are my favorite officer in the whole U.S. Army.

  Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Same goes for me, Major. You're aces.

• Hawkeye : Listen.

  Captain John McIntyre : Yeah.

  Hawkeye : While I'm gone.

  Captain John McIntyre : Yeah, yeah.

  Hawkeye : Promise me you'll go out with other doctors.

  Captain John McIntyre : Yeah, right. And when you come back, knock twice and give me five minutes.

• Hawkeye : Shall we drink to Douglas MacArthur or Ish Kabibble?

  Captain John McIntyre : I don't know. They both mean so much to me.

  Hawkeye : No Kidding. Let's drink to something important.

  Hawkeye , Captain John McIntyre : [In unison]  To the Ritz Brothers!

  [Gulp martinis and throw them at the door] 

• Hawkeye , Margaret , Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : [singing 'The Caissons Go Rolling Along']  For it's hi, hi, hee in the hoo hoo ha ha hee.

• Hawkeye : I should be excused. I'm single. I have the most kids.

• Margaret : Don't think of me as a woman.

  Hawkeye : Don't stand in profile.

• Hawkeye : Some dessert? Would you like to see the pastry tank? We have some military favorites. Napoleonic war, Pie Alamo, Caramel Custer.

• Hawkeye : Boy, your mind is in the gutter.

  Captain John McIntyre : I can't help it. It's attached to my body.