- Hawkeye: [Addressing Radar's mess tray] Two mounds of mashed potatoes for breakfast?
- Captain John McIntyre: I think I used to go steady with that tray.
- Hawkeye: We could patent that, you know? Potato Falsies.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [eating with Margaret] Foul Mouths! There *is* a lady present
- Captain John McIntyre: [Looks around] Well, where is there a lady present?
- [Klinger walks over to table]
- Hawkeye: Now there's a lady present!
- Hawkeye: In my locker.
- Captain John McIntyre: Yeah.
- Hawkeye: There's a letter.
- Captain John McIntyre: Ok.
- Hawkeye: It's my will.
- Captain John McIntyre: Right.
- Hawkeye: I leave everything to the Benjamin Franklin Pierce Memorial Brothel.
- Captain John McIntyre: [laughs] I'll deliver it in person.
- Hawkeye: Major, I gotta tell you something. But if you repeat it to anyone, I'll deny it. You are my favorite officer in the whole U.S. Army.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Same goes for me, Major. You're aces.
- Hawkeye: Listen.
- Captain John McIntyre: Yeah.
- Hawkeye: While I'm gone.
- Captain John McIntyre: Yeah, yeah.
- Hawkeye: Promise me you'll go out with other doctors.
- Captain John McIntyre: Yeah, right. And when you come back, knock twice and give me five minutes.
- Hawkeye: Shall we drink to Douglas MacArthur or Ish Kabibble?
- Captain John McIntyre: I don't know. They both mean so much to me.
- Hawkeye: No Kidding. Let's drink to something important.
- Hawkeye, Captain John McIntyre: [In unison] To the Ritz Brothers!
- [Gulp martinis and throw them at the door]
- Hawkeye, Margaret, Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [singing 'The Caissons Go Rolling Along'] For it's hi, hi, hee in the hoo hoo ha ha hee.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: You guys at the rear have no respect for the front line troops, stealing our dresses.
- Henry Blake: Back home, my biggest decisions are whether or not to have my own bowling ball made... and do I get the cat fixed. Sending people to the front's just not my speed.
- Hawkeye: Some dessert? Would you like to see the pastry tank? We have some military favorites. Napoleonic war, Pie Alamo, Caramel Custer.
- Hawkeye: Boy, your mind is in the gutter.
- Captain John McIntyre: I can't help it. It's attached to my body.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: I missed you so. I slept with one of your boots under my pillow, honest, really. I wrote you the longest love letter of my life. It takes up almost a whole roll of toilet paper.