I'm really not in the mood to watch this tonight, as obviously it's not Halloween, and it's revolting watching most Halloween-themed movies try and fail with all their releases.
2007's 'Trick 'r Treat' was decent but decay like 'Double, Double Toil, and Trouble,' 'Cemetery of Terror,' 'Scarecrow Slayer,' 'Dark Harvest 2: The Maize' and 'The Messenger' are revolting; this movie 'Pumpkin Karver' is no exception.
How do you fail to make a good movie based around the fall season when you have the advantage of Halloween itself to accommodate? Half the work's done for you with the settings. No Halloween movie should fail. I'm looking at you, 'Cobweb.'
There aren't that many good Christmas movies, either.
I almost opted for 'Kaw' tonight, but that movie should stand trial on all charges.
A near-perfect 10/10 Victoria's Secret Angel is babysitting her 18-year-old brother on Halloween night when a band member from Mudvayne, Ryan Martinie, pops up on the scene with his devil horns drunk and disorderly.
As if this Lynn chick would go out with that punk rocker.
The start of the movie has the Halloween setting down pat, but where's the iconic music to make it memorable? What, Mr. Sandman, at the very beginning? It's already been used. No credit, movie.
A cloaked figure enters Lynn's house uninvited, and is that Pumpkin Karver? Is he really going to mess up that body of art? A comedy of errors takes place, resulting in one death. What just happened is what you'd call an A-grade mishap, people.
The Mudvayne member dons a cheap dollar store mask and is armed with a prop knife, and the 18-year-old Fruit Loop views it as breaking and entering and stabs him cold, even though it's just a prank. Whoops.
Jump to the future, and the brother and sister skip town for a fresh start elsewhere.
They nearly mow down a Sydney Olympics 2000 pumpkin thrower gold medalist in their haste to get to a "killer party" of all things. Yeah, after you've just murdered someone, you want to rush straight to a "killer party."
We're then introduced to six annoying victims in the movie.
The guy dressed as Hulk proves why you cheer for the killer in this movie.
The 18-year-old Fruit Loop is attacked by a dream, then meets French painter Tammy, who's cute in an 8/10 sort of way and kind of resembles Jessica Alba when the contrast is angled right. But if she scrunches her face up again, like at the 18:17 minute mark, then she drops back to an automatic 1/10.
If you think the Hulk kid is annoying, wait until you meet the two Greek mythologists. They're pinned on my wish list to be first killed. Either them or Hulk, I'm not picky.
Everyone in this is a comedian, overplaying their hand in the comedy stakes, but I'm sitting here like a prisoner in a Chinese holding cell being forced to watch communist army stand-up.
Let me go check what everyone else has rated this movie on IMDb. Hang on. 3/10 overall. But some brave souls have given it a 10/10.
The three girls dressed as Charlie's Angels drop the intelligence levels of this movie's meter, which is fading fast anyway due to all the other actors theatrics.
The only attraction keeping this movie together is Lynn, played by Amy Weber. I've seen her in something else before, but I can't recall where.
The pick of the Charlie's Angels chicks is killed first. Come on, why her? And by a chisel? How's that even possible? You can't stab someone with a chisel. That's the choice of weapon by our killer? It was rather sensual of her before her death to lick that seatbelt the way she did. Bit arousing. But why write out one of the more favorable characters first and not those other annoying pests?
Take this scene, for instance. The worst thing they could have done was put the Greek mythologists clowns together with the Hulk twit in one scene.
The reason why this movie fails is because of scenes like this one around the 36-minute mark. And this affects my rating in the negative bracket. It's all immature behavior, and I'm not laughing. Did anybody else? I guess the people who rated this 10/10 did.
Hopefully, around the 40-minute mark, there can be some redemption and a few points scaled back when this Hulk character gets what's coming to him. You only have to listen to the woeful lines he's delivering before he dies to confirm your hatred of him. He's like the Oscar of 2018's 'Halloween' with his rosy cheeks. Why do they cast horrible actors like this?
Wait a minute, 48 minutes in, and where's the Pumpkin Karver killer?
The 18-year-old Fruit Loop keeps fantasizing dark thoughts through projection, and how come that hot Lynn from the beginning of the movie is hardly in it? She's the star attraction being underutilized.
The more these other people display their acting skills, the more my negative rating accumulates. That five-point surplus for killing Hulk has been all chewed up and dwindled away.
Now the foul language seeps in with every second word, a vulgar curse lashing. What did thingo say in 'Seven?' "It's very impressive to see a man feeding off his emotions." Or, in this case, women.
It takes around an hour to kill off one of the annoying Greek mythologists. Thanks for nothing, movie. He was in it for three-quarters of the movie. More than enough time to ruin everything.
What's any characters purpose in this movie? They're just walking around aimlessly with no cause or reason. Is there really even a point to this movie?
The Pumkin Karver finally decides to make a cameo at the end of his own movie when it's nearly all over. He goes after the Jessica Alba lookalike, Tammy. I'm surprised she's killed off.
The big movie reveal at the end is that the 2000 Sydney Olympics pumpkin thrower is really the Pumpkin Karver. He possesses only a third of the Emperor's electricity hands. Somehow, the Mudvayne guy shows up even though he died at the beginning and is killed a second time.
I don't think this movie knows what it's doing.
Um, Mudvayne returns again a third time somehow, but I kind of checked out a while back and lost interest. So, I don't even care.
The chick I was cheering for, Lynn, made it 99% of the way, but Mudvayne kills her apparently even though he has died three times already. I can't recall what else I've seen that actress in. Her face is so familiar. Was it 'Cry Wolf?' "Urban Legend?"
That'll drive me crazy. I've seen her face before from somewhere.
My final rating is shallow, and that's largely thanks to 95% of the male actors in this movie.
Even the 18-year-old brother in this and his facial expression reminded me of my other cat's sad eyes.
The movie cleverly deployed a fair bit of eye candy, which glues some of it together, but it becomes unstuck at times due to the immature behavior of said males.
Oh, and yeah, only one of the Greek mythologists was killed when beheaded. What happened to the other one?
I probably wasn't paying attention, as I have the attention span of a moth.
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