The Cat in the Hat (2003)
Mike Myers: The Cat
Photos
Quotes
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The Cat : [English accent] I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.
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The Cat : [showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally : S-L-O-W?
The Cat : Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad : Oh, you mean...
The Cat : No! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!
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The Fish : Someone else should drive!
The Cat : Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive.
[gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad : Are you serious?
The Cat : I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.
Conrad : This is awesome!
Sally : I want to drive.
The Cat : I think that's a great idea.
[gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad : Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
The Cat : You're right. We should all drive.
[gets his own wheel]
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[to a hoe]
The Cat : Dirty Hoe... I'm sorry, baby. I love you.
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The Cat : You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. I'd do it for nothing.
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[after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver]
The Cat : Son of a bi- *beep*!
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Thing Two : Don't belittle me.
The Cat : Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
Thing Two : And all of the above.
The Cat : He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.
Thing Two : Ben.
[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
The Cat : Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.
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The Cat : [as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
The Cat : [as a cooking show host] Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!
The Cat : [as the cook] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
The Cat : [as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute...
The Cat : [as the cook] And you're ugly, just like your mum.
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The Cat : Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.
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The Cat : Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.
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Sally : Who are you?
The Cat : Who, Me? Why I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"..."key lime"..."turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!
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The Cat : [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Convex... you probably don't wanna do that.
Conrad : Why not? It's just a crate.
The Cat : This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad : But it says "Made in the Philippines".
The Cat : Yes, but not *this* Philippines.
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The Cat : [sinister voice] There is a third option!
[Vaudeville keyboard music]
Sally : There is?
The Cat : Yes. It involves... murder!
[More vaudeville keyboard music]
Conrad : That's your option?
The Cat : [normal voice] No. You guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.
The Cat : [back to sinister] Or did I?
[More vaudeville keyboard music]
Sally : Cat, you're not helping!
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The Cat : Scream and run.
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The Cat : C'mon kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!
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[repeated line]
The Cat : Oh yeah!
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The Cat : If this were my house, I'd be furious.
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The Cat : Listen kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change.
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Lawrence Quinn : Why am I sneezing?
The Cat : [tapping on Quinn's shoulder] That'd be me. BOO!
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[last lines]
Narrator : Well, what would you do if your mother asked you? The family was whole, all thanks to the Cat, who was dashing and charming, no doubt about that. He was witty and cultured... and, well, very endearing... and tremendously attractive, but in a sort of real way. You know, kind of an approachable way that I think you don't see these days...
The Cat : [the narrator is revealed to be the Cat using a voice-changer] Oh! Hello! I was just, uh... I really should be going. How'd they get so smart?
[Joan spends quality time with her children, jumping on the living room couch, while the Cat along with Things 1 and 2 walk off into the sunset]
The Cat : Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How about Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Oh, Things are complicated.
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The Cat : Okay, here we go. GPS, check. DVD, CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a... Czech.
[chortling]
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The Cat : Suzy... Cromwell... Please...