Memorable quotes for
The Cat in the Hat (2003) More at IMDb Pro »

[the Cat is looking at a photo]
The Cat: Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?
Conrad: That's my mom.
[pause]
The Cat: Awkward.

---

The Fish: Stop this right now!
Conrad: Who said that?
The Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then *nothing*!
Sally: The fish is talking.
The Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.

---

Conrad: I'm not going to military school.
Lawrence Quinn: Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.

---

Sally: You need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.
The Cat: Alright, I'll try.
Sally: [grabs the Cat in the Hat by his bowtie] You don't try, you do!

---

The Cat: [showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally: S-L-O-W?
The Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad: Oh, you mean...
The Cat: NO! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!

---

[repeated line]
The Cat: Oh yeah!

---

The Fish: This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!

---

Sally: Like being in the circus!
The Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.

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The Cat: There is a third option!
[Vaudeville Keyboard music]
Sally: There is?
The Cat: Yes. It involves... MURDER!
[More vaudeville keyboard music]

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The Cat: [English accent] I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.

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The Cat: Scream and run.

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[after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver]
The Cat: Son of a (beep)!

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Sally: Where did you come from?
The Cat: Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that-
Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from?
The Cat: My place, what do you think?

---

The Cat: You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. I do it for nothing.

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The Cat: C'mon kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!

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The Cat: [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Condax... you probably don't wanna do that.
Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.
The Cat: This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".
The Cat: Yes, but not this Philippines.

---

Lawrence Quinn: Why am I sneezing?
The Cat: [tapping on Quinn's shoulder] That'd be me. BOO!

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The Cat: [as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!
The Cat: [as the cook] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute...
The Cat: [as the cook] And you're ugly, just like your mum.

---

[to a hoe]
The Cat: Dirty Hoe... I'm sorry, baby. I love you.

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The Fish: Oh my Cod!

---

Sally: Who are you?
The Cat: Who, Me? Why I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're...”meline"...”key lime"...”turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!

---

Mom: Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules; Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone: "City Morgue".
Sally: Mommy, can't I have some rules?
Mom: No chewing tobacco.

---

The Fish: Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother's rules!
[the phone rings, and The Cat answers it]
The Cat: City Morgue!
The Fish: EIGHTEEN!

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Lawrence Quinn: Anything for my little Princess.
Sally: Oh, I don't wanna be a princess, in a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the real power.

---

The Cat: Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.

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[Sally, Conrad and Mrs. Kwan are watching TV. It shows a scene of Taiwanese Parliament Members fighting]
Conrad, Sally: Taiwanese Parliament.
Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang. No more big government! Rip his heart out!

---

The Fish: [on the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!

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The Fish: Someone else should drive!
The Cat: Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive.
[gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad: Are you serious?
The Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.
Conrad: This is awesome!
Sally: I want to drive.
The Cat: I think that's a great idea.
[gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
The Cat: You're right. We should all drive.
[gets his own wheel]

---

Mom: [on phone] What do you mean you're leaving? You're a baby sitter. Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave.

---

Mr. Humberfloob: First, I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan.
[McFinnigan shakes Humberfloob's hand, to everyone else's shock]
Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you-
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: But I...
Mr. Humberfloob: [shouting] Fireeeee-dah!
[McFinnigan runs away crying]

---

The Cat: Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.

---

Mr. Humberfloob: [speaking to Joan] If your house is as messy as last time, you're FIRRRRRRRE-DUH!

---

Conrad: So, what do we do?
The Cat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me me me me-ow!
Sally: How many shots?

---

The Fish: A dog goes, "Woof woof," and everybody knows that little Timmy's trapped under a log. But a fish speaks in plain English...

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Thing Two: Don't belittle me.
The Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
Thing Two: And all of the above.
The Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.
Thing Two: Ben.
[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
The Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.

---

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