se7endaze Reviews

Mr. Jingles (2006 Video)

Mr. Jingles... For lack of a better term...

[1/10 · 20 December 2007]

It's been a while since I have watched such an atrocity in film. And to think this film is a sequel to the 2003 direct-to-video killer-clown movie "S.I.C.K.". In this presentation, Mr. Jingles wreaks bloody revenge on those who put him away. One survivor has spent years in an asylum to recover from what she saw, but upon her release, Mr. Jingles returns to finish what he started.

I shot a movie off of my cellphone that turns out better FX and dialogue than this movie... Actually.... I watched better movies in highschool that were done for film projects... If you want BAD EVERYTHING in a film... this is the film for you... And what's with the cheesy one-liners?

Resident Evil (2002)

Thanks, but I'll stick to the game

[5/10 · 28 December 2005]

This film opens in the "Hive", the massive underground research complex run by the Evil Umbrella Corporation. A vile containing a deadly virus is broken and it sifts it's way throughout the entire complex, wiping out everyone. This, if in all reality, would not have happened if the Hive had not been entirely connected by the ventilation system. But hey, I guess it goes to show, Military intelligence isn't too high in the movie world either.

Casting includes Milla Jovovich as Alice, who was found in the mansion suffering from amnesia, but coincidently remembers how to kick ass, and looks great doing it. Michelle Rodriguez is Rain, by far the toughest and sexiest member of the task force sent into the Hive to check things out. A female commando, who knows how to get it done, go figure. And then there are the other guys in the cast who survive past the 30-minute mark, but they're just the bait for the baddies. Most of the movie consists of the main characters shouting orders, and occasionally getting hoarded by zombies. Oh, and there's a deadly laser beam, which is fun to watch for the most unexpected decapitations I've seen. However, I was impressed with the licker, and the "Cujo" wanna-be zombie dogs.

Director Paul Anderson gives the film a nice Holly' gloss finish. And the music, industrial metal which got very annoying, managed to drown out some of the lousy dialogue. This was more of an action movie than the horror flick I expected, it doesn't even stride with George A. Romero's zombie films.

The one thing that messed up the movie for me was the unnecessary last scene that sets up the sequel; you already know (if you've played the game) that one was coming. Thanks, but I'll stick to the game

Alice in Wonderland (1999 TV Movie)

Not my cup of tea..... nope, not for me.......

[4/10 · 17 July 2005]

The story will be familiar to most. Dreading a singing recital at her parents' lavish home, Alice falls into a strange world in pursuit of a large White Rabbit. The talented child actor Tina Majorino (Corrina, Corrina, Napolian Dynamite) plays Alice with all the good graces but mostly wanders through strange, hallucinogenic journeys that take her to strange places, has her shrink and then grow very large, and leads her to meet all sorts of surreal characters...

Carroll's tale of whimsical, illogical adventures is a field day for designers, the costumes and makeup are extremely well done, and the special effects are of the usual high standard you would expect from Jim Henson's Creature Shop. But this production is all dressed up without anywhere worthwhile to go. Influenced by Time Bandits and Labyrinth, the film has a splendid array of effects, many dealing with multiple perspectives...

The highlights are Whoopi Goldberg as the Cheshire Cat, a seamless mix of cat and comic. Martin Short as the Mad Hatter. And Mirandra Richardson as the Queen of Hearts, who has put a memorable, if not piercing, personal stamp on the line, "Off with his head". She must say it sixty times during the movie...

The show is not for all tastes, particularly if your idea of Alice in Wonderland is solidly fixed upon Disney's very different if unjustly maligned 1951 animated feature. If you're in the right frame of mind, however, Miller's Alice works wonderfully well….

American Crime (2004 Video)

This one's sure to keep audiences guessing right up to the end...

[6/10 · 27 June 2005]

A series of gruesome murders has brought terror to a small town, and they are made all the more horrible by the method by which they are documented. The killer stalks his victims with a video camera, recording their every move before he strikes; he then sends a tape of the killing to his next victim. Jessie St. Clair (Racheal Leigh Cook) is a young reporter who sees her shot at a big break and goes for it, launching an investigation into the murder of a topless dancer; she is assisted by her cameraman Rob (Kip Pardue) and her producer Jane Berger (Annabella Sciorra). But before Jessie gets any closer to the truth, she receives a videotape in the mail, and she knows she's next on the killer's list. As tensions mount and the murderer closes in, the whole crew begins to suspect one another; the arrival of solitary reporter Albert Bodine (Cary Elwes), sent by the nationally syndicated show "AMERICAN CRIME", only serves to heighten their misgivings. This stylish, suspenseful thriller boasts the excellent digital cinematography of director Dan Mintz, and is sure to keep audiences guessing right up to the end.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Its uniqueness is more important that its quality....

[8/10 · 19 June 2005]

Anyone who has even the slightest trouble with insomnia after seeing a horror movie should stay away from The Blair Witch Project--this film will creep under your skin and stay there for days. Credit for the effectiveness of this mock documentary goes to filmmakers Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez, who armed three actors (Heather Donahue, Michael Williams, and Josh Leonard) with video equipment, camping supplies, and rough plot outlines. They then let the trio loose into the Maryland woods to improvise and shoot the entire film themselves as the filmmakers attempted to scare the crap out of them. Gimmicky, yes, but it worked…

For those of you who were under a rock when it first hit the theaters, The Blair Witch Project tracks the doomed quest of three film students shooting a documentary on the Burkittsville, Maryland, and legend of the Blair Witch. After filming some local yokels (and providing only scant background on the witch herself), the three, led by Heather (something of a witch herself), head into the woods for some on-location shooting. They're never seen again. What we see is a reconstruction of their "found" footage, edited to make a barely coherent narrative. After losing their way in the forest, whining soon gives way to real terror as the three find themselves stalked by unknown forces that leave piles of rocks outside their campsite and stick-figure art projects in the woods. The masterstroke of the film is that you never actually see what's menacing them; everything is implied, and there's no terror worse than that of the unknown. If you can wade through the tedious arguing--and the shaky, motion-sickness-inducing camera-work--you'll be rewarded with an oppressively sinister atmosphere and one of the most frightening denouements in horror-film history.

The film does hold up. Its uniqueness is more important that its quality, but there's not a lot unique out there. This is one of those great Saturday-wanna-scare-the-crap-out-of-you-Night movies, a true ghost story… I severely enjoyed this one

Blade: Trinity (2004)

Canada Day celebrations haven't seen this many fireworks....

[7/10 · 19 June 2005]

Marvel's mutant vampire hunter returns in this third installment of the series, and considering the plethora of vampires killed in recent movies, it's a wonder that any of the rapacious bloodsuckers still exist. But apparently they are still here wreaking their havoc, with only Blade (Wesley Snipes) and his mentor Whistler (an even more grizzled than usual Kris Kristofferson) around to stop them...

This newest adventure has Blade pursuing none other than a resurrected Dracula (Dominic Purcell), now known as Drake and looking like a 1980's Goth rocker. Oh yeah, it seems that Drake was napping in a crypt in Iraq, making him the only weapon of mass destruction found there to date… funny!

In Blade : Trinity, Blade finds himself being pursued by police, thus teaming with a tiny but earnest band of guerilla vampire-hunters who call themselves Night stalkers. They would have opted for the name "Care bears, but that was already taken", as the wisecracking Han Solo type named Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) put it. The group is led by Whistler's daughter, Abigail (Jessica Biel), who officially breaks out of the 7th Heaven leash after her shower scene. And finally, Sommerfield (Natasha Lyonne), a blind scientist working on a more permanent solution to the vampire problem. Their nemeses include a particularly strong-willed female vampire (Parker Posey, taking a break from earnest indie films), her cohorts (Callum Keith and WWE star Triple H), and about a billion 'n' a half vampires. Who seem to die at the drop of a silver bullet or the flash of an ultraviolet light, and their deaths are downright festive. They light up like golden x-rays, and then explode into a shower of sparks. Canada Day celebrations haven't seen this many fireworks in it's 135+ years of existence, what are we thinking?

The ending suggests that there may be more "Blade" films, but the prospects seem far-fetched. After Dracula shows up in your vampire flick, is there anywhere else to go? This is by far the most humorous "Blade" flick, and it has surely topped the trio

Blade (1998)

'Blade' is perhaps not great art, but certainly great fun...

[5/10 · 19 June 2005]

Wesley Snipes stars as Blade, an immortal 'day-walker' who considers it his mission to hunt vampires. Blade's mother was bitten by a vampire during her pregnancy, which passed a variety of powers on to her son. Blade benefited from the best attributes of both vampires and humans, and grew up to be a vampire hunter in order to avenge the death of his mother, and to find the means of becoming "human" once more. Snipes does his best "Terminator" impression by hiding almost all of Blade's emotions beneath a macho facade. This approach works on a certain level – it makes Blade a more dangerous and ambiguous figure, but it also prevents the audience from connecting with him. But, before he can dream of becoming completely human, he must deal with the new leader of the vampire nation, Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff), whose stated goal is nothing less than the complete domination of the world. Despite being over-the-top, Stephen Dorff fails to imbue Frost with the ferocity necessary to make him a memorable villain. Blade is aided by Adam Whistler (Kris Kristofferson), who provides him with a range of high-tech solutions. The grizzled sidekick lays down a nice character role performance for the future installments.

N'bushe Wright is simply boring. The supporting cast includes the internationally known Udo Kier as the vampire whose position Frost inherits, and ex-porn star Traci Lords as Frost's long-toothed mistress.

A fine combination of action, science fiction and horror, 'Blade' is one of the best comic book adaptations to date. The performances in Blade are serviceable. While hardly deep or cerebral, they manage to capture much of the spirit of the original comic book and succeed in not turning it into a children's cartoon. The film provides plenty of action and effects, fights and blood. The violence is successfully broken up with a variety of one-liners and humor.

The atmosphere is so well-developed that it's easy to forget how derivative and monotonous the plot is, and to get lost in the darkness of Blade's paranoid, vampire-filled world. Blade is fueled by a kinetic energy, and there are scenes, such as the opening dance club sequence, the "Blood Bath", that functions as exotic, erotic assaults on the senses. Ultimately, that all turns out to be a rich icing on a half-baked cake. Blade has the capacity to dazzle, but it also will leave many viewers dissatisfied. Stylish and entertaining, 'Blade' is perhaps not great art, but certainly great fun.

Barb Wire (1996)

Watching Pamela scale a barbed wire fence naked... would be more entertaining...

[3/10 · 19 June 2005]

As the buxom blonde, who by day is the operator of the nightclub Hammerhead but by night takes to her Triumph motorcycle to hit the streets to perform dangerous black ops, Pamela Anderson-Lee creates a titular character that is all snarl and sneer, all leather and leather (no need for lace when your outer garments are your undergarments). Despite being outfitted in leather and spike heels, Anderson Lee doesn't make for an appealing action star -- the silicon enhancements might have screen presence, but the star doesn't. Okay, so she looks good on a motorcycle, but that's about it. Her delivery of the requisite quips is awful, and her signature line "Don't call me babe!" is much weaker than anything Eastwood or Swartzenegger might ever have uttered…

The film makers undoubtedly recognized that they were making a bad film. Why else cast such an obviously-untalented actress in the lead role? What they seemed to be banking on is that Barb Wire would at least be fun, which it isn't. The element of high camp that makes for enjoyable "good trash" isn't present. Bad movies like this often generate small cult followings, and that's about the size of audience the picture deserves…

Unfortunately, other than a couple of very obvious, absurdly over-the-top scenes, this film is just plain boring. Aside from observing Pamela Anderson Lee's apparent assets, the only reason to stay awake during Barb Wire, is to admire what Tommy Lee did…

Watching Pamela scale a barbed wire fence naked would not only be more entertaining, but a lot less painful than sitting through this monotonous, very "Rusty" film

The Backlot Murders (2002 Video)

Spend your money on something else... I hear Corey Haim's selling his underwear on eBay...

[5/10 · 19 June 2005]

The plot is a good one, a production company decides to shoot a rock video on the old Hollywood "back lots"(hence the title) before they're torn down. Things start off nicely with some good killings but once we get into the main characters, we're dealt a very bad hand. This group is filled with annoying and/or paper-thin characters that are so interchangeable that we never even figure out their names.

The cast includes "stars" like Charles Fleischer and Priscilla Barnes. It also includes Corey Haim, it's sad to see how far this very good actor (if you don't believe me, rent Lucas) has fallen. Maybe he thought this would get him back into the movies, but he made an awful choice. Don't worry, he only has 10 lines or so, then the good old hack'n'slash gets him. The script is wretched, the performances are paper-thin. Props go out to Haim, Fleischer and Jaime Anstead for rising above the material to at least make me smile a few times. The movie's biggest flaw is that it takes itself much too seriously. They should have made a campy, spoof of slashers, or a spoof of Hollywood, anything but a serious study into the mind of a psycho because it just didn't fly…

As for the genre staples, boobs and blood, Backlot Murders boasts them both, but never have they been so disappointing. The breasts are all fake, and if we ever run out of silicone, blame the "actresses" who make up this cast. The gore is hit or miss. They obviously had a budget but they wimped out on some of the better kills and didn't show as much as they needed to make this a film worth recommending. The only thing I did like was the mask on the killer, very unique…

If you're a fan of fake boobs and dry humor, you'd really have to see the movie to understand, then maybe you'll enjoy The Backlot Murders. Otherwise, spend your money on something else. I hear Corey Haim's selling his underwear on eBay...

The Amityville Horror (1979)

If you buy this one... put it on the shelf and leave it there

[2/10 · 19 June 2005]

There is no real horror in this 1979 flick, all be it deemed a classic…… I personally have no idea why. Two boring hours, with the cheesiest effects ever attempted, a movie that made me crave a refund……

I can honestly say that I was disappointed with this movie. It wasn't the movie I was hoping for. And in addition, I have not seen the remake yet, but I hope they've juiced it up a bit more. James Brolin and Margot Kidder star as newlyweds who move into an empty home on Long Island, and are gradually affected by the legacy of a murder committed on the property. The most horrifying part of the movie in my opinion, was the totally unnecessary sight of James Brolin approaching the camera in his underwear…… three times!!!! You'll end up watching this "Horror" flick from a distance, instead of feeling involved, which I'm sure was intended.

If you do rent this one, wait…… if you buy this one, put it on the shelf and leave it there, better yet…… don't buy or rent it, it's not worth the lint in your pocket! There are many, many worse ways to spend two hours of your time.

Club Dread (2004)

Broken Lizard comedy troupe has huge potential and, given time, could be the next Monty Python....

[7/10 · 28 May 2005]

Coconut Pete's Pleasure Island is the hot spot for Spring Breakers. As the guests depart the boat for a week of sex, drinking and drugs, the employees welcome them all including the hosts island, Coconut Pete (Bill Paxton). When a few of the employees turn up brutally murdered, the rest of them have to keep doing their job or they all die. Only the clues from a bad Coconut Pete song can save them and reveal who the killer is. Everyone begins to look suspicious as more employees die. Could it be Sam (Erik Stolhanske) the Fun Policeman; Jenny (Brittany Daniel), the fitness instructor; Juan (Steve Lemme), the Costa Rican diving instructor; Putman (Jay Chandrasekhar), the British tennis coach; Dave (Paul Soter), the drug addled DJ; or the new masseur Lars(Kevin Heffernan) who scores extra laughs, blessed with ability to give people orgasms with just the slightest touch?

The movie would be much funnier if it were 20 minutes shorter. For instance, the movie contains a lot of random nudity and various sex acts, just to fulfill the titillation quotient, but they're not funny. Too often scenes feel like they're thrown in to lengthen the movie without having any real purpose. However, when the movie does get into the full swing of things, it's brilliant.

It has the most fun with the cliché of the maniac who can't be killed, in this case even after being run through with a machete, drowned and - well, let's not give away all the jokes. The off-beat minds that brought us "Super Troopers" returns in one of the better horror movie spoofs. While not as clever as their first outing, "Club Dread" shows that the Broken Lizard comedy troupe has huge potential and, given time, could be the next Monty Python.

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

British horror fans, and Horror fans around the world, can thank Mr. Romero...

[8/10 · 25 May 2005]

Discussion of what albums can be sacrificed, such as the soundtrack to Batman, are just one of the many hysterical segments in this film.

Unlike the typical, Pace-fading tempo, British films are used to dishing out to their viewers.... this one actually gains momentum as it "Knocks-off" character favorites along the way. This film should please fans of both, Mr. Bean / Monty Python pun humor, and the "EEWWW! That was GROSS!!!" humor as well. Also, I love how the Winchester Pub gives Shaun and Ed new goals, aside their current content for life, which is: Killing Zombies and Drinking Beer.

British horror fans, and Horror fans around the world, can thank Mr. Romero for capitalizing on the low-budget horror industry...... which spawns this creative and insightful comedy.... Unlike the Evil Dead Films, this horror comedy actually puts zombies and gore on a back-burner, and brings forth some wicked humor and splendid performances...

All in all, it's a very funny, great time!!!

Wrong Turn (I) (2003)

My overall opinion is...... It's all been done before!

[5/10 · 24 May 2005]

Wrong Turn does a better job spoofing the horror movie genre than films like Scream and Scary Movie did, but it does take the concept of hillbillies to a whole new level. Starting with the whole "Don't turn down that road, 'cause something bad is going to happen!!!" Or the surprisingly predictable, "Hmmm, there's nothing to be afraid of, here at the .... HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!!" This film would have been better, if different film techniques were used, like making this 70's Horror Wannabe Film actually looked like it was filmed in the 70's..... Stan Winston's make-up effects were very pleasing though, and the last 45 minutes of the film do actually keep you hanging and holding your breath....... But, my overall opinion is...... It's all been done before!