How a "horror" movie can have such a short runtime but be so complete void of anything interesting is somewhat remarkable. Unfortunately Im on a losing streak tonight and this is the third barely watchable stinker in a row. Avoid. The only thing that could have made this one worse is the shaky cam nonsense, but that's not enough to give such a vapid experience any points. At about the 54 minute mark, there is a treacherous scene where 2 people accidentally stab each other to death. The absurdity of the scene in question in all its amazing glory caused me to go ahead and award +1 star, but think of it more as a razzie.
Reviews
173 Reviews
Breathe
(I) (2024)
A sci fi disappointment, to say the least..
11 April 2024
I didn't have any clue what this was when I decided to check out the latest new scifi that dropped, but it only took about 5 minutes and a rediculous social justice mural in the beginning to know that this was going to be bad. There is a lot to complain about here, but to get to the point, the premise is absurd and makes no sense, the characters are quite poorly written, and the props and plot devices are unconvincing and cheap. I couldn't make it all the way through, which is rare for me, and skipping forward didn't really make it tolerable. Perhaps if someone can completely block out plausibility and boredom, then it will get some likes.
Easter Evil
(2024)
Zero substance - absolutely none
6 April 2024
I can't put this in any category of something to offer.. The quickest way to summarize this one is 2 people sitting in a motel room talking about nothing, and doing nothing. If you are expecting any type of horror, or any type of movie of substance, prepare for total disappointment. Everything about this is a waste of time and space. I don't really have anything else to say about it, but I need another 200 characters to ramble on about how my mind is boggled by this poor attempt of human art. Space waster space waster space waster don't read forty eight useless characters to go to fill out this warning.. done.
Midnight Peepshow
(2022)
Great for the right audience
19 February 2024
A cool custom Valentine's anthology for seekers of a little exploitation on the sadistic side. Wasn't sure what this was going to be when I fired it up, but the interesting artwork cover, synopsis, and name meant I was sure to check it out. As expected, it is a little on the cheap side for production technicals, but not at all bad. For example, the audio was kind of unclear or muffly for the voice in several parts, so I found myself having to skip back a few times to figure out what was said. More importantly, I cared what was being said enough to skip it back and pick it up. The acting, costuming, and visuals are all highly passable, if not great in some sequences for this type and budget of film, with a small number of cheap props that stood out a bit. I found it quite entertaining on the whole, along with its darker Alice in Wonderland artistical bits to tell its story arc. This is probably not going to be a first pick for mainstreamers, but certainly something I will watch again with my niche-horror seeking friends. IMO, a good Valentine's day-themed sadistic offering to check out if your taste includes the likes of American Mary (2012), May (2002) and Excision (2012).
Sanctuary: A Witch's Tale
(2024– )
Somewhere between Discovery and Mayfair
12 February 2024
If you make it past the first episode, which was kind of a clumsy setup, this does actually get pretty engaging with multiple elements. The major plot is the murder mystery, and it's laced with social injustice stuff surrounding bullying/rape/evil patriarchy/outcasting. Some of the characters become over the top to the point of absurdity towards the end, but all in all this was still an engaging watch. It felt rushed into it's conclusion and felt a little anticlimactic to me, but I'm guessing they wanted to end it as a miniseries, which is fine. Ultimately, I found this trails behind the more superb (until s3) A discovey of Witches, but a better watch (lead acting capability mostly) than Mayfair witch.
Fog City
(2023)
Post credit scene and all..
1 February 2024
To be clear, this is not great. It's low budget, wooden, and campy in cringy ways, but it's not a total loss. The characters are easy on the eyes, and some of the dialogue scripting was both intentionally and unintentially humorous. There are some nice cars that either unapproriately trashed the budget or were just borrowed from friends to show off a bit, because really that was their only purpose in the film during their feeble attempt to outrun killer fog. We get a little exploitation in both skin, costuming, and slasher elements, and there's a post credit scene to check out. Yes this is low ranking b rack stuff, but I found some entertaining elements for what it was. ..and I've seen plenty worse with less to offer.
Clown Motel
(2023)
Skip this one
22 January 2024
The last Randy Couture movie I watched called the Bell Keeper wasnt good either, but it was probably better than this one. This one drags hard with a monotonous muddled plot about some kind of tribe land dispute. Honestly, so little happened in the first 40 minutes, i was struggling to keep my eyes open and pay attention. You would think with Tobin Bell in here there would be something exploitive or interesting, but it just doesnt really ever amount to much, even in the last 40 minutes. The clown hotel itself is kind of an odd prop in and of itself but the haunted clown decorations were quite pedestrian. Nothing to see here.
Mercy Road
(2023)
I ended up skipping forward
6 November 2023
I struggle to watch a film like this where I stare at a character that is busy talking through a phone the whole time. The short summary: a dude is in a frantic state of mind while he's white knuckle driving and yelling through a phone with several different characters. There are some tidbits of info and an intense sound score, so you can eventually figure out what has happened, but that's the gist of the whole feature. Maybe there's a metaphor in here, or maybe it's as simple as it sounds, I dont know, but I ended uo skipping forward to relieve the monotony. Added a star for the spider scene.
Orphan Black: Echoes
(2023– )
Irritatingly mediocre. I wanted better.
5 November 2023
The casting and scripting on this show is quite weak.. and distractingly so. I liked OB because it was less childish with its content, even though it was highly diverse.. and the characters and script were engaging and solid. This is a weak gender-absent sibling with rediculous scripting such as "a health center rooted from social justice.." Ritter looks and feels like Jessica Jones for the most part. The lesbian love story is fine I guess, and I was interested to see it through, but the sociopolitical pandering smothers the execution to be a sloppy affair. The future bits look 5 years older than today, minus an occasional cgi backdrop or set gimmick. Still, it carries some spirit and occasional nod or guest appearance towards the original show, and it has the ghost of the same feel to it.. its just not near as good, unfortunately..
The Bell Keeper
(2023)
Pretty rough and slow
29 October 2023
Not much of a plot here.. all we really need to know is that there is a cursed bell that random adventurers go and ring, and that's bad. A dude named Hank with a cauliflower ear is gonna kill those in range to hear it. There is a reason for all this, but you have to watch it to find out why. It's pretty cheap, draggy and nonsensical, but it does have just enough quirkiness to keep it mildy entertaining. We have Randy Couture, with a straight forward performance, and a quick run in with Bonnie Aarons (The Nun) being the most fun. The Liam and Brittany characters were decent, the Sheriff being the worst. Couture groupies might like this the most.
Boudica: Queen of War
(2023)
Poor man's reverse braveheart?
29 October 2023
I couldn't get "gender-swap braveheart attempt" out of my mind while trying to get through this, but even that would be an insult. With the exception of some of the fighting scenes, this had too big of an execution gap to take seriously. Really ham fisted script, costumes, and directing causes too many wonky scenes that I just couldn't keep myself from cringing on. I think the blonde helper (Ingrid from Vikings?) that was in this would have made a more convincing barbaric queen. I'm guessing the dialogue about how women cant lead and must be flogged was a narrative requirement to get this funded, or at least it came across that way. Some of the fighting scenes weren't awful though for the budget. Watch only if you can brush off a cheap and unconvincing execution.
Suitable Flesh
(2023)
Thoroughly enjoyed this Lovecraftian ride
28 October 2023
I thought this was a great spin on Lovecraft and it had all the expected elements: It was gory, it was sexy, it had otherworldly presence to get where it was going, and it had mind-bending perverse twists. And the cast- who better to play these parts than the 4 chosen leads, which includes a still-got-it Heather Graham and Barbara Crampton? The script, acting, and on-screen charisma was great, and I stayed entertained and engaged the full run time. Maybe my score is slightly generous, but this is not a cheapy production with lousy technique. I thought the experience was solid, and Lovecraftian done well. Definitely recommend for Lovecraft fans, and good bendy horror in general.
Trauma Therapy: Psychosis
(2023)
Recommend avoiding this one
27 October 2023
I didn't really find this one any better than the last "horror" movie I watched that had Tom Sizemore (RIP) in it called The Haunting of Hell Hole Mine. The gist of this one is 4 frumpy candidates in red sweat suits are in a generic facility to get therapy by being exposed to their fears to break them of it, I guess. Generic is a good way to describe things going on during the majority of the runtime. Had a hard time staying awake. Malloy (also sporting a frumpy hoodie) lectured ok and had the only energy. Hannah looked sharp (if not out of place) with her nicer clothes and groomed look, but in all, everything lacked substance. As time went on, it was scene after similar scene- drawn out with emotional contrivances that failed to entertain me. My vote is avoid.
Shrapnel
(2023)
Worse than expected
26 October 2023
Shallow, and very poor camera work turned this into a disappointment. Starting off ok with the shallow part- sets up the story to go rescue a daughter, but right off the bat the camera is zoomed in and bouncing around even with 2 people talking in an office room. Because of that I knew this was going to be really awful when the action started... and it was. Quite a bit of Spanish in parts, but my subtitles were coming across in simplified Chinese, so that didn't help matters a whole lot. And of course, it is so low budget that every henchman is wearing a full ski-mask, hat and goggles, or bandanas so that you can't tell it is the same 5 cannon fodder bad guys in every scene. I guess if you like low budget B action flicks that you really can't focus on anything going on, or don't really care about anything going on due to hollow scripting and acting, then you might enjoy. Not my cup of tea.
Birthright Outlaw
(2023)
Ok for a second string western
24 October 2023
Modern westerns typically only come in 2 flavors, excellent or barely watchable. This one is not in the excellent category by any means, but it was quite a bit less cheesy than Dead Man's Hand that I watched directly before this one (which was barely watchable). It's clean and knows what it is but the writing/plot is tedious at times and I thought many of the dialogue scenes were too long and drawn out. Production was obviously on a budget but was ok. Acting and costuming were decent and shots were clean. Lucas Black was probably the least convincing of the bunch for some reason- I guess I've seen Tokyo Drift too many times.. "maaa ride".
The Burning Girls
(2023)
Good UK slowburn folklore thriller
23 October 2023
If you are in the mood for a thriller mystery, then I think this is above average, but not spectacular. Admittedly, I am a bit biased because I enjoy, and purposely watch most all of Samantha Morton's work where she gets to stand out. The first episode was a little soft getting into it and I was concerned she was going to have a bit of a vapid character role, but in episode 2 and beyond it gets a bit more engaging and we see a little more expected contribution. I had figured out about 60 percent of the mystery pretty quick, but there is enough concealment to keep some surprises at the end that fits together well and makes a good mini-series binge.
The Puppetman
(2023)
OK, but could have used a tighter script
19 October 2023
The newest Shudder exclusive entry as of today- I appreciate the network but lately has been hit or miss. Found the idea and set up on this one to be good, and intriguing. Unfortunately, the script seemed a bit uneven and fragmented and about a quarter way in just stammered along until it got closer towards the end. Good effort, but character motivations were questionable (including the entity's) and a couple characters in general didn't gel well with the over-all plot (which by the time it was said and done, I thought seemed a bit thin). Once it finally got to the reveal, it was a decent twist, and a decent death or two were included along the way.
In the Fire
(2023)
In the Dumpster Fire
19 October 2023
On the nose predictable, but bizarre in execution- Within minutes of the Lead showing up, it was clear a modern woman threw on a costume and time-warped into a period piece to demonstrate her gallantry and sexual fortitude, even though she --spoiler-- which pitched the narrative onto the pyre. Not sure what the take-away was supposed to be from this. I had no reason to buy-in, no protagonist (just an activist), and really nothing to admire or despise. This had some potential, and it seemed like some good shots and catchy sound design were present, but it fizzled more than it sizzled and ended up as a flame out for me.
Elevator Game
(2023)
Boring, lifeless and dull characters
12 October 2023
Again with this tacky social media challenge/investigator horror movie formula. Shudder wiffed on this one. The setup in the first few minutes was probably the best part, and that's not saying much. The next 30-45 minutes of a bunch of social media hucksters banter back and forth is quite dull. I was not interested in anything they had to say, and no interest watching them stumble through their pitiful plight on their devices. Sometime after that we get a frightening scene, more pointless dialogue, and then we get to watch someone sift through web pages for a while.. and then I think I dozed off. I gave it a star for some ok-but-sparse tense scenes, but I couldnt come up with anything else worth mentioning. Bottom of the barrel stuff for Shudder flicks.
The Mill
(2023)
Slave to the grind
11 October 2023
Had no idea what this movie was when I fired it up, and thought it was just going to be a straight up saw or cube genre horror flick. Its not far off from that, but its different. For those that have experienced being middle management at large growth corporations (in my case hi-tech) and have been subjected to their tactics, with management trees, illusion of choice, moving targets, unobtainable goals, and performance plans/metrics, (they left out ESG, DEI, volunteering, and encouraged donations) will relate to what this movie is relaying through its bleak surface level metaphor. Others will say, just leave or work somewhere else but also dont understand the golden handcuff stuff that makes it lucrative to continue to give them the best years of your lives in spite of the long hours and sleepless frustration. Either way, I thought it was simply demonstrated in an entertaining way with bleak atmosphere and a good caricature lead to transfer the emotion and frustration. Now, back to work.
Clunky failure and snoozer
9 October 2023
It's actually hard to believe this is as bad as it is. The first distraction is the cheesy props and sets. For example it literally looks like the mine shaft is one of the backdoor passages in Splash Mountain.. incredibly fake, so right away it was off-putting. Then comes in the boring and drawn out script, elementary acting, clunky plot points and poor sound design. When the actors touch the mine shaft wall it sounds like styrofoam or hollow plastic. The final nail in this coffin was that the movie has zero tension or scares, and no graphic anything. I can't recommend this as there is just nothing to promote here.
Totally Killer
(2023)
Highly entertaining, if you lived the 80s.
9 October 2023
Admittedly, this was much more entertaining than expected. Shipka's and Holt's outstanding delivery and execution combined with clever writing makes this a fun homage to sit back and laugh through. It's put together quite well, and the constant brick-in-face 80s culture references hit hard without being as annoying as other 80s re-enactments that just casually place Rubiks Cubes on night stands and make the actors wear tube socks and leg warmers.. (loved the ED-209 malfunction scene, extra star just for that) This movie is face paced and interesting, comedic, but also still brutal at times, and amounted to being a successful product for this genre. The one distraction was a bit too much of the PC progressive messaging. Some of it was humorous and subtle enough to make sense, but just as much was forced signaling that was too eye-roll.
Borderline
(IV) (2023)
Good for the budget
8 October 2023
This is the second Rich Mallery work I have viewed, the first being Maid Droid. Similar to Maid Droid, this skips any build-up or historical plausible context and instead gets straight to business quickly. In this case, we are dumped in the lap of a young, attractive female who seems to only exist to get high with her bestie roommate. She has a job, she has a mom, and even has a boyfriend- all of which are used to get drugs. Within her empty and hobby-less life, the priority is to get the next fix and she uses every tool in her box to get there. The common plot traits are here on her spiraling journey, but I was hoping for a little more dread, and rock bottom shock than what was presented. Or at least, something we haven't seen yet (eg; Rue in Euphoria or some of the clips in Requiem). Unfortunately, it misses an opportunity to say something unique about this horrid crisis that needs much more negative visibility. With that said, it was still pretty good on this budget, and Kate Johnston did quite well (with some daring expose). I can't say I was overly impressed with the supporting cast, but again.. budget. The final product held my interest utilizing edgy ingredients, adequate direction and a solid enough lead.
She-Hulk: Attorney at Law
(2022)
Total let down
8 October 2023
Truthfully, the MCU is on a rapid decline. All the phase 4 stuff has been weak social signaling drivel, not honest and creative story telling. Meanwhile, more of the DC content is trending up. Not exactly a bright future ahead for Disney or the would-be viewers of lost Marvel lore. This could have been great, but we get a pretentious gaggle of self-loathing writers trying to be clever with their ideological agendas. In the end, it fails on story and character elements that actually matter. This is poor all the way up to and including the breaking of the 4th wall, even though there are some interesting moments that give hope that it could have been so much better.
Star Trek: Picard
(2020–2023)
Season 3 is where it's at.. really good season.
8 October 2023
Took 2 seasons of weak, woke trope nonsense to finally arrive at something with a real story, real intensity, actual space activity, and resetting the characters closer to the standard of why they were interesting and entertaining in the first place. As an added bonus, they managed to get a bunch of great characters from the earlier series to pay service, even if only short term. I'm not saying there wasn't good episodes or cool characters here and there in the first two seasons, but it was not good enough to make up for the cringe that littered the majority of the plot lines.. and the actors seemed like they hated it themselves. Seasons 1 and 2 are no match for the entertainment quality of season 3, which feels like a reboot of the series, the way it should have been.
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