nickthegun Reviews

Threshold (2005–2006)

Started OK but thats about it...

[21 December 2005]

Lets get one thing out of the way... My names nick.. and I'm a Sci-Fi addict. I love it. But unfortunately, my love of SF couldn't stop me from thinking Threshold is awful.

It started off reasonably well. The UFO was a good concept and I liked the way the signal turned people inside out. The 3 pronged helix motif was also a good call and was used to great effect several times.

But then it hit the skids. The following episodes were boring, badly written and directed rubbish. The cast were a who's who of sci-fi stereotypes. Spunky yet vulnerable woman, Brilliant but perverted guy, wise-ass doctor, gruff yet sensitive government man......... And the plan? Goddamit, how boring? And Molly Caffrey.....worst lead ever? Possibly. A terrible annoying character.

But its faults transcended the most glaring problems. The highly trained government operatives couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo, constantly allowing people to escape them with utterly inept weapon usage and tactics...... The plan itself is ridiculous and the science is the worst kind of techno-babble; the kind which people semi-understand and think 'Wait a minute..thats bullcrap'.

I wanted to like threshold. It had all the signs of being a winner. But every element of the show had at least one problem with it and that, i think was its undoing.

Oh, and no matter how many petitions are raised, this is one show that is never coming back.

Joe Dirt (2001)

Worth a Watch

[7/10 · 8 October 2005]

If you see this in the TV guide its certainly worth a watch. Nice story, some good gags and a girlfriend pleasing happy ending.

Its not brain surgery, but it is well written and acted enough to quite happily pass an hour and a half.

Ands thats all I've got to say about that. Well not really because I've got to pass 10 lines........Er.......Oh yeah..... Christopher Walken is, unsurprisingly great. He does a brilliant pastiche of his Weapon of Choice dance. Or is weapon of choice a pastiche of this? I cant be bothered to Google so it looks like this ones staying a mystery.....

There we go. 10 lines. That wasn't so hard.....

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

I think the other two jaded me.....

[6/10 · 16 June 2005]

I wanted this movie to rock me. I wanted it to blow me away...... but i just sat there picking holes in it.

I love the original trilogy with all my heart. I could sit and watch them all day. They are magical films that contain a certain spark. A spark bright enough to allow you to overlook their imperfections.

Not so the prequels.

They have all been so cold and mechanical they have sucked whatever magic was in them away.

For example, the film started with 'War!' and I hummed to myself 'What is it good for'. And it didn't get any better.

The slapstick in the first scene annoyed me, general grevious being a coward annoyed me and the jedis practically giving anakin to the emperor annoyed me.

I just kept picking holes while I should have been enjoying the culmination of nearly 30 years of film making.

The ex-positional scene with Anakin and Palpatine. Palpatine states that one dark lord could influence Midichlorians (blech) to create life. And anakin, being a virgin birth, doesn't once think to say 'oh right. I wonder if he had anything to do with my mysterious origins......'.

Things like that kept pulling me back from the immersion I usually give myself to in great films. I just kept getting jarred back to reality.

Like I said, I think AOTC and TPM battered most of the goodwill I had out of me and left me cold and cynical.

Its not all bad. Some scenes are great. But then they get spoiled by a huge honking lizard.........

Shaolin Soccer (2001)

hilarious kung fu kapers

[8/10 · 20 February 2003]

Firstly, the copy of Shaolin Soccer I saw has terrible subtitles. One of the main protagonists is annoyed he is going 'blad' and the coach tells his players to 'kick the soccer'. I hope it's sorted out for the English language markets.

Now with that out of the way I can start to tell you what a great film this is.

Shaolin Soccer starts with a flashback to a game of football. We see 'golden leg' taking an understudy to task ('golden leg' named in the same sort of conventions as 'high mountain wonder fist' and the like). After golden leg misses a free kick, the crowd invade the pitch and break his golden leg with a bat and kick the crap out of him. All the while the understudy smirks on. Cut to the future and the understudy is now chairman of HK's premier soccer tournament and his own 'Evil Team'. He also treats the now crippled Golden Leg very badly.

Golden Leg now runs into 'Shaolin Iron Leg' who offers to teach him Kung-Fu. Golden Leg refuses until he sees how great a kick Iron Leg can be. Now they have something to teach each other.

And with the aid of Iron Legs misfit Shaolin brothers (and some kids they beat up in a game) they form the mightiest Football team in Hong Kong. Except the Super Soldiers in 'Evil Team' who they have to fight for the championship.

If this all sounds preposterous, well it is.

SS incorporates all the stormriders-esque CGI and bullet time type special effects with superb physical comedy (the 'Shaolin is Great' song is hilarious). The result is a superb mish mash of styles that never gets boring.

The funniest thing is how the Shaolin actually play soccer. They basically run it into the penalty area and try and kick it at the goalie so hard it breaks his arms. They do this again and again until they score. No one defends once the other team are in a shooting position and everyone just stands there open mouthed as the striker takes harder and harder shots at a progressively more injured keeper. To anyone who has any interest in football this is just hilarious. To pick up and criticise the Football (or lack of it) in Shaolin Soccer is like criticising 'Blazing Saddles' for its inaccurate portrayal of the Wild West.

Shaolin Soccer is simply a great film. It is fun, isnt too violent and is generally spectacular. I reckon its suitable for the whole family (If they are old enough to keep up with subtitles they are old enough to watch, in my opinion).

Sure its stupid, but so what? It's the child like charm of the whole thing that makes it so endearing.

And the end where everyone knows kung fu is just superb.

Signs (2002)

Much better than you've heard

[8/10 · 20 February 2003]

(Contains a couple of wee spoilers)

Things happen by a grand design. So is the point of 'Signs'. Actually its about a few other things too, but hey? Whatcha gonna do?

Signs is a bit different to your usual alien invaders schtick. It actually makes you think. There is no 'God bless America' style rousing speeches, no cornball 'welcome to earth' style heroics, no 'monument lasers' or any of the other crap that's become so prevalent in the 'alien invasion' sub genre. I don't think I have enjoyed an invasion film so much since 'Invaders from Mars'.

Signs is a suspense building exercise first, UFO movie second, as a result we get to see all of one alien in the whole movie. And one weapon. I know this has dissapointed most people, but it was never the intention of the director to make a heroic 'humanities last stand' type movie. He intended to, and succeeded in, creating a character driven film about a reasonably average family trying to cope with extraordinary events. Its why they don't tool up on guns, steal a space ship and take the fight to them. Its why they hide in the basement and board up all the windows.

The exposition of the alien invasion is very well handled. After a series of strange goings on Graham Hess tells his kids 'no more tv', as their imaginations are running away with them. Then Graham experiences things beyond imagination and states 'lets turn the t.v on'. Which plays a pivotal part in telling them and us just what is going on. Such as the utterly marvellous scene in which Merrill sees 'them' for the first time.

I also like the directing style. He seems to thrive on the mid shot, capturing so much in the frame. I was also pleased to see wonderful moments of levity in the film which do genuinely make you laugh.

At the end of the day, its pretty much a no brainer to criticise Signs. Blah blah blah stupid aliens cant work a doorknob, blah blah blah why corncircles? That's not very high tech for space-faring aliens, blah blah blah earth is 70 odd % water, blah blah blah blah blah. It is, on the other hand, harder to value this film for what it is. If you can't appreciate a movie without 200 CGI shots a minute and a 'God bless America' ending, don't watch this. You will only whine about the 'Stupid Aliens' and wonder why Graham Hess isnt capping ol' ET's ass with his M60.

Blood: The Last Vampire (2000)

unfulfilled potential

[7/10 · 20 February 2003]

AARRRGGHH!!! CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TURN THIS INTO A FULLY FLEDGED SERIES OR MOVIE!!!!!!!

I love a story to be fleshed out. I like to know about origins, motivations and characters. And Blood offers just enough to be thoroughly intriguing yet little enough to frustrate the absolute crap out of me. The 'pure' vampire thing is a pretty good angle. I want to know more!

That just about sums up Blood for me. Everything it does it does well. Great concept, animation (especially CG) and voice work. There just isnt enough of any of it. At about 48 mins it just barely scratches the surface. You expect another chapter in Saya's mission to directly follow. But you get the credits instead.

If this ever fulfilled its potential I think the producers could have an anime milestone on their hands. As it stands Blood is great and frustrating in totally equal parts. >

Phoenix Nights (2001–2002)

Shame i cant vote. I'd give it 11/10

[20 February 2003]

Clubland will never die.

Well not if Peter Kay keeps treating us to this little lovely. Phoenix Nights is one of those rare comedies. Rare as in its actually funny (see ‘Ed Stone is dead'. Which is so unfunny its basically the ‘Anti-Phoenix').

Anyone who has grown up in the north will instantly recognise virtually everything that happens in the Phoenix. The theme nights, the cheesy compere, the ugly regulars who sit there all day on a pint of mild. Its all there. Which is one of peter kays strengths. Brilliant observation in all of his work.

The writing is incredibly strong and the performances are first rate. The comedy set pieces in each episode will have you in tears (‘The Stannah Stairlift Seduction' and the ‘Erotic Bouncy castle' are standouts).

Season 1 and 2 are, in my opinion, equally as good as each other. And, although it isn't really fair to judge the two together, I actually prefer the Phoenix to The Office. Judged purely on laugh out loud moments Peter Kays superb series just edges it for me.

I didn't think it could get any funnier. Then I watched the DVD with the directors commentary….

Battle Royale (2000)

gutsy and original (couldnt be hollywood)

[8/10 · 20 February 2003]

Battle Royale is one of those rare films that grabs you from the get go.

Set in a ‘Day after tomorrow' type future, Japan has gone to the dogs. In a theme familiar to a lot of Japanese films, the kids just aint right. They skip school and (shock) talk back to teachers. The government must do something, so they come up with the Battle Royale bill. Its not made too clear what the point of it is, but I assume its to make naughty kids straighten up and fly right for fear they will be next. Either that or its just a good way of keeping the bad boy population down.

Anyhow, what it all means is that a class gets trapped on an island and have to use any means to trim their population down to one. If there is more than one survivor left at the end of 3 day ‘game' then their running man style head bands explode (unlike the running man, they don't blow the head off, they pack just enough punch to sever the throat and shower everyone with blood).

After waking up from being drugged, the starring class find themselves in a classroom (floors ominously covered in plastic) and are told the rules of the game by a hilarious info video. After much gnashing and wailing they are sent on their way with a survival pack and a weapon. Some of the weapons suck (lid from a pan) some don't (hand grenades).

As the children get about their business, we see their personalities develop. The bitch, the good girl, the brain and the good guy are all there, with their stories to tell. After their stories are told, they are usually dispatched with and we are then given a running total of the casualties.

One thing that works in BRs favour is that it is constantly inventive. New ways to die, graphics, story telling devices and such. Its never boring.

BR tells a good story. Admittedly there are a few plot holes (what happens in the ‘danger zones'?), but all in all it keeps you going to the end. ‘Beat' is very good too. As deadpan as you would expect, but emitting a strange empathy.

Its not quite the visceral attack on the senses we are lead to believe it is, however it is genuinely entertaining and it does make a lot of good ideological points.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

Boooooooooong. sorry, i couldnt resist.

[9/10 · 20 February 2003]

Watching back the directors commentary, Kevin Smith just about sums this film up: ‘We have made the most expensive in-movie ever'.

This should be able to tell you everything you need to know about the film in one sentence. If you enjoy Smiths earlier work, go nuts. If you don't, stay away. Its got the view askew humour turned all the way up to 11.

The film starts off with J&SB getting barred from the quickstop. So they go and bitch about it to brodie who tells them to buy their own quickstop with their movie cheque. It transpires that Miramax are making a Bluntman and Chronic movie and they are due some cash for image rights. After finding out that the buzz on the internet for them is not good, they decide the only way to clear their good names is to stop production of the film. And that means travelling to Hollywood.

As I said, you either like it or you don't. Personally, I could watch it all day. It never fails to get a laugh and some of the dialogue just kills me.

‘Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob'

Reign of Fire (2002)

stooooopid (contains one or two small spoilerettes).

[6/10 · 20 February 2003]

Another ‘I meant to see this at the cinema, but never got round to it' movie. You know the ones. Men in Black II, Resident Evil, the kind of films that pique your curiosity enough to think that you would like to see them, but not enough to get off your arse and into the theatre. And you always get them on video and think ‘god that was lame. Im glad I didn't bother going to see that'.

Funnily enough, although Reign of Fire was kind of lame, I enjoyed it far more than I thought I was going to. The films main problem is that hoary old issue of suspension of disbelief. You just find yourself saying `yeah, right' too many times to immerse yourself in the filmic experience. (spoilers ahoy) Why did the best brains in the world not figure out something that a chopper pilot could? How could a whole species of millions sprout from a single male dragon? How did he spread his seed all over the world? Where did the female dragons come from if the first and only dragon was male? I could go on and if you watch this movie, you will too. It just seems that a whole heap of the films plot was left on the editing floor.

However, what is left is a decent bit of action hokum. Bales weird cockney accent is suitably gruff and Matthew McGarnacle is (unintentionally) hilarious as Van Zan. The special effects are used fairly sparingly, but are very good. The story itself is reasonably inventive and the dialogue was suitably anglicised.

Overall, not surprisingly considering the hideous bashing it took on release, ROF is a pretty underrated popcorner. It is fun and a decent excuse to sit back and turn your brain off. Although I had very high hopes for this (all the ‘lack of action' criticisms wrongly led to me believing it would be significantly more cerbral) I was only moderately let down.

Oh yeah. It has the best star wars joke I have seen in a veeeeeeeery long time.

The Duel (2000)

Good solid fun

[7/10 · 20 February 2003]

I enjoyed 'The Duel'. It certainly isnt the greatest film in the world, but its certainly isn't the worst.

It begins with a traditional 'Stormriders'esque action sequence. By that I mean more CGI than actual fighting. I don't mind this at all really. People fly around. A geezer turns himself into a giant snowball and a man regurgitates poison. All in a days work. I like to see things like that. Spectacular and a bit out of the ordinary. The people who usually complain about the flying around in films such as this and Crouching Tiger are the very same ones who believe Bruce Willis can exterminate an elite squad of Mercs by himself or that Toby Maguire does have webs coming out of his wrists. Its funny what people will suspend disbelief over and what they won't.

Anyway, after the initial sequence we discover that the main character in this is a parody of James Bond (but one that fraternises with whores and gangsters). His main task in the film is to set up and mediate a Duel between the two greatest martial artists in the world, one of whom is his best mate and the other is a mysterious recluse with a harem of flying beauties.

Its just funny to watch, basically. The Duel doesn't take itself too seriously and neither should you. If you liked StormRiders and can sit through A man called Hero without fastforwarding the story parts then you will really enjoy this.

On a side note, as most people will inevitably watch this on DVD, The Duel is presented in flawless widescreen with good subtitles. The 5.1 soundtrack is lively and the soundscape is wide. The extras are standard but servicable. Don't bother watching the pan and scan dub. It cuts out half the action (and I mean half. Rendering the story unintelligible).

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

more, more give us more!

[10/10 · 20 February 2003]

CTHD is one of those age-old films that you either love or hate. Personally, I love it. Not as much as some, but love it nonetheless.

I am a massive fan of HK cinema. I love its dynamism and flair for the slightly insane. CTHD takes all the things I like about the genre and gives it a hollywood rub down. The production values and cinematography are breath taking. The story actually is enjoyable and the dialogue never really seems stunted. Although some would argue that these are exactly the reasons it is inferior to original HK cinema.

The oft-discussed fight scenes are never less than spectacular, with Michele Yeoh really shining alongside Zhang Zi Yi. Although it does make your mouth water to imagine what the film would have been like if Woo Ping had Jet Li to work with as opposed to Chow Yun-Fat. Although I think Li would seem a bit young as opposed to Yun-Fat's almost regal portrayal of a battle weary master.

My only real problem with the film is the loooong flashback sequence. It is the only part of the film which even approaches being dull. While I appreciate it sets up a lot of the story and fleshes out Jens character, It is a bit drawn out.

I would recommend CTHD to almost anyone. It has heart, action and is aurally and visually stunning. I hope there are further releases based on the mythology of this film. The early adventures of Li Mu Bi and Yu Shu Lien would be fantastic (maybe Jet Li this time?) and a peek at the Wu Dan school would be pant wettingly brilliant. High hopes indeed.

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Death & Rebirth (1997)

Hmmm..

[5/10 · 20 February 2003]

Hmmm..

I saw episode one on a mates old VHS copy of NGE and toyed with the idea of buying the box set on DVD. Before I shelled out all that bread I thought I should probably check out death and rebirth. What has been billed by some as a 'synopsis' of the series (except the last two eps).

What I actually got was a confusing hour or so that was edited at such fast pace I went cross eyed. When a new character or plot point came up a little caption was introduced to tell you who it was. This remained on the screen for about 12 frames. I had to keep freezing it to find out. This pretty much sums up death and rebirth.

I must admit, trying to fit 15 odd hours worth of plot onto a single disc is a pretty big ask but im positive they could have done it better than this.

The speacial feature was pretty good, though. It was similar to the follow the white rabbit on the matrix dvd. Everytime something new came up you were prompted to press enter and you were given a brief overview of what was happening.

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The End of Evangelion (1997)

battling seizure robots

[7/10 · 20 February 2003]

I know its one of the major points of the series, Shinji is a ‘normal' boy with severe emotional problems, but I after watching Death and Rebirth all I wanted to do was trap his head in a vice and thrash it with a golf club. He is, without a doubt, the single most annoying character I have ever witnessed. Obviously cowardice and several other character flaws are major plot points, but they were so overplayed it became stupid. Dragging a catatonic Shinji to pilot the EVA or his fit when he finally gets out there just made me angry.

Having said that, though, there was more good than bad in EOE. The siege was terrific. There was a real tension when the HQ was being stormed. I loved Asuka's fight with the Production EVA's (although the constant references to her mother became a bit wearing). The conclusion was interesting if a little overwrought and it was, stylistically speaking, spectacular. If a little ‘Battling Seizure Robots' at the end (the images flashed by so fast im surprised I didn't swallow my tongue)

Really, my only major problems with EOE are my basic problems with the genre as a whole. The dialogue often has the subtlety of a sledgehammer and plot points are often unnecessarily laboured. Like I said, Asuka's ‘Moootheeer, can you see me?!?!?!' was grateing and obvious and Gendo's obsession with his wife became a bit of a chore.

Don't get me wrong, though. I am a huge fan of the genre. And this is a pretty good entry. It is spectacular, well animated and often thought provoking. I suspect a little of the impact is lost in viewing it from a Christian standpoint (being predominantly Buddhist, the vast array of Christian ‘mythology' presented in the film would have been unfamiliar to Japanese audiences) but that's no big deal.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

brilliant

[10/10 · 20 February 2003]

Excited wasn't the word for this. I was giddy as a school girl (so to speak) and was looking forward to a cinematic treat. And I wasn't disappointed.

Firstly I have to say a big thanks to new line for not giving us too many spoilers. I know us fans know what happens (hey, we can read!) but we don't know how it happens (if you follow me). For example, we had tantalising glimpses of Gollum in FOTR. But he was kept carefully under wraps. And for that, new line, I salute you. In the week leading up to the original MIB I had seen trailer upon trailer, music videos, making of's and every interview and clip you can think of. I had, essentially, seen every moment of that film. So the impact had been lost and my enjoyment dulled. Not so The Two Towers.

As I went in blind, everything blew me away. Sure, the adverts gave us a few minutes of Helms Deep and a Bit of Eowyn here and there, but nothing major. Everything came to me fresh and kicked a lot of ass. Amazingly enough, the thrill was still there even on my second and third viewings. High praise indeed.

With a few viewings it becomes obvious that PJ has captured the essence of the second book, while skilfully leaving out the things he could get away with. For example, the meeting of the Ents and all their songs are, quite frankly, dull and we are well rid of them. The pacing is superb. It never seems to drag and every scene is welcome. It was a hard job following the superb Fellowship but PJ has done us proud.

Helms Deep, the centre piece of the film, is just enthralling. From the tear jerking scenes of young boys getting tooled up for war to the rousing sight of Gandalf leading the charge, we are assaulted by a bombastic mix of sound and sights. I can safely say, without hyperbole, that it is simply one of the most phenomenal scenes in cinematic history.

A review of Two Towers wouldn't be complete without a mention of the Gollum. The character is just brilliant. Retaining all the pitiable characteristics of the book. The inner conflict scene had me close to tears!

The standard has now been set. The bar has been raised. Fellowship and The Two Towers stand head and shoulders above almost any film I have seen. The quality of them is awe inspiring. My problem now is waiting for the extended DVD. And Return of the King.

And how hard is Legolas? He is just a killing machine!

Men in Black II (2002)

MIB by numbers

[5/10 · 20 February 2003]

Funnily enough MIBII wasn't the crap-o-rama I was expecting. It sure isn't going to win any oscars, but it isn't as bad as its made out to be.

There are a few decent gags in here. A few made me laugh out loud. They were usually the more understated ones as the big, obvious ones were a big lame (the michael jackson bit was a arse clenchingly unfunny).

The plot concerns some bad alien looking for something that was supposed to do something, which the MIB were supposed to have got rid of but never did. Ho hum. And the only way to do it is to rescue the 'buddy' formula that worked so well in the first film and ditch Linda Fiorentino as J's partner. In the most hideous way. We sit there wondering what happened to her for like 20 odd minutes and all we get is 'you cant keep neuralizing your partners, J' 'She wanted to go back to the morgue'. A single line. Poor woman.

Speaking of poor women, J's new love interest, who may or may not be K's daughter, he doesn't seem to really give a crap, is in the film for a grand total of about 2 minutes. And she is the pivotal plot device.

Anyway, K makes a return at about the 40 odd minute mark which gives him about another 40 mins to get his thang back. This means TLJ's glowering and scowling like he just sniffed a turd for about 35 mins, before he mellows at the ending. He just does nothing. He spends 20 minutes claiming he isn't an MIB and then another 20 being boring. He seems to substitute deadpan for morose (acting like you do when you are a kid and forced to visit your gran) losing all the spark he and Will Smith had in the original. Speaking of Will Smith his character goes from Ultimate bad ass MIB agent to Ultimate Jackass MIB agent when K shows up, just to get the 'rookie' thing going. Which is anoying.

All the ingredients are there from the original, but just don't click. There are too many plot holes, too much contradiction and not enough characterisation. Its like how George Lucas has forgotten what made star wars so good, Sonnenfield seems to have stuck to the blueprint but gone wrong somehow. Maybe it would have been better if he wasn't so fervent about his magic '90 minute mark' for films. If we had an extra 15 odd minutes it could have been so much different. Maybe he would have had time for a decent ending...

Actually, reading back, I enjoyed this less than I thought I did. How strange.

Wing Chun (1994)

michelle yeoh at her best

[7/10 · 20 February 2003]

Michelle Yeoh stars as the titular Yim Wing Chun, the spiritual mother of Wing Chun kung fu (the kind they teach in Prodigal Son, amongst others). As you would expect from Yeoh, she is vibrant on screen, kicking a lot of arse and showing us the sensitive side to a martial arts hero.

Wing Chun's village is constantly under threat by bandits led by the…erm… flying simian family (well two brothers, Flying Monkey and Flying Chimp). After she cracks some skulls, while rescuing the widow ‘Charmy', she makes enemies of the local martial artists, who lose face after Wing Chun shows them up, and the bandits, who want her dead and for Flying Monkey to marry Charmy. The scene where Wing Chun shows the local martial arts heros the ‘Art of fighting without fighting' in the soya shop is amazing. Anyway, after castrating flying monkey, flying chimp decides to challenge Wing Chun, for the honour of the bandit clan. With inevitable consequences.

When Wing Chun isn't giving us great fight sequences, it plays it like quite a lot of HK cinema. For laughs. And, like a lot of HK cinema, it can get pretty irritating. A lot of mugging and juvenile humour are the order of the day here. Concentrating on that old Kung Fu film staple, getting laid.

Wing Chun was one of the first great high flying new style kung fu films and stands the test of time, nine years on. I really liked it, and forgiving its faults is easy. Although Donnie Yen was criminally under used, but that's not such a big deal.

Iron Monkey (1993)

Brilliant Entertainment

[8/10 · 20 February 2003]

Iron Monkey, much like The Green Hornet series, can be taken one of two ways. Its either a story about a chinese Robin Hood, who goes around trying to right wrongs or it's a story about the youth of the amazingly popular wong fei hung character from the once upon a time series and countless other films.

In a nutshell, the titular Iron Monkey is causing grief for the corrupt magistrates of a chinese province. He keeps pinching the Magistrates ill gotten gains and distributing the wealth among the poor and needy. The magistrates attempts to capture the Iron monkey always fail, laregely due to his supreme Kung-Fu skills. One day a young wong fei hung and his father (peoples favourite, Donnie Yen) are making their way through the town. The magistrates are rounding up anyone likely to be Iron Monkey and discover that Donnie Yen is a renowned Kung-Fu master. They send him after Iron Monkey, while holding Wong Fei Hung as insurance that he will finish the job. They also are sent some government officials to check out whats going on in the province. Who just happen to be ruthless Kung-Fu mercenaries.

In this story we learn why Wong Fei Hung is so compassionate and resolute. He is thoroughly disciplined by his father, but learns compassion for all people from the Iron Monkey. And a former prostitute (what is it about china and prostitutes?).

Iron Monkey is a really fun film, which I thoroughly enjoyed. The Kung Fu is great, the story is enjoyable and the characters are really interesting. And the big bad baddie, a former Shoalin Monk, uses the funkiest moves ever. The King Kong palm. Class.

Army of Darkness (1992)

Army of Darkness=perfect post pub film.

[7/10 · 20 February 2003]

Army of Darkness is a perfect post pub film. There isnt much dialogue, so you can talk all the way through it, it is violent and, best of all it is incredibly funny. Ash's fight with himself is right up there with the fight he has with his hand in Evil Dead II.

The special effects are a little raggedy around the edges (it was made just slightly too early, before CG was extensively used), but it is easy to overlook that through their sheer inventiveness.

Basically, it sure aint high brow film making, but it is suitably low brow to be laugh out loud funny. And Bruce Campbell just kills me.

Die Hard (1988)

First and still the best

[9/10 · 20 February 2003]

What can you say about Die Hard that hasn't been said a million times before? How about 'its crap'? Well, the reason why that hasn't been repeated ad nauseum is because it blatantly isn't true.

Die Hard is one of those rare genre defining films. The first time I saw it I was 9 and was totally blown away. I have probably watched it once a year since then and I don't think its lost any impact.

You know the drill by now. John McLane is out numbered (but never outgunned) by a group of terrorists in a high tech building. Cue much death and destruction before happy ending. It sounds so simple. Well, actually, it is. Die Hard perfected the formula of the action film, attempted by so many 80's films. Its actually a testament to Die Hard that they 'don't make em like they used to'.

Aliens (1986)

My personal fave of the Alien films

[8/10 · 20 February 2003]

Once a word that conjured up cinematic awe, it has now lost the sense of grandness it once had, through so-so sequels, merchandise, face offs against every super hero ever (even the green lantern).

So. Here goes my review for the last great entry into the Alien Universe.

Alien and Aliens. Two very different films by two very different directors. And all the better for it. Whereas the Tim Burton 'Batmans' were great, the total change in directorial style for the sequels killed the franchise dead and made it a laughing stock. Not so Aliens. Ridley Scotts and James Camerons entries into the Alien series couldn't be more different. But the one common factor is that they are both utterly superb (whereas Batman was brilliant and Batman forever sucked ass).

As a personal preference I prefer Aliens. Its my kind of film. Thats not to say I don't like Alien. I love it. And I can fully appreciate the view of people who think that it is the best film in the series. But I just love the balls out action of Camerons creation.

The film kicks off with Ripley coming out of hypersleep to discover shes spent 50 odd years in stasis. She is recovered and throughly grilled by 'the company' as to why she blew up a billion dollar spaceship. When she cant convince them that she did it to try and kill a crazy ass acid blooded alien they remove her flight license and have her shunting crates about. Then the call comes in that they have lost contact with a terraforming colony on the planet Ripley first encountered the Alien. She decides to go back to excorcise her ghosts. With a load of 'bad ass' marines.

The action in Aliens is, while retaining some of the suspense of the first one, superb. Its amazing to learn that there were only a grand total of 6 Alien suits used throughout the whole film!

The performances are uniformly good and the characters are all interesting, which is a testament to this not being a mindless action film.

The DVD version comes with a pretty flawless transfer and a fabulous 5.1 soundtrack. The extras are a little thin on the ground, but hey. Whatcha gonna do?

Golgo 13: The Professional (1983)

20 years on and still kicking ass

[8/10 · 20 February 2003]

Duke Togo. Man on a mission. And the mission appears to be ‘kill as many people as you can'.

This film is what James Bond would be if Eon had any balls. The Professional is a gun for hire. If he accepts a contract then he always hits his target. He takes all the best parts of Bond (being as hard as a coffin nail and bedding various beauties) and detaches all the cheesy dialogue.

Duke Togo is a cold blooded killer. We never feel for him, but we do root against the baddies. He never smiles, isn't ever nice, but lives by a marginal code of honour, which we sort of respect. Like I said, its hard to empathise with Duke Togo, but we do sort of understand him.

The story itself is pretty good and amazingly coherent for a title of this genre. It deals with deception, double crossing, revenge, hate and violence. We soon come to realise that Duke is a pawn in the middle of things. Albeit a pawn with the ability to shoot the head off a match.

Being an early 80's production, the animation isnt that impressive, although the realistic approach is very good and gives the film some authenticity. We also get to see some rudimentary CGI (which shows the ambition of the project), in the form a helicopter gunship.

All in all The Professional is a very entertaining watch. Girls, guns and a whole lot of maiming. It looks a shade dated now (20 years on), but still packs quite a punch.

The Wicker Man (1973)

The last great British film

[9/10 · 20 February 2003]

Seen by some as the last great British horror (maybe even the last great British film), the Wicker Man stands towering above the periods more camp attempts at the macabre.

The film kicks off with straight laced copper, Edward Woodward, speeding towards Summerisle in his nifty little sea plane. He is a man on a mission. And this particular mission involves finding a missing girl.

Finding the locals particularly unhelpful (especially the girls mother) Woodward decides to stay the night on the island, in the local pub. And that's when things get weird. Woodwards character, an utterly devout christian, is somewhat perturbed by people having sex in graveyards, naked girls jumping through fire and children being force fed frogs. His faith is tested the most, though, by having Britt Ekland do a nude jig for him. These tests of faith help to set up a thrilling climax.

The Wicker Man is superbly shot, the scenery is lovely and everything is well framed. The notion of this film being a musical never quite escapes you, due to the villagers bursting into song every 5 minutes, but adds to the quirkiness of the village.

As most of you will probably watch this on DVD I might as well give a brief over view on that. The 2 disc pack comes with the print of the film most people will have seen and a second disc with an extended directors cut. The vanilla version has been cleaned up and looks very good. Lovely 5.1 surround and a great documentary which explains the how the film was badly treated by the studio and why it became such a cult hit. The second disc is where the action is at though. A ‘directors cut'. Although whether it is a true ‘directors cut' or not is debatable. The extra material fleshes out the story significantly, extending woodwards stay on the island by a day and explaining why he's there and expands Christopher Lees role significantly. The new material is sometimes of dubious quality (having been buried under a road for some years!) and the sound is nothing to write home about, but it is as close as you can possibly get to the director's vision.

A Man Called Hero (1999)

HK cinema is heading in the right direction.

[7/10 · 28 November 2002]

Its really hard to write a review for this kind of film. On the one hand AMCH wants to be a credible story led film. OK, So what about the story. Well it is a strange affair. On the one hand, the hardship the Chinese felt, the bad guy and his ninja squad and a lot of the quest to find hero were pretty good. But on the other hand too many loose ends are left and some things seem to happen for no reason. What's with the weird gay subplot with hero's best friend? What's up with shadow? Why didn't he try and kick invincible's ass, instead of letting 'boss' get his handed to him (I know they were played by the same person, but, hey)? And what the hell happened to Hero's daughter (I accept that it sort of implies that's his latest quest, to find her, but they could have let us know. And why did he blow up the one man who knew where she might be?)?

As a martial arts film it is a strange beast. The only actual bit of traditional kung fu is when hero is showing off his talents to his prospective teacher. The rest is mostly wire work and hardcore CGI, which, for the most part, is pretty good. Shadow zips around, the Ninjas all have captain planet style powers and the face off between Pride and Invincible is awesome. But there just are not enough moments like these. I suppose ructions all the time would take away from what the director is trying to achieve (a man who hates fighting and death), but just one or two more or the existing ones eked out a bit would have been nice, if only to break up the slightly laborious pace.

On the whole, though, it is hard not to like AMCH. The sets are fantastic. The costumes and cast are all uniformly good and the cinematography is superb. The plot holes are forgivable and if you want to see non-stop kung fu action, go rent an old Shaw Brothers flick. The good far outweighs the bad, as far as I'm concerned and the two-disk set is a proud edition to my DVD collection. Its far too easy to cuss up this film, simply because the typical western audience for a martial arts movie don't seem to be ready to try something different. Shaaaame

Masters of the Universe (1987)

I have the Power!! Oh wait. No i don't.

[26 November 2002]

I was 9 when this first came out. I was amazed, excited and in awe. It was he-man! In real life! But then I started to think 'Wheres battle cat?' 'where are all skeletors henchmen?' 'why the hell isn't this set on eternia?' 'He-man can pick up mountains. Why is he getting his ass so beaten?'. And so it continued. The annoying midget took the place of Orko, was the icing on the cake! The problem with this film is, basically, that it was released 2 years too late. He-Man was hot in 1985. His popularity was on the wane. They also changed far too much. I know they probably relocated the story to Earth for budgetary reasons (a scrap yard is a cheaper place to have a battle than a 'mystical swamp'), but they could have at least kept skeletors old henchmen. Only Beastman survived and he was pretty lame. And don't get me started on the others. Aside from its cheapness and derivative nature, there are so many things wrong with this film. It is so unambitious. He-Man had the potential to weave a believable universe. It had established characters and conventions, it had mysticism and technology and a super hero lead. When you change that much you please no one. Fans of the original are disappointed and non fans have no interest. The only decent change they made was to include Mr Strickland from back to the future. That guy kicks ass! At least in the She-Ra movie they kept things the same. Now that was a tie in (note: Irony).