Comedy Central Roasts (TV Series)

Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis (2018)

Nikki Glaser: Self - Roaster

Quotes 

• Nikki Glaser : Kevin Pollak is here.

  [applause] 

  Nikki Glaser : Yeah. Such an amazing actor. Most... look, I know Kevin as, like, one of the greatest impressionists of all time. I'm a huge fan. My favorite of his is, um... he does an amazing Robin Williams. I-I just wish you would finish it.

  [groans and laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : Yeah. Okay, guys, listen, all I'm saying is that we've lost a lot of greats to suicide recently, and it's time we lose some okays.

• Nikki Glaser : A lot of people don't know that Bruce is a very talented musician, because he isn't.

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where they make sick kids meet you so dying doesn't seem so terrible.

• Nikki Glaser : Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone!

  [applause] 

  Nikki Glaser : He's so cute, so adorable. I bet you eat pussy, but only with the crust cut off first.

• Nikki Glaser : Martha Stewart, thank you for being here. Seriously. And congratulations on getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina.

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : And into your sweatshops.

• Nikki Glaser : Cybill's gorgeous. I'm, like, honored to meet her and, um... and her résumé is insane. Like, if you look at it, it's just, like, "model, actor, singer." You name it, she's fucked it.

• Nikki Glaser : Dom, I love you, but how did you have a stroke on both sides of your face?

• Nikki Glaser : Edward Norton is here.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Nikki Glaser : Hey, buddy. Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy, and then that boy became an asshole.

• Nikki Glaser : Bruce.

  Bruce Willis : Yes.

  Nikki Glaser : This is, uh, honestly, a real, uh... a big personal moment for me to be here roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star. I know you, obviously, as the star of every DVD you kinda just find on the street.

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : Obviously, you had an amazing action film career until Jason Statham started balding.

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : I'm just not familiar with action movies. I don't know; I've never seen a single one of your films consenually.

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : Like, it's always what some guy puts on while he's trying to finger me on his roommate's couch. Do you know what I'm saying?

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : Maybe I didn't understand "The Fifth Element" and it wasn't because I'm a dumb girl, but because it's hard to follow that plot when you're fighting off a roofie and there's a knuckle inside you. You know?

  [laughter] 

  Nikki Glaser : Just me? Oh, I loved "The Sixth Sense", though. I loved... and the ending, when the guy came in my eye and I didn't have to watch the rest of it? That was great.