- Jeffrey Ross: Bruce Willis, you, my friend, are a total original. How is it possible to look like a Nazi and a Holocaust victim?
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: You look like Sir Patrick Stewart if he operated a Ferris wheel.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: How the fuck are you a movie star? You look like a bouncer at a nursing home.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: You're like Elmer Fudd if he hunted bad scripts instead of wascally wabbits.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: This fucking guy. Bruce Willis wants an Oscar so fucking bad, he's slowly morphing into one.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: It's crazy. You went from being Hollywood's leading man to Demi Moore looking at you and saying "You know what? I'd rather fuck the dumb guy from 'Dude, Where's My Car?'."
- Jeffrey Ross: This is so much fun. I mean, Bruce is such a star. You've been in some of the most iconic scenes in cinema history. My favorite scene in "Pulp Fiction" when you save the guy from getting fucked in the ass. Hey, Dennis, at that point in the movie, were you like "Wait. Who's the bad guy again?"?
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: Of course, your most recent film was a big bomb, "Death Wish". What a fucking stinker, Bruce. It looked like you did your own stunts, and your own lighting, editing, and directing.
- Nikki Glaser: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone!
- [applause]
- Nikki Glaser: He's so cute, so adorable. I bet you eat pussy, but only with the crust cut off first.
- Nikki Glaser: Martha Stewart, thank you for being here. Seriously. And congratulations on getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina.
- [laughter]
- Nikki Glaser: And into your sweatshops.
- Nikki Glaser: Kevin Pollak is here.
- [applause]
- Nikki Glaser: Yeah. Such an amazing actor. Most... look, I know Kevin as, like, one of the greatest impressionists of all time. I'm a huge fan. My favorite of his is, um... he does an amazing Robin Williams. I-I just wish you would finish it.
- [groans and laughter]
- Nikki Glaser: Yeah. Okay, guys, listen, all I'm saying is that we've lost a lot of greats to suicide recently, and it's time we lose some okays.
- Nikki Glaser: A lot of people don't know that Bruce is a very talented musician, because he isn't.
- [laughter]
- Nikki Glaser: Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where they make sick kids meet you so dying doesn't seem so terrible.
- Jeffrey Ross: What a legend. Bruce Willis has been fighting terrorists since before they were Arab.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: Bruce Willis is pro-gun, pro-flag, and Propecia.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: Bruce Willis, you love your country so much, he once said that if the people wanted it, he might even run for president someday. I'd make fun of you for having political aspirations, but the last time I did that, the fucker actually became president.
- Jeffrey Ross: How about a hand for tonight's host, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
- [applause]
- Jeffrey Ross: JGL. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The only three words more boring than "gluten free cracker".
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: Thanks for dressing up, Joseph. You look like a lesbian on the way to prom.
- Jeffrey Ross: Kevin Pollak, I love you, man, but that Christopher Walken impression is so old, Ashton Kutcher tried to marry it.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: Love you, Kevin. Sit tight; you're gonna be big whenever Paul Giamatti dies.
- Jeffrey Ross: Bruce.
- Bruce Willis: Yes.
- Jeffrey Ross: You've accomplished so much, buddy. But I think it will always be your blockbuster "Armageddon"...
- [cheers]
- Jeffrey Ross: ...that serves as the greatest metaphor for your career. 'Cause in the end, you got destroyed by The Rock.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: Us Jersey boys are raised to have thick skin, so I knew you'd be a great sport tonight, and I wish you continued success, good health, and I can't wait to see your next project, "Die Hard 6: Natural Causes".
- Nikki Glaser: Cybill's gorgeous. I'm, like, honored to meet her and, um... and her résumé is insane. Like, if you look at it, it's just, like, "model, actor, singer." You name it, she's fucked it.
- Nikki Glaser: Edward Norton is here.
- [cheers and applause]
- Nikki Glaser: Hey, buddy. Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy, and then that boy became an asshole.
- Nikki Glaser: Bruce.
- Bruce Willis: Yes.
- Nikki Glaser: This is, uh, honestly, a real, uh... a big personal moment for me to be here roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star. I know you, obviously, as the star of every DVD you kinda just find on the street.
- [laughter]
- Nikki Glaser: Obviously, you had an amazing action film career until Jason Statham started balding.
- [laughter]
- Nikki Glaser: I'm just not familiar with action movies. I don't know; I've never seen a single one of your films consenually.
- [laughter]
- Nikki Glaser: Like, it's always what some guy puts on while he's trying to finger me on his roommate's couch. Do you know what I'm saying?
- [laughter]
- Nikki Glaser: Maybe I didn't understand "The Fifth Element" and it wasn't because I'm a dumb girl, but because it's hard to follow that plot when you're fighting off a roofie and there's a knuckle inside you. You know?
- [laughter]
- Nikki Glaser: Just me? Oh, I loved "The Sixth Sense", though. I loved... and the ending, when the guy came in my eye and I didn't have to watch the rest of it? That was great.
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt: It's not just action movies that made Bruce a star. He's actually a great dramatic actor, too. Like, I loved "The Sixth Sense".
- [cheers]
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt: It's a great movie. And it's a really impressive performance. I don't know how you pretended not to be embarrassed while a ten year old kid acted circles around you, but...
- [laughter]
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt: You did it. And, uh... and the ending, I did not see that twist coming. I mean, I-I shouldn't spoil it, but... I mean, fuck, it's been, like, twenty years. It's so good. So, okay, at the end of "The Sixth Sense", Bruce goes back to making shitty movies.
- Jeffrey Ross: Tonight, we honor the reason the world has a Vin Diesel.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: Bruce is a real man's man. He told me numerous times not to hold back tonight. It's been great getting to know you and your lovely family, and I-I see, uh... I met Rumer, your daughter. Hi, Rumer. I guess that's the name your mom gives you when she's not a hundred percent sure who your father is.
- Jeffrey Ross: All night, people are saying I look like you, but Cybill Shepherd looks like Bruce Jenner Willis.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: And Lil' Rel. Lil' Rel looks like Bruce "What You Talking 'Bout, Willis".
- Jeffrey Ross: My pal Lil' Rel is here.
- [cheers]
- Jeffrey Ross: So happy for you, buddy. So happy. Congrats on all your success, and your newest film, "Angry Birds 2". Good to see you're not selling out. What do you play, Jim Crow?
- Bruce Willis: [Last lines] Die Hard... is NOT A CHRISTMAS MOVIE! It's a goddamn Bruce Willis movie! So yippie-ki-yay to every one of you motherfuckers! Goodnight!
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Bruce Willis. What a career, right? "The Fifth Element", "The Sixth Sense", "The Whole Nine Yards", "Twelve Monkeys". Zero Oscars.
- [laughter]
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Quentin Tarantino, M. Night Shyamalan, Wes Anderson, Michael Bay. These are just some of Bruce's directors who refused to be here tonight.
- [laughter]
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt: We want you to have a good time tonight, but don't get too comfortable up here, because later, we're gonna be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher.
- [groans]
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Relax! Relax. Bruce gets along with him fine; he was even at Ashton and Demi's wedding. His gift was a toaster and $90 million.
- Jeffrey Ross: Joseph starred in "3rd Rock From the Sun", and Dennis Rodman smoked three rocks in front of his son.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: Yeah, why not? Give it up for our next Secretary of State, my man, Dennis Rodman.
- [applause]
- Jeffrey Ross: You think Kim Jong-Un is a nice guy, and he thinks you're Scottie Pippen.
- Jeffrey Ross: Great to see Cybill Shepherd again. And just like most shepherds, Cybill hasn't worked much in the last two centuries.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: Cybill had an affair with Elvis. How cool, man? Years after their affair, Cybill revealed that Elvis went down on you. Is that true?
- [Cybill nods slowly, to cheers from the audience]
- Jeffrey Ross: Yeah. All right. Hell, yeah. Well... you'd think a hound dog would have a better sense of smell. And speaking of moonlighting, Dom Irrera had to cancel two shifts at Macaroni Grill to be here.
- [laughter]
- Jeffrey Ross: Dom Irrera is what you look like right before you say "Tomorrow, I'm starting a juice cleanse."
- Dom Irrera: And it was really good hearing Ed Norton talk about himself so much. I've never seen anyone roast somebody else and talk about themselves so much with that kind of insincerity. What an arrogant motherfucker he is. Jesus Christ. I'd like to beat the fuck out of him. The skinny little prick, I met him in the hall, he fucking blew me off. I've never liked your work, I've never liked you and I gotta tell ya...
- [Turns to look at Edward Norton with a disgusted look]
- Dom Irrera: It's an honor to meet you.
- Kevin Pollak: [after being introduced by Joseph Gordon-Levitt] Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 'cause that's a fucking name. You know-
- [Audience cheers and laughs]
- Kevin Pollak: You're doing a great job tonight, Joey.
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt: [laughs and smiles] Thank you, thank you.
- Kevin Pollak: You are, really.
- [Signals to him for the audience]
- Kevin Pollak: He's such a pro. It's no wonder you've been working in Hollywood steadily since you were six years old. Of course it helps when your parents aren't choosy about who touches your pee pee.
- [Audience laughs]
- Lil Rel Howery: Bruce, you've done other movies with black comedians. Why did you ask somebody who ain't never did shit with you? I don't get that.
- [laugher]
- Lil Rel Howery: You with Chris Tucker, Tracy Morgan - God damn, this is sad.
- [laugher]
- Lil Rel Howery: I mean, you had the limo driver in "Die Hard," Argyle, and he's not even here - I don't know what the fuck he doin' - he need this shit.
- [laugher]
- Lil Rel Howery: You don't got Argyle here. What the fuck?
- [laugher]
- Jeffrey Ross: Get a shot of that whole table. It's the beautiful circle of life, Bruce. Your family looks like all the villains you killed off in the "Die Hard" movies.