The VelociPastor (2018) User Reviews

My Review Of "Velocipastor"

[ASouthernHorrorFan · 6/10 · 11 August 2019]

I fully expected to go into this movie finding it too ridiculous to review seriously. And yeah, in a way I was right. "Velocipastor" is ridiculous, it can't be taken seriously but I enjoyed every minute of it. It becomes clear very early that this movie means to be over-the-top. Much like classic horror comedies in the past, "Full Moon High", and "Pandemonium", this film knows it is absurd comedy and total cheese.

Brendan Steere understands perfectly well the type of film he is making, and he was smart enough to gather a cast and crew who were in on the joke too. Some of the acting obviously falls short and it is a tightrope walk getting this story from scene one to the end without total collapse. Still, somehow, everything holds together with fun, entertaining craziness. And genuine laughs.

The effects are a blend of cheap CGI and low tech practical effects that fit inbetween gaming graphics and Adult Swim stuff. It would have been cool if more focus on creating a darker raptor had been taken, but still, it is a movie about a young priest turning into a dinosaur so the puppet/costume seems fitting. I have to add that "Velocipastor" has a cool soundtrack. And the whole music video montage in the center was entertaining as heck!

Overall this isn't gonna be everyone's take on "Velocipastor". And I get it, a lot of people can only get into spoof horror if it has a big budget to sell the jokes. I enjoyed this film. It is silly, over-the-top, and entertaining. It doesn't take itself serious but everyone involved were serious about creating this tongue-in-cheek bit of satire.

Wonderfully dumb and funny

[JasonMcFiggins · 6/10 · 6 October 2019]

Don't worry, the spirit of the filmmakers are sitting next to you as you watch The VelociPastor winking and nudging and laughing the entire time. In other words, they're in on the joke and you should be too. The VelociPastor is as ridiculously fun as you'd hope it would be with a boyish, soft spoken priest (a perfectly cast Greg Cohan) obtaining the ability to turn into a vicious, flesh eating, and very corny looking dinosaur. The film plays out like a Saturday morning cartoon meets Troma, which makes it the perfect midnight movie with some weed or beer. Alyssa Kempinski is so good as Carol, the hooker. It's a limited role, but her performance is surprisingly very sweet and touching at times, and she shows some real talent here. Some of the many highlights include a workout montage featuring very short shorts, a ridiculous, multiple split screen love scene, a pimp with an epic comb over, a hilarious Vietnam War flashback, and ninjas. Just sit back and laugh, The VelociPastor is wonderfully dumb and very funny.

Don't expect Hamlet or "Gone With the Wind" with this one!

[planktonrules · 5/10 · 4 April 2020]

"The VelociPastor" is the story of a priest who is cut by an ancient artifact. And, as a result, when he's angry, he becomes (much like Bruce Banner) a killing machine that dispenses justice by murdering evil folks.

The story about the making of "The VelociPastor" is quite unusual. It seems that long before the movie was made, a fake trailer for the film was made. Apparently, with the trailer as a calling card, Brendan Steere was able to get enough financial backing to make the film....seven years later!

Now as to the film, you cannot take it seriously and fortunately the filmmakers really don't try. After all, a pastor who is cursed and who becomes a dinosaur (much like the Wolfman) is ridiculous....and tongue-in-cheek is the only way to make the film AND viewers need to understand that they are NOT looking at an Oscar contender or the next film to be included in the Criterion Collection DVD series!! The important question is, does the movie have enough going for it to keep your interest throughout or is it simply a one idea film that never quite gets off the ground?

The acting is occasionally terrible and over-acting is frequent...again, for this sort of silly film, that might not be so bad. After all, the leading man becomes a crime-fighting dinosaur!! There are also ninjas and much more...all things that make the film ridiculous...and funny. So, the writing is also pretty much what you'd expect...silly and hard to hate because it's so silly. Overall, fun to watch and stupid....an unusual combination!

Finally, I was surprised to see Aurelio Voltaire playing a small part (Altaire)...as he's a singer known for his dark songs...such as "Zombie Prostitute" and "When You're Evil"! I was even more surprised that they didn't have him contribute any music to the film....it would have greatly improved the production.

By the way, when the priest is spouting Bible versus, they are mostly nonsense...such as talking about Matthew 32...a book with only 28 chapters, not 32.

Horrible. Watch it now!!!!

[cupertino666-251-324092 · 2/10 · 29 December 2019]

I'm not going to throw much detail into this review; I'm just going to tell you the only thing you need to know:

This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen and you need to do yourself the best favor you'll give yourself all year and Watch. It. Now. No regrets!

One of the finest cheesy B-movies ever

[kannibalcorpsegrinder · 4 March 2020]

After a cruel twist of fate, a broken priest travels to China to find himself only to become afflicted with a curse turning him into a deadly dinosaur, and when he meets up with a troubled prostitute sets out to use his gift to help others which lets a deadly ninja cult find out about him and bringing them into conflict.

This one was quite the blast of a B-movie. What works best here is the obvious and overt winks that play up how ludicrous and over-the-top the storyline is. The concept involving a man grabbing onto a curse where he turns into a rampaging dinosaur capable of using those powers as the means to eliminate the crazed group of ninjas taking over the underground drug trade in the city should not be taken seriously in the slightest. The tongue-in-cheek nature of what's going on here, from the forced seriousness of the musical cues to the effects work and even the good-standing of the film to wink at the camera with how serious the silliness is adds a sense of fun to this one. As well, the film's short running time manages to constantly provide something funny and enjoyable to like. There's so much goofy and nonsensical action centered around the implausibility of the dinosaur hunting people down when we know it's a priest doing this all along, as the scenes of him eating the pimp, running out of an exorcism or fighting off ninjas while as a human and dino version in absolutely hysterical combat sequences provide the cheesiness required to give this the kind of complete cheesy package provided here. On the whole, these are what manage to hold this one up. There were a few minor flaws here. The main issue here is the completely explaining anything simply for the sake of the joke. There's something to be said for not being the point of the film, but the fact that no one's looking for any of the missing victims including the loner left dismembered in a public park or the other one he attacked in the church leaving physical evidence of the encounter behind. Likewise, there's nothing here to explain how the one victim who suffered a mortal wound in battle, visibly dying as a result, comes back later on without a scratch and no word as to how they survived. Granted, that's just a part of the joke and not the intention here but some of this could've been explained or touched upon. Likewise, the other real flaw here is the film's overall cheesy tone that won't be very appealing for some out there. There's plenty of work here in the cheesy realm featuring barely-finished CGI effects, badly-rendered physical make-up on the wounds and scars and the entire battle between the dinosaur and the ninjas taking place while having the dinosaur featured in a children's party costume performing rudimentary wrestling moves against the ninjas in a scene of pure jaw-dropping hilarity on the audacity to perform that on-camera. Still, thinking this is to be in any form of realistic manner is too cheesy to be included here which might take this to a point that's not entirely worthwhile for some, holding this one down for the most part.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence and Graphic Language.

WHY?

[josht-17071 · 5/10 · 19 April 2020]

There is absolutely no reason a movie like this should exist. Every single second of it is unnecessary. But it's a wild ride from beginning to end: violence, romance, suspense, mystery, gore, broken families, heartache, religion, ridiculousness, and more! It is a cultural journey through the complicated religious connections of the world. It's true marvel of cinema. Genius is the only way to describe it.

Please watch this flawless piece of art and share with everyone you know.

I'm so happy this exists

[FeastMode · 7/10 · 5 February 2022]

I've seen a ton of B-movies with absurd premises like this. They mostly suck, even for a B-movie. But this one knows exactly what it's doing.

This is the perfect kind of ridiculous. As I write this, I'm still laughing and shaking my head at some of the scenes. And it's not just randomly stupid. So much of it is strategic, subtle and clever. I laughed a lot.

When it was almost over, I was thinking it was fun but didn't cross the line into amazing. And then the payoff happened. I'm in such awe that the scene was actually filmed. In real life. On earth. By a professional movie crew and actors.

If you liked this, check out Zombeavers. (2 viewings, 2/4/2022, 12/16/2022)

So bad... But please watch it.

[skylermoore · 2/10 · 24 October 2020]

This falls into the "crappy movie" genre that is full of such bad movies they're good. In a way you have to applaud the writers and director, if intentional, how bad and over the top this is. Give it a watch, it's a good time. I'll give this a 2/10 purely on the fact it gets a one more than the worst rating for making my night. Watch it on Prime now!!!

10 STARS - ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. A MUST-WATCH

[info-95437 · 10/10 · 18 January 2020]

This is nothing but a hilarious ride from start to finish, a mangled heap of god-awful props, dialogue, costuming, lighting, special effects, and acting jammed into an inexplicable plot by a genius director who manages to make a very bad movie on purpose without any shred of pretense or shame. The ninja fight scene is what Mortal Kombat would look like if it got hijacked by a kindergarten drama class.

Watch this movie. It's terrible. It's schlocky. You'll love it.

Wow -- I actually loved this!

[BandSAboutMovies · 6/10 · 20 August 2019]

After a devastating family tragedy - my copy still doesn't have the VFX done but I can assume it must have been pretty awful - Father Jones loses his faith and moves to China, as you do. A dying woman gives him a dragon tooth and soon, he learns that he can transform into a raptor. At first, he's horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight ninjas.

If you don't want to watch this movie after that first paragraph, you may want to rethink coming to our site. This is a $35,000 epic begging for you to devour it.

When he comes back to America, he saves a prostitute named Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) from some muggers by tearing them apart. They make love, which goes against his vow of celibacy. And then, when her pimp confesses that he's the one who killed our hero's parents, well, all bets are off. The VelociPastor has a new mission from God and it involves killing lots of people, including a rogue sect of ninja Knights Templar.

I completely expected to hate this movie, seeing it as SyFy or Troma level dreck. To me surprise, it's cunningly in on the joke and understands exactly the kind of movie that it is. Throw in an utterly bonkers overly edited lovemaking sequence and you have a movie I'll be telling people about for the next few weeks.

The funniest part of the film - there are many - was when the church brings in an exorcist, played by animator/musician/toy designer/renaissance man Voltaire. Look - any movie where ninjas battle prostitutes and priests is going to be anything but boring. Pretty cool for a movie that came out of a trailer from 2011!

I don't want to be alone...please also watch!

[mrmomo22 · 1/10 · 25 May 2020]

I never thought I'd see a movie worse than Transmorphers! But, here we are! Not even Freddie the Mermaid could revive the thrill in this movie...Freddie the Mermaid! 😂😂😂Worst pimp EVER!!!😂😂😂

More realistic ninja fights have never been filmed.

[readygoagain · 10/10 · 13 March 2020]

Ninja fighting dinosaurs. Foam nunchucks. Karate chopping prostitutes. A priest who uses The Force. This movie has it all.

Great low budget comedy.

[13Funbags · 7/10 · 31 January 2020]

This guy did an awesome job of making a movie with no budget or sets. The story is good, the acting is acceptable and even the music is good. While it won't having you constantly laughing out loud, the silliness will make you happy. A priest drives his Chevelle to China. How could you not like it?

Not even so bad it is good..

[Rattrap007 · 1/10 · 10 June 2021]

I normally love a "So bad it is good" film. I loved The Room and Birdemic. I laugh at both. I loved Kung Fury. It was cheesy fun that tried to be a throwback to the 80s.

This is nothing more than an overly long YouTube sketch idea dragged out to more than an hour long. It felt way longer. This should be a five to ten minute sketch at most. This goes for intentionally bad which makes it fail. The reason a Full Moon, Troma, or Charles Band film works is they are low budget by at least try. This was "Ok this is what bad movies look like, let's imitate those". That doesn't work.

Save your time and skip this.

Just because something is aware it's bad, doesn't make it not bad

[GrantKanigan · 11 September 2020]

There's horror comedies, (Cabin in the Woods), comedies with horror, (Freaks of Nature, Pirhana 3D), or there's a special breed of film, like "Birdemic" that are comedies that are supposed to be horror, and don't know that they're comedies. Like 'The Room', 'Fateful Findings' or the aforementioned 'Birdemic' what makes those films so great, is that they're not intentionally setting out to make something 'so bad it's good' - it's just a happy, miraculous accident. Films like 'Velocipastor' or 'Sharknado' seem to exist in an uncanny valley, a mirror version of the former three films. They're a cheap imitation, and don't work.

Velocipastor was made on a shoestring budget, and that can actually work to some films' benefit - Clerks, Paranormal Activity, and the Blair Witch project were made on the cheap, and they're smart, often terrifying, or in the case of Clerks, hilarious films. A good story and clever filmmaking can overcome any budget issues. Here, an explosion is shown as plain text that says "insert exploding car VFX" that elicits a minor chuckle the first time, and just annoys every time after. When you're intentionally missing cues, inserting boom mic's overhead, having 'editing' mishaps it's not funny. It's like a planned blooper. Bloopers are funny precisely because they're unplanned. Here it just makes the filmmaker look like a self-saboteur, so uninterested in their own story they're cutting corners wherever they can to be "meta", when in reality it's just laziness. There's a goofy idea here, that maybe could have worked better as a straight faced horror comedy, without the winking at the camera. The filmmakers here are in on the joke. The problem is, is that the joke just isn't funny.

That being said - the two main actors do a fine job in their ridiculous roles - and deserve some better work in the future. And the soundtrack is killer. A scene midway through the film looks like a music video, and that's maybe what this should have been - a goofy, three minute punk rock music video. At 70 or so minutes - it feels like an eternity.

Bad

[skrstenansky · 4/10 · 8 October 2021]

This movie is pretty bad, terrible acting, terrible effects, terrible, story, terrible characters, terrible just about everything, but it all adds up and crafts a fine b movie comedy. Funny at times, stupid, but not good. Okay watch if you are bored.

If you want legit stupid dino flick, here is one that pulled it

[LadyDerpyCritic · 3/10 · 11 September 2021]

Pros: 1. It is stupidly funny to see a pastor become a dinosaur.

2. It has Voltaire in it! Like, holy cow! The Singer of the Dead shows his glory and face into this B flick!

3. The acting was great between Alyssa Kempinski as Carol and Greg Cohan as Doug Jones.

Cons: 1. The props are terrible. It's like watching a school play.

2. Scenes kept jumping and the cameraman from how it was shot was like disoriented shooting the film- The movie is bizarre as we speak.

3. The story was pushed fast, basically rushed and it can be confusing in the beginning.

4. Why ninjas? :/

The Velocipastor was something that once again, my friends and I watched on voice call on my server. I was having a heavy debate on watching it but my friends kept saying "This is great, you should totally watch with us!" I figured, sure! Why not I got nothing better to do besides just staring at a blank computer screen with the stream button on hold. And so, that is where the journey to the Great Valley starts.

The Velocipastor was a sight to behold! Like, I shat you not (Saw what I did there? XD), this movie was the lowest budget film ever to be made and produced! A $35,000.00 dollar budget to be precise and it was as low as it is with the special effects and props they had. It was a very corny movie. To have a plot centered around a pastor who gets this mysterious power from some artifact that can transform him into a dinosaur?! This is a far better transformation cringe than the werewolf one in The Boy Who Cried Werewolf- except in that movie, they tried their damn well best to make it good. The Velocipastor was made to make it as cheesy as possible with the plot and effects.

Throughout the whole thing, seeing a hooker and a priest have sexual feelings with each other felt like a Twilight movie going on except the hooker named Carol was a saint rather than Bella. Infact, this movie makes a better love story than Twilight.

What was surprising is that they got Voltaire, the singer known in The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, played as Altair who was another priest who was trying to exorcise the demonic BC reptile out of the holy protagonist's body.

The ninja plot though like I have to ask why? Was it really necessary to add Mighty Morphin Ninja Anti-Rangers into the mix? The main antagonist's plans are kinda far fetched and weak.

The story felt like it had a mind of its own and the director just went along with it. He wrote it to either make it legit or just a story idea he thought of and throw it to the audience to judge it- I think both.

Brendan Steere truly made a divine masterpiece that dug its way through the stone era and hit the heavens above to make such an absurd gateway plot for everyone to enjoy. Do I recommend this? Well, yeah and no. It is a mix for me. Personally, I watch it with friends and make fun of it. We will forever know that the greatest scenes in the movie was between the ninjas VS a poor realistic Barney costume and the picture of Anne Frank in the Vietnam flashback, LMFAO!

Movie Rating: 3.9/10 A movie to watch when you are bored and want to laugh at something stupid.

This is the feces embarrassment makes when it has too much shame!

[richardrocha-91828 · 7/10 · 25 January 2020]

If you love quality cinema and the movie Babel, you'll probably hate this. On the plus side, it's shorter than the Irishman and twice as entertaining. Stop being stuck up and watch something stupid and fun. Also... It would be a cinematic tragedy if they don't make Son of Velociraptor.

Absolutely ridiculous

[ALIENIGHTMARE · 4/10 · 9 September 2021]

While other reviews gave this movie 10/10 and made me want to watch this movie... movie is funny and it's funny because there was no special effects AT ALL! Lol! It was a parody of ninja movies too.

Pure ridiculous cheese

[SciFiandScary · 10/10 · 27 August 2019]

This was glorious. Pure batsh** cheese. So much better than I could have even hoped for.

Brendan Steere, Alyssa Kempinski, and Greg Cohan are a dino-mite team in The VelociPastor. Pretty much everything about the movie was perfect; if you're a fan of low-budget horror-comedies, it's a must-see. It has everything you could ask for - perfectly timed, groan-worthy lines, props that look like they came from a school play, and actors that embrace every bit of the cheese potential.

This had me roaring with laughter several times. It's the type of movie that, honestly, if you don't look at the poster and go "Oh, my God, I need this" then you need to just back away slowly. It's crude, loud, and ridiculous and amazingly good. Steere manages to bring the feel of the 70s to the screen in the best way. And when you add ninjas and a VelociPastor, really, there's nothing else you dare ask for.

Part of (okay, most of) what makes The VelociPastor so great is that Kempinksi and Cohan (a better-looking version of Benedict Cumberbatch) act the hell out of it. It's stupid cheesy, and yet they manage such solid performances that you can't help but admire them.

Overall, this is a near perfect movie and I (and Sam, who also watched and gave her input here) recommend it to everyone. Lots of action, lots of laughter, lots of fun.

Disclaimer: I received a screening link to this movie from the publicist for review consideration.

This is how to make B movie

[staunton-gary · 7/10 · 1 May 2020]

One of the best B grade movies, all the corny (ie rubbish) props and effects, but surprisingly worked. I found myself giggling a couple of times or had a smile on my face. Let's hope that a sequel isn't dropped on us though.

TUBI IS MY GO TO...

[lakishaferguson21 · 5/10 · 1 May 2022]

For ridiculous, over the top, poorly written/acted "movies." Between this, Joey Lawrence's SWIM, Ghost Shark, House Shark, Corn Sharks, Llamagedon, Killer sofa, ZOOMBIES (sequel too) TUBI is the hub now for these crazy, "How did they get funded?" movies. I'm now realizing how many of these films I've watched but it really helps when you're high. This film just might be one of the zanier ones I've watched. Awful and laughable acting, action, premise... Just EVERYTHING that could be bad in a movie, this fit the bill.

Best movie I've ever watched in the history of my life

[scherlewill · 10/10 · 22 January 2020]

Watch now, you won't be disappointed. I love the part when he turns into a raptor

One of 2018's finest

[doomedmac · 7/10 · 7 May 2021]

Just one question... what does selling drugs have to do with Christianity?

EVERYTHING.

So bad

[bigshow02745 · 1/10 · 27 March 2020]

It was so bad, but I watched the whole movie. Damn sheltering in place! Making me watch terrible movies. The dinosaur is worse than the ones from the old Land of the Lost tv series. I enjoy bad movies, but this was as bad as it gets.