Ridiculously boring found-in-sewage flick that lets us know from the get-go that it's made by Cheapskate Productions, a very tiny film company made up of three unemployed hobos and a hamster. (The hamster isn't fed regularly due to "budgetary constrictions" so it's sent to the garden to find its own grub several times a week. The hamster hates his employer almost as much as I hate this movie.)
Here's the prologue: "Sources have confirmed that none of what you're about to see is computer generated." I'm not joking. That's what it says - while ominous ambient music doodles in the background.
In other words: "Our useless Cheapskate Productions HQ informs us that yes, indeed, nobody managed to scrape up enough cash to hire even a first-year IT C-student to cobble together some half-baked but (sort of) usable special-effects alien-UFO footage that would at least make this look like a proper Z-movie. We promise no entertainment either. We're cheap and we're losers."
I guess that's why when the protagonist sees "something" in the barn (before he opens it properly), he freaks out, while the viewer is left wondering "the hell did he just freak out for? there's nothing there". Ditto when his obese fiancée hysterically screams upon seeing the crappy little green guy for the first time: from that distance you literally couldn't tell if it was an alien, a kid or even her fiancé. Yet somehow she INSTANTLY knew it was an alien. Damn cheap, and damn stupid.
The plot is as stupid as it is banal and dull. A young idiot couple decides to crash in on the farm property of the guy's grandparents, not knowing that they were out for the weekend. A phone call, perhaps? Evidently not. The guy keeps saying how close he is to his grandparents, yet he blatantly disregards his grandfather's order to stay away from "the barn" - which predictably turns out to harbour UFO-related thingumabobs. (Well, I'd figured it was either that or he was hiding serial-killer victims there. It's not like the horror genre offers much variety or possibilities. It's either little green men or killer peasants with green teeth.) He decides not to wait for his grandparents to come back, but actually breaks the locks like some deranged immature hooligan and starts snooping around the dull-looking barn, looking at a very boring piece of machinery - gadgets that don't even have the decency to make scary beeping sounds. (The beeping sounds were in the original budget, but were scrapped due to the company hamster getting a new wheel.) Watching these two inspect the barn is like watching that Cheapskate Productions hamster forage for food. They seem to be excited and scared, as if they're seeing the 17th Wonder of the World, but the viewer is yet again shaking his head in disbelief: "what the hell are they getting so excited about?!". It's as if the actors were given instructions to overact at every little situation as a substitute for actual events. Sort of the way Ed Wood plays dramatic music over a scene in which nothing exciting is happening. That lousy cheap-skate shtick didn't even work for 50s monster movies, let alone in the CGI age.
Just so you don't think his fiancée is simply a camera-operator, she gives us several scenes of her crappy-looking cheapo fake nails - which the director seems to have a fetish for. She looks like a rundown floozy, very plump, very mediocre-looking (being generous here) but I guess that's all they could afford. Though methinks with so many hot unemployed actresses out there, they could have easily hired a presentable actress. Or at least told her to grow her own damn nails and not wear that plastic trash that we the viewers have to look in close-up several times.
The next day they enter the barn again (trust me, every barn entry was a cinematic highlight in itself) and this time the guy breaks open a large box which - yikes - stores a green alien mask! Well, OK, it may have been an alien itself, but it sure looked like a cheesy one-dollar mask of the kind you probably get at any Area 51 tourist shop. The couple freak out big time (overacting, yet again, the basturds) and wonder what to do next. Do they take a CLOSER look at the mask/alien? Nope. They run to the house (where they feel safe for some strange reason, despite it being only a few meters away from the devilish barn), and make plans to call the FBI.
The FBI. You've heard of it, right? Apparently, the Plump One hasn't because she refers to it as "he". She probably thinks FBI stands for Franklin B. Iglesias or something. She thinks it's a guy in charge of all UFO-related calls (and that he does music on the side).
The FBI arrive, a few hours later as promised, and for a second there I thought it might really be Franklin B. Iglesias! Not so much the FBI as an overweight, underpaid hack actor with a stupid fake Texan accent. This "FBI agent" had come all the way to this remote farm, and yet he's too LAZY to make a few more steps and check out the mask/alien. He simply refuses to check it out! He accuses the couple of being drunk and what-not and simply won't go anywhere near the barn - out of principle, I guess. He's got his pride: doesn't want to get suckered into finding a damn green mask in a box. Or he's simply part of a VAST conspiracy, which unfolds(?) in the final scene when the male protagonist gets... killed? Arrested? Stunned? Who the hell knows. This is found-in-sewage nonsense; they never owe us any answers.
The couple is enraged at the fat lazy basturd so they decide to go back home. They're pretty much peeved and give us viewers the middle finger by trying to abandon the movie. (Or perhaps they were doing us a favour?) They try to start the car, but alas! The moron forgot the keys. They should have anyway known that horror-movie cars rarely start when you need them to escape from aliens or monsters or demons or omnipotent slashers. Guess where he left the keys? Why, in the barn of course!
And that's when the aliens suddenly start milling about like ants, walking around aimlessly and very stupidly, like the silly skinny hide-and-seek zombies they are. Why they didn't do this EARLIER is anyone's guess. (Did they grow so attached to the box they wouldn't leave it?) They look silly, they're filmed from a distance, so obviously the movie didn't need any frigging CGI, just as the director correctly pointed out at the outset.
Can you guess what happens next? Sure you can. There's an abduction: the Plump One is flown into Gamma Delta Epsilon Galaxy, located in the B-Movie Nebula, next to planet Zong. "Why don't you take the moron as well?" I could almost hear the audience (all 5 of you) shout as they saw her get kidnapped by the boring-looking aliens in their stupid never-shown space-ship that somehow materializes out of nowhere. They could have abducted a real cow, one that gives milk - a useful cow unlike this one. Would have been a better idea, but the aliens must have been enamored by those disgusting fake nails or something. Or there was no space in the ship for two humans? I figure if it's big enough for a woman that big, surely it can fit in a lot more people. Or the opposite logic: she took up all the space.
A little later the guy stumbles upon the FBI - two guys with sunglasses (in the middle of the night, obviously fans of Men in Black) who clearly didn't come to help but to do what they do best: kill American civilians for no reason. (The left-wing version of what the CIA, FBI and the police are for.)
So let me get this straight: the aliens had been sitting in that barn for over 50 years, unable to take off just because they were locked up in a barn? In a frigging box, like a set of old books? They couldn't figure out a way out!
If you still decide to watch this dross (by downloading it illegally, obviously, because if I find out you actually paid for this drivel in any way shape or form I will personally hunt you down), you can skip the first 25 minutes or so because literally nothing happens there. Unless the notion of two idiot actors doing meaningless non-plot-related improv somehow tickles your interest.
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