Friends (TV Series)

The One with the Jam (1996)

Lisa Kudrow: Phoebe Buffay, Ursula Buffay

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Phoebe is walking in the street, looks back and sees that a man is following her. He suddenly pretends he isn't following her and Phoebe carries on walking as the man buys a bunch of flowers from a nearby stall and continues following Phoebe] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [stops and turns around]  Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy! Yeah! Why have you been following me? I mean all week long, everywhere I look, there's you!

  Malcolm : [downcast]  You wouldn't return my calls. You send back my letters.

  Phoebe Buffay : [confused]  What?

  Malcolm : [begs]  One more chance, Ursula. Please!

  Phoebe Buffay : [realises]  Ohhh. Oh. Oh this is awkward.

  Malcolm : What?

  Phoebe Buffay : Um, yeah. 'Cause you want Ursula... and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters. Seriously.

  Malcolm : [disbelief to frustration]  Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a DINGUS!

  [throws the flowers on the floor] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [assuring]  Oh, you're not a *dingus*.

  Malcolm : [sits on a step]  I just... I w-w-want you to know, I didn't used to be like this. Before I met your sister, I was like this normal guy who sold beepers in cellular phones.

  Phoebe Buffay : [sits next to him]  Well... I mean, look, it's... it's not your fault, you know. I mean... this is just... this is what she does to guys, OK? Just...

  Malcolm : [assured]  Well, thanks.

  [he stands up but Phoebe grabs him and pulls him back down] 

  Phoebe Buffay : Wait! You know what? I've got a little story! When I was in junior high school, I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counsellor who said something to me that I think will help you a lot. He said, "OK, you're not a witch. You're just an average student."

  [short pause] 

  Phoebe Buffay : You see what I'm saying?

  Malcolm : Not really.

  Phoebe Buffay : [encouraging]  Um, well, get over it!

  [Malcolm looks encouraged] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [kind and assuring]  So, I mean, you just, you seem like a really nice guy. You know, I just... don't be so hard on yourself. OK?

  [they stand up] 

  Malcolm : [encouraged but nervous]  Wait, you're right. I know you're right. And thanks for being so nice.

  [he picks up the flowers] 

  Malcolm : [offers them to Phoebe]  Here.

  Phoebe Buffay : [accepts the flowers]  Oh! Thanks a lot! Do you wanna get a cup of coffee, or...

  Malcolm : Yeah. OK.

  Phoebe Buffay : OK.

  [Phoebe starts walking and Malcolm walks right behind her. Phoebe stops and turns around] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [kindly]  You don't have to walk behind me anymore.