The Crucifier (2005 Video) User Reviews

Not Worth Flushing Down Your Toilet - Save the Water

[jay-bethke · 2/10 · 23 January 2006]

Couldn't agree more with anyone who says this is bad, bad, bad. It's that bad. Incoherent, really. The little bits of dialogue are just atrocious, with guys in T-shirts and jeans sitting at a blue-collar kitchen table using old English mixed with new, occasionally slipping in-between American and British accents because they haven't been coached on how to deal with their oddball dialogue. The "story," if we take the liberty of calling it that, involves a lot of self-loathing (Bill Zebub's contribution?) and some kind of piecemeal, not-thought-out-too-far pseudo-Satanism, and a lot of crappy cliché shots that make it obvious the director is anything but eclectic in taste or life. A full half of the film is made up of naked or semi-naked young women tied up in a forest (the only thought in my mind seeing this was: "Mom, Dad, this is my big break!"). Slow pans up theirbodies or through the trees fail to hide the bored look on the girls' faces. Meanwhile, and through most of the film, pitifully awful, stupid and hate-able music plays, with lyrics worse than the film's dialogue ...idiotic enough to make your stomach turn. I see a lot of trashy films, but rarely are they so totally uncultured. There's no point ...life's too precious to bother over this garbage.

bad bad movie. I mean REALLY bad.

[jmudra · 1/10 · 17 October 2005]

I don't know if you can even rent this movie... it's definitely a low budget film. Looks like something someone made for some class in college. Actually, I was making better stuff when I was 13 w/ my dad's VHS camcorder!!! Just, Mine didn't have any hot girls with tits. And I don't think I would have included all these weird satanic references in it.

I don't know where this thing came from, but wow... after about 5 minutes into the movie I started to fast forward through it!!!

I think you have to be tripping on LSD to find this movie interesting at all.

It seemed more like a bad bondage film to me, there's lots of tits, lots of OK looking girls being tied up.

other than that, it truly seems like some dork got hold of some better film making equipment, and since he didn't have anything better to do with his time b/c he's a loser, he made this movie.

I can't believe I wasted 15 min trying to watch it, and all the bandwidth downloading it... AR, it's really painful...

not painful in a good way like Gummo either, painful in the having to watch your little cousins hour long film on his walk through the woods... actually THAT might be more entertaining!!!

Wanna See Topless Chicks in Their Underwear? Then this movie is for you.

[John-Athens · 1/10 · 20 December 2009]

Because that's all this movie contains. Just chicks tied up in a "crucified" position. Plot? What Plot? There is no plot! All you get is some religious symbolism BS, and some quasi-satanic dialogue spewed from a guy wearing a skull mask, with an upside down cross on it. If you have the fortitude to sit through this movie in it's entirety then 1) You are an objective movie-watcher, willing to give ANYTHING a chance, or 2) You were somehow involved in this so-called project. Now, there's nothing to say you can't make a good movie on a shoe-string budget, but it's painfully obvious from the first 30 seconds that no effort whatsoever was put into this movie. This movie has the worst, stilted acting I've ever had the misfortune of witnessing. So, unless you're desperate to see topless, semi-attractive chicks in bondage (rent a porno for God's sake!), avoid this movie at all costs. Or, just take LSD, and watch this with a bunch of friends. Who knows, you just might understand this movie.

You'll prefer to be crucified

[milkhole213 · 1/10 · 13 November 2021]

I finish the Tomb of Terrors box set with the third Bill Zebub film on here. Unfortunately it's easily the worst of his films here and for the most part worthless. It's about an "acid party" and a guy in a lame mask talking endlessly in a pretentious, pseudo-intellectual blasphemous manner to a topless woman wearing an equally lame mask in a basement. His ranting is even more annoying because he has a whiney, stupid voice and you can often see his tongue moving inside it, gross. There's lots of scenes of women "crucified" in the woods while topless of course. The women here are at least decent looking as they always are in a Zebub movie but the nudity is completely unerotic and staring at boobs is great and all but it's rendered almost boring here. Other than boobs the films sole highlight is the soundtrack being eerie ambient with neo-folkish style vocals every now and then. The ending is stupid with a character who has been barely seen confessing to a cop his crimes of tying up the women in the woods trying to avoid the death penalty for potentially killing them. The movie ends soon after this and the viewer realizes they have mostly wasted 75 minutes of precious life.

Being the end of this arduous task (started September 28th) of watching all 50 of the mostly dreadful films from the Tomb of Terrors I'm going to now rank them. Star ratings don't necessarily reflect placement:

The Traveler (****) Kill Them and Eat Them (***1/2) Shower of Blood (***1/2) Strange Things Happen at Sundown (***) Soul of the Demon (***1/2) The Slasher (***) Blood Legend (**1/2) Cutting Room! (**1/2) Flesh Eating Ghouls from Outer Space (**1/2) Terror at Baxter U (**) Kill the Scream Queen (**1/2) Granny (**1/2) Gorno: An American Tragedy (**1/2) Purvos (**1/2) Revenge of La Llorona (**) The Parasite (**) The Vulture's Eye (**) Lifeblood (**) Reanimator Academy (**) Shadowhunters (**) So Mort It Be (**) Siege of Evil (**) Rose of Death (**) Rape is a Circle (**) Bikini Party Massacre (**) Demon Sex (*1/2) To Become One (*1/2) Capture the Flag (*1/2) The Somnambulists (*1/2) Redneck County Fever (*) Nightmare Museum (*1/2) The Night Owl (*) From Venus (*) Skyggen (*) Three Can Keep a Secret (*) The Lunar Pack (*) Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires (*) The Crucifier (*) Devil's Moon (1/2*) Human Behavior (*) Inexchange (*) Unborn Sins (1/2*) Disk Jockey (1/2*) None Left Standing (1/2*) Death from Beyond (1/2*) Sorority Babes in the Dance-A-Thon of Death (1/2*) Season in Hell (1/2*) Sleep Disorder (1/2*) The Abberdine County Conjurer (1/2*) The Woodland Haunting 2 (1/2*)

Any of the last 5 can be candidates for the worst movie of all time. There's a few hidden gems here like The Traveler, Strange Things Happen at Sundown, Soul of the Demon and Kill Them and Eat Them but for the most part these films are very low budget and intensely mediocre to downright wretched. I only give The Woodland Haunting 2 the bottom spot because it's awful comedy, The Abberdine County Conjurer at least attempts to be a serious (I think) horror but fails miserably with an absurd 135 minutes runtime. The Traveler is the must see here for any low budget splatter fans that don't mind a bit of pretentiousness. Now I just have to dig out the Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares, Mortuary of Madness or Catacomb of Creepshows and start all over again.