Home on the Range (2004)
Roseanne Barr: Maggie
Photos
Quotes
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Maggie : Yeah, they're real, quit staring!
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Mrs. Calloway : It's Buck.
Maggie : Stallion of the Cim-MORON.
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Maggie : I got it! Why don't we go nab that Alameda Slim and use the reward money to save the farm?
Mrs. Calloway : Oh, that *is* a sensible idea.
Maggie : I knew you'd love it!
Mrs. Calloway : Don't they have sarcasm where you come from?
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Maggie : All right, what part of "cover me" didn't we understand?
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Mrs. Calloway : Maggie, may I be frank?
Maggie : Only if you let me wear the hat.
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Maggie : [to Piggy] Here, have an apple, kid. Don't go near any luaus, though.
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Maggie : Look, we don't eat meat. It's kind a professional courtesy.
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[Mrs. Calloway saves Maggie from drowning during the flash flood and drags her to a nearby rock on the shore]
Maggie : No! Come on, girls, we can't give up!
Mrs. Calloway : Maggie, that's enough. The minute this lets up, we're heading straight home to Patch of Heaven.
Maggie : But what about catching Slim and collecting the reward?
Mrs. Calloway : We never had a prayer of catching Slim in the first place. This whole ridiculous plan is just so you can get revenge on those cattle rustlers.
Maggie : Hey! For your information, duchess, this whole ridiculous plan is about us saving our farm.
Mrs. Calloway : Huh. Our farm might've had a fighting chance until you came along.
Maggie : What's that supposed to mean?
Mrs. Calloway : Strutting around with your vulgar show-cow behavior.
Maggie : Look, I was just having...
Mrs. Calloway : Wasting our time on your foolish plans. Through the years, Patch of Heaven has survived every hardship that nature can dish out, but you, Maggie, are the biggest catastrophe to ever hit our farm.
Maggie : Well, if that's the way you feel about it, maybe we should just go our separate ways.
Mrs. Calloway : Now, that's the first good idea you've ever had.
Maggie : Fine!
Mrs. Calloway : Fine!
Maggie : Fine!
Mrs. Calloway : Fine.
[Sits down as Grace looks sadly at the two of them]
Maggie : Yeah. Fine. It's not like your farm was ever gonna feel like home to me anyways.
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Maggie : [to Buck] Well, if it isn't the Phony Express.
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Maggie : Last one to the barn sleeps standing up!
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Maggie : You go, cow girl.
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Grace : What kind of sheriff's office was that?
Mrs. Calloway : Saloon girls? Gambling? How does he ever get any work done?
Maggie : If that's the sheriff's office, this town rocks!
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Maggie : Cattle drive. Told ya. You both owe me a dollar.
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[first lines]
Maggie : [narrating] Home on the range. Once upon a time, I had a home on the range. But not anymore. Well, it's no use cryin' over spilled milk. Speakin' of which, that's me. I'm a cow. Yeah, they're real.
[referring to her udders, while shooing away a fly with her tail]
Maggie : Quit staring. I'm sort of between homes right now. I lost my old place thanks to the meanest bunch of cattle rustlers in the west, Alameda Slim and the Willie Brothers gang.
[Alameda Slim uses his yodeling and stole all of Abner's herd of cattle]
Maggie : Somehow, they stole the whole herd right out from under our noses and then they disappeared without a trace.
[Abner checks out that his herd of cattle is gone, but she was the only one that was here]
Maggie : After that, poor old Abner couldn't afford to keep the place... or me, either, for that matter. Well, no matter how bad things get, there's probably somebody worse off.
[She sees Lucky Jack running with the rattle snake still biting his whole head, then he runs into a cactus which fling off the rattle snake]
Maggie : That guy, for instance.
Abner : Hey, Maggie. Take a look at your new home.
Maggie : Hey! A dairy farm? Now we're talkin'! Hope it's not one of them fat-free places.
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Mrs. Calloway : [after the overnight rain, Maggie and Mrs. Calloway are still sleeping the next morning. As she is still sleeping, Maggie eats the flower on Mrs. Calloway's hat as she wakes up] Maggie. Maggie. Maggie. Wake up.
Maggie : [wakes up suddenly] Check, please!
[looks at Mrs. Calloway who gives her a glare as she is still holding her hat, puts it back in her head and tries to make her smile, but no avail]
Maggie : It tasted a lot better in my sleep.
Mrs. Calloway : Well, I suppose you'll be off now.
Maggie : Mm-hmm.
Mrs. Calloway : Where will you go?
Maggie : Oh, probably check out the Grand Canyon. See Utah before I die.
Mrs. Calloway : Wait a minute. Where's Grace?
Grace : Hi, there. Boy, am I glad you guys are up. Hey, come look at this.
[They go behind the rock to see green plants]
Mrs. Calloway : What on earth? Where did all this come from?
Maggie : [as she's eating the plants] Hey, it's green, it's leafy, and it's free. Shut up and eat.
Lucky Jack : [arriving on the scene] Good morning, ladies.
[He sets up a wheel as a table]
Lucky Jack : I see you're already tucked into your appetizer. Never knew a pretty lady that didn't have an appetite.
Mrs. Calloway : Oh, now, see here, you ruffian...
Grace : He's not a ruffian, Mrs. Calloway. He's a genuine desert shaman, our very own wise man.
Lucky Jack : [after he sets a campfire with his peg-leg] Shaman, chef, chief cook, and bottle washer. I'm a jackrabbit of all trades and at your service. Folks around these parts call me Lucky Jack. Yep, they used to come from miles around just to get one rub of my lucky rabbit's foot.
[notices his peg-leg is on fire]
Lucky Jack : Whoo! Dagnabit!
[tries to blow to put out the fire, but finally puts out the fire with his mouth]
Lucky Jack : This happens all the time. Now, where was I? Ah.
[Presents the cows with a dead scorpion]
Lucky Jack : Voila! Now let me just get this on the fire and it'll be ready directly.
[He cuts up the scorpion with a knife and fork, tosses the parts up in the air and grabs them with his ears, but the tail part ends up stinging his eye]
Maggie : Look, we don't eat meat. It's kind of like a professional courtesy.
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Maggie : [having learned that her enemy is that of Jack's too] Slim! You mean this no-good varmint is hiding out in Echo Mine right now?
Lucky Jack : Without a doubt.
Mrs. Calloway : Maggie, what are you thinking?
Maggie : [with newfound determination] Look, I got a score to settle with that rhinestone fat boy and nothing to lose.
Grace : But it'll be dangerous going after Slim all by yourself.
Maggie : [hugging Jack relunctantly] Hey, I got the rabbit.
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Maggie : [having been at each other's throats for too long, despite enlisting Jack's help] As strange as this sounds, Grace is actually making sense.
Grace : Thank you.
Maggie : You want the money and I want to get even with Slim. The three of us go together, and we're sure to get him. Once you collect the reward, I'll walk out your front gate and I'll stay out of it forever. Deal?
[as she talks, Jack is curious for this action]
Mrs. Calloway : Your powers of persuasion are uncanny. Deal.
Lucky Jack : Ha! Bovine bounty hunters! Now I've seen everything. Let's get moving, ladies. Time for an underground smackdown. Yee-haw!
[he shows them the way]
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Grace : [the cows and Lucky Jack finally arrived at Echo Mine] Lucky Jack, you did it! We're here!
Mrs. Calloway : Well, I take my hat off to you, Jack. But you've got us here in one piece.
Lucky Jack : Well, seein' is believin'.
Maggie : And I don't believe what I see.
[sees Buck talking to Junior, who is guarding the entrance]
Mrs. Calloway : Oh, it's Buck!
Maggie : Stallion of the Cim-moron.
