Elves (1989) User Reviews

Nazis, virgins, incest, valley girls, Santa crotch stabbings, a rubbery elf creature and other swell stuff.

[capkronos · 3/10 · 8 March 2008]

This isn't a good film, but it's a pretty good bad film. Troubled blonde teen Kirsten (Julie Austin) has a horrible home life that rivals just about everything Linda Blair went through in her 1970s film adventures. Her dad is out of the picture (or so she thinks). Her mother (Deanna Lund) is an icy mega-bitch whose idea of punishment is tapping into her daughter's savings account. Her kid brother Willy (Christopher Graham) is an obnoxious perv who likes to look at her boobies. Her German grandfather (Borah Silver) is a wheelchair bound weirdo who slaps her around for staying out too late. Needless to say, Kirsten is having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit. On top of all that, she's having these strange dreams which have something to do with some book or her family lineage or a drawing she made. It's all rather muddled and hard to understand. Kirsten, along with her bimbette friends Brooke (Laura Lichstein) and Amy (Stacey Dye), decide to hold some sort of séance out in the middle of the woods. Before they can even get started, Kirsten cuts her hand on a busted glass candle. Blood gets on the ground, the girls leave and out pops a rubbery elf monster! Not elves. An elf. Just one of them. Don't expect GREMLIN like monsters running around killing everyone despite the title.

Kirsten works at a department store. It's Christmastime and her boss is being a jerk. He threatens to fire her after she knocks out the guy playing Santa for trying to feel her up. The elf sneaks into the store and kills the mean Santa by stabbing him in the crotch about 10 times with a knife. Police show up and basically do nothing. Homeless, out of work former store detective Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty) is hired on to replace the dead Santa. Despite the mysterious murder and a mad killer still on the loose who was just there earlier that day, Kirsten, Brooke and Amy decide to have a secret slumber party after hours in the store. They invite three guys over (who never make it inside), put on make-up, try on ugly lingerie, decide what tents they want to boff their boy toys in and end up getting attacked by both the elf AND some heavily armed posse of mystery men who somehow know all about what's going on. Only Kirsten and Mike end up getting out of the store alive, but there's more fun in store for young Kristen when she gets home.

As it turns out, Kirsten is of a rather special bloodline. The Nazis are after her because they know she is the key to reviving the "Master Race." They know that only a virgin who is the bi-product of father-daughter incest is suitable to mate with an elf to bring on the second coming of the Third Reich. Will the rubbery elf fiend be able to wine, dine and consummate its relationship with Kirsten? Does Kirsten now wish she'd given it up to her mullet-sporting suitor in the home improvements section earlier in the film? See what happens ladies when you save yourself for marriage. Tragic consequences always ensue. You'll either get a lot of innocent people killed because cannibals want to sacrifice you or you'll get lots of innocent people killed because elves want to mate with you to create Nazis.

In addition to the wacky plot, this one has lots of profanity, lots of bad taste, lots of bad acting, lots of quotable terrible dialogue, lots of hideous 80s hair and clothes, a little gore and even some nudity, most of which is provided by the evil mother character when she gets electrocuted in the bathtub when the elf throws a radio in. It's all pretty awful, yet entertaining nonetheless.

Bizarre plot

[Tikkin · 4/10 · 13 June 2006]

The best thing about Elves is most definitely the plot. The acting is so-so, the elf itself (yes, there's only one elf) is OK but a bit cheesy looking when you get to see it. You don't get to see it very much sadly. I didn't really get bored whilst watching Elves, which I was thankful for. The bizarre plot keeps you wondering what will happen next, especially after revelations about in-breeding and Nazis. There is one hilarious line when the girls brother says "Is everything going to be alright?", to which she replies: "No Willy, granddad's a Nazi".

The main problem with Elves is that it doesn't really do much. Yeah, the plot is bizarre, but the film doesn't really do it justice. You don't get to see much of the elf, so really the film is more like a bizarre story being narrated by the characters, as opposed to an actual film.

Horrendous but Hilarious

[reverendtom · 3/10 · 20 March 2005]

No doubt about it, this is one piece of cinematic crap if there ever was one. But, it is likable in several respects. One, Dan Haggerty, he of golden mane (is it gold from all the cigarettes he smokes?) and large belly and beard. Two, the Elf doll is hilariously cheesy. It is like watching someone play with a toy. The thing must only have like one moving part. Three, the dialog is hilarious and the acting is horrendous. As a so bad its funny film, its definitely worth wasting an hour and a half on. But beyond that, this is really crappy. Even as a so bad its funny schlockfest, it could have been much better. It gets bogged down in an absurd conspiracy story about Nazis and the fourth Reich, so on. Although this retarded back story results in a great scene where a professor explains to Marlboro Man Haggerty ( actually they were Camels) the history of Nazis and elves at his Christmas dinner table. The name is false, as well, as there is only one elf.

So bad it should carry an official elf warning.

[BA_Harrison · 2/10 · 22 July 2014]

The best thing about writer/director Jeffrey Mandel's trashy late-'80s horror flick Elves is its delightfully bonkers premise: on Christmas Eve, shop-girl Kirsten (Julie Austin) discovers that she has been raised as part of a decades-old plan engineered by the Nazis to selectively breed a hybrid human/elf master race. Can't say that I've ever seen that one done before.

Sadly, despite this wonderfully wacky story-line, which incorporates such exploitative elements as incest, Nazis, cat-drowning, gratuitous nudity, a couple of surprisingly mean-spirited deaths, horny young women in lingerie and, of course, a murderous two-foot tall supernatural creature, the film proves to be about as much fun as a deep root canal, thanks to a dreadful script, amateurish direction, poor acting, and a truly pitiful titular creature-a pathetic plastic creation with fixed facial features and limited articulation in its poorly crafted limbs (which makes it walk like it's got a bad case of diarrhoea, and might explain its permanent 'I think I've just crapped myself' expression).

A chain-smoking Dan Haggerty (of Grizzly Adams fame) plays the reluctant hero-ex-cop-turned-store-Santa Mike McGavin-but gives a performance that is almost as lifeless as the film's crappy elf.

1/10, generously bumped up to 2 for the Santa crotch stabbing, the girl who gets shot in the head, and the gag in which Haggerty glances at a stuffed grizzly bear display piece.

A gem for bad movie buffs

[yoda-57 · 5 July 1999]

Wow! I can't believe this movie exists. Just when I thought Chuck Norris was the worst actor ever, along comes Grizzly Adams. He is a department store Santa trying to stop a Nazi created elf from doing something. The elf is laughable. Characters come and go without explanation. The elf kills without explanation. Grizzly Adams acting defies explanation. The dialogue is priceless. This movie was delightfully bad. I highly recommend it. Rent it for a laugh.

Grizzly vs. Gremlins

[dcarma2002 · 4/10 · 29 April 2005]

"Elves" stars Dan Haggerty (TV's former Grizzly Adams) as a chain smoking ex-cop turned shopping mall Santa Claus. Grizzly apparently had a falling out with the force due to his insufferable boozing. The stress of his muddled life may play a role in the heavy smoking. This isn't mentioned outright, but I took a few film classes through correspondence school, so I have an eye for these sorts of storyline hints. Haggerty prepared for the role by yellowing the whiskers of the beard that made him famous to reflect the stain of cigarette toxins. Quite frankly though, the quality of his performance begins and ends with the yellow beard. One is forced to actually pause the film in order to ponder how in the hell this guy landed his own television SERIES. Ignoring the stench of Chesterfields on him, you might conclude that the only suitable gig for this actor is . . . well, a shopping mall Santa Claus. But I digress.

--Potential spoilers-- I won't bore you with the long story, though it may sound intriguing at first—trust me, it's not. Grizzly takes on a troupe of trolls (the so-called Elves) created by a neo-Nazi mad scientist. These not-so-lovable little helpers are on a quest to mate with a virgin and create a master race. And if it weren't for one disgruntled black-lung copper, they just might have gotten away with it. The mall—scene of many a holiday season nightmare—becomes the stage for the final Good vs. Evil battle over Toyland supremacy. In the end we are left with two certainties: 1.) All the best mall action DOES happen after it closes, and 2.) Drinking your way out of a respectable job can, in fact, lead you to becoming a hero.

good party flick

[sycho_rye · 2/10 · 17 November 2001]

First of all, to say this movie has anything good about about it is laughable. Secondly, this flick is a laugh riot if you watch it with a bunch of friends. The director really went beyond horrible with the horrible effects, and the laughable acting. Not to mention Grizzly Adams' constant smoking of the cigarette that doesn't extinguish. If you are looking for a movie to scare you, don't bother with this, if you looking for something to make fun of... steal it, it isn't worth the $2 rental fee.

"What are you? Is that Elf yours? How many teeth have you got?"

[Coventry · 4/10 · 21 June 2020]

I think we have another winner... The plot of "Elves" definitely has earned a spot in top 10 most bonkers and randomly senseless plots ever penned down for a horror movie! It's a Christmas movie, and for once it doesn't revolve about an escaped lunatic killer in a Santa Clause suit! Instead, writer/director Jeffrey Mandel (who?) cooked up a Christmas goulash with bizarre ingredients like evil doctors, sickening family confessions, shopping mall Santa heroes, gratuitous cat-killings and a hideous two-foot tall Elf creature! That's right by the way; the film is called "Elves" (plural) even though there's only one elf (singular) on display. Close to Christmas, 17-year-old Kirsten and her two not-too-clever friends unwittingly summon a demonic little Elf-creature in the woods. Little do they know that Kirsten's crippled grandfather once was a Nazi scientist who designed the plans for the creation of a superior master race. The elf creature has to breed with Kirsten on Christmas Eve. Luckily, she works in a department store where the homeless and chain-smoking replacement Santa Clause is the only one who can rescue her from the claws Nazi-elf! "Elves" is terrible and inept, but simultaneously hilarious and easily one of the most entertaining "so-bad-it's-good" movies I've seen in a long time. Each and every single character in this film is insane, like the loathsome mother who hates her own daughter so much that she drowns her beloved cat in the toilet or Grandpa's crazy accomplices. Even though the tone of the film is nonsensical and fairly light-headed, there are a couple of vile and misplaced gory sequences. The acting performances from the entire cast are atrocious, but main star Dan Haggerty is the worst of all. He speaks in the same tone of voice throughout the entire film, whether he's calm or excited, and he looks as if he's sorely missing the time when he was a depicting a hermit living amidst the grizzly bears. His character also has some of the dumbest lines in cinematic history, like for example when he's beating up one of the Nazis and asks him - in between two smashes - how many teeth he has left.

A horrendous lump of total celluloid coal

[Woodyanders · 1/10 · 25 December 2006]

Bad "Gremlins" rip-offs were all the rage in the mid to late 80's. Foremost among this ignoble bunch of 80's formula schlock horror swill are "Hobgoblins," "Spookies," "Ghoulies," "Munchies," and "Leprechaun." But this stupendously stinky low-budget direct-to-video dud somehow manages to go that extra shabby mile so it can qualify as the single most supremely shoddy "Gremlins" cash-in copy to ever crawl its shameful way onto celluloid.

The strictly by-the-numbers plot revolves around an obnoxious virginal teen bimbo (the highly annoying and less than endearing Julie Austin) who's just turned 17; the stupid adolescent brat accidentally awakens a bogus-looking, none-too-frightening monster which was created by the bimbo's crippled ex-Nazi grandfather. The unsightly dwarf creature has to mate with the bimbo so that a new Aryan race can be created and subsequently start a Fourth Reich. Also involved in the asinine story are a gaggle of pistol-packing neo-Nazi scumballs who bleed foamy liquid when shoot (this odd trait is never explained) and a groggy Dan "Grizzly Adams" Haggerty as a boozy, chain-smoking, yet still heroic department store Santa.

This groan-inducing cinematic abomination strikes out something terrible on all the essential film bases: we've got bland, unbecoming performances from a noticeably disinterested cast, chintzy production values, a confused, hard to follow (and swallow) messed-up script, flat direction, sluggish pacing, and a very terrible inexpressive plastic beast that isn't even an elf -- it's a lousy troll instead (boo! hiss!). Despite a few severely fumbled should-be nifty murder set pieces -- a lecherous department store Santa gets gruesomely castrated by the troll, "Land of the Giants" TV show star Deanna Lund as our teen heroine's nasty bitch stepmother winds up eating some seriously lethal amps when the troll tosses a radio in the bath tub she's soaking in -- this thoroughly atrocious clunker is nonetheless well worth avoiding altogether.

An Underrated Holiday Horror Gem!

[meddlecore · 6/10 · 13 December 2017]

This schlock-ridden beauty is a christmas horror gem of the it's-so-bad-it's good variety.

The plotline is gold.

Nazis have genetically engineered the master race gene into elves buried in an american forest. The man behind this plot impregnated his own daughter, as part of a scheme to create the perfect human- specifically designed to procreate with these elves. Hence, his granddaughter is the focus of an ancient prophecy come to fruition...as she is to breed with the elf at midnight on christmas morning, to bring forth the antichrist and master race- who will rule over the entire world.

But she has no idea about any of this...until, well, her friends start getting murdered by nazi occult priests and the elf itself.

Up to this point, she's just a rad 80's chick, upset with the outrageousness of this square world...shooting the shit with her girlfriends and getting up to no good. At least when she's not working.

One night, she and her girlfriends break into the department store where she works. They plan to party...but are are interrupted with this whole fiasco, before they get a chance to let loose.

Now, her, Santa, and her little brother must take on and destroy the elf, before she gets raped and knocked up with the antichrist by it.

This film is cheesy as hell, but the elf is kinda cool (though, also totally lame), and its full of awesomely quotable one liners. There's even some tension in there! Meaning, it's pretty much everything you want in a christmas horror this holiday season.

Recommended.

6 out of 10.

Nazi Elf Vs. Grizzly Adams

[alansmithee04 · 2/10 · 26 June 2004]

A genetically engineered elf (One, I repeat, ONE elf.) pursues the virginal daughter of it's Nazi scientist creator and runs afoul of a chain smoking ex-detective turned department store Santa. I would have loved to be in the room when this was pitched!

So, yeah, teens get slashed, conspiracies get exposed, university professors get pestered. We also find out why you should never wander around a department store in your underwear, why you should always listen to your grandpa (even if he is a Nazi), and how to use a teen's head to open a locked security door. Plus, Dan Haggerty even manages to raise his voice above a mumble! What more could you want? If you only see a few thousand films in your life, make sure that THIS ISN'T ONE OF THEM!

Hahahahaha. Yes.

[brokenlovesongs · 9/10 · 5 January 2005]

OK, I'm normally not the kind of guy who thinks bad movies are funny. If I see a movie that is truly terrible, then I may have a couple of laughs, but I will be disappointed overall. That's why I am finding it hard to say, as nearly everybody who has seen the film does, that Elves is a bad movie. I loved it. I don't think that I have ever laughed so hard at a movie in all of my life. Here's a memorable quote. Grizzly Adams, let me repeat, GRIZZLY ADAMS: "Tell me about the connection between the elves and the Nazis." If you find this line at all interesting or humorous then I have to say, SEE ELVES. The story: A Nazi grandfather has selectively inbred to create a girl who, when impregnated by an elf, will create the Nazi 4th Reich: An army of Nazi elves who will take over the world! Yeah, this plot is incredibly stupid, but you have to admit that whoever thought up this idea was a pretty creative individual, and I give him a lot of credit. The movie follows the young girl who is being hunted by a sex crazed elf and Grizzly Adams' character, who is doing everything in his power to try and help the girl. Grizzly is pursued by a group of unknown men who are attempting to stop his hunt for the elf at any cost. This results in an especially gut-busting scene in which we see Grizzly Adams dive roll out of a speeding car right before it explodes. HAHA! I'm laughing right now just thinking about it. Do you want to see a perverted department store Santa killed by a mutant elf who stabs him repeatably in the genitalia? See Elves. The acting is great, and by great a mean absolutely hilarious; it's NOT that bad, it's just really funny. I suppose I am really hyping this movie up. I watched it with a large group of friends who all claimed that the movie was bad, and yet they were laughing just as hard as me through the whole thing. Maybe you will think Elves is a bad movie, but I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it.

A new tradition

[BandSAboutMovies · 7/10 · 20 December 2017]

Sometimes, I watch movies in the middle of the night, after working long shifts of meetings, copywriting and brainstorming. Whatever brains that still exists in the mush and at this late hour are often exposed to sheer lunacy via films that I find on YouTube. When I awaken, my first thought is often, "Was that movie real or a nightmare?"

Elves is one of those films.

Kirsten and her friends innocently take part in an ant-Christmas pagan ritual in the woods, but then she cuts her hand and awakens a demonic elf who ends up being part of a Nazi plot to create the master race that Hitler always dreamed of. Yep, instead of the pure Aryan Nietzsche paradigm, the Fuhrer dreamed of a world where human and elf hybirds would populate the glove.

Through one of those moments of perfect horror movie luck, Kirsten is the last pure Aryan virgin on earth. Nope, this isn't a post apocalpytic film. That's just the way things are these days. Her grandfather was once a part of all of this, but he's since reformed. Oh, he's also her father, because inbreeding was a big part of keeping the bloodline pure.

But hey, Kirsten has no idea that any of this is going on. She's just trying to get through the hell of holiday retail, working in a department store. That's where she meets Mike McGain (Dan Haggarty, TV's Grizzly Adams), an alcoholic homeless ex-cop who takes over for the store's Santa Claus when the original is killed by an evil elf. Yes, I just wrote that sentence, perhaps the most batshit crazy one I've ever assembled in all my years of writing.

Mike starts living in the store, living off of the food he steals from the snack bar where Kirsten works. One night, he saves Kirsten when the Nazis come to the store and kill all of her friends.

Will Kirsten survive? What does her mom think about all of this? Have you ever wanted to see a movie where an elf electrocutes a woman in a bathtub? What the hell is an elfstone anyway? These and several other questions will and won't be answered.

This is a film rich with purely inane and insane dialogue, including a lecherous, cocaine using Santa that states, "Santa said oral!" and our heroine bemoaning that her only friend is a cat. There's also a great scene where Mike goes to see a professor during a holiday dinner and the man describes how elves and Nazis are having this big ritual and incestual sex bloodlines in front of his children.

Geek note: Mike goes to the library and asks what the Dewey Decimal System Number is for the occult. The answer? 666. Nope. The real number would be 130, the code for books on parapsychology and the supernatural.

Is this film any good? No, it's horrible. And I loved it. It's my holiday gift to you and I'm so happy to share such a patently warped film with all of you.

Not to be confused with "good bad".

[merklekranz · 2/10 · 4 June 2021]

Just so you are spared the agony of watching this truly pathetic excuse for a horror film, I will enlighten you about what you are in for. First this is not a "good bad" film. It has very little in the way of amusing dialog. It does have a bunch of "F bombs" that seem totally misplaced. The entire movie seems to have been filmed in dark "Blurryvision", to obscure the rubbery man in a suit elf. That's right one elf, in a film called "Elves." The Nazi , virgin, Christmas Eve, copulation is something that isn't even amusing and after awhile all the nonsense becomes extremely tiresome. Acting is grade Z, including Dan Haggerty. Best scene by far is Deanna Lund's endless dying performance in a bath tub. AVOID. Merk.

Elves?!!? More like Elf

[kolchak25 · 3 September 2001]

Let's face it, with a title like Elves I expected to see, well... elves. This movie should more accurately be called Elf. That's right, there is one, count him, ONE elf. I suppose Elves sounds a little more frightening than Elf, though not much. Picture a hoard of evil elves descending upon you - kind of scary as a large number of them may be able to overpower you or rip your limbs off. Now, picture what we get in the movie, one rubber elf mask permanently frozen with it's mouth open. As Count Floyd used to say, "oooooo, isn't that scary, boys and girls?..... well, isn't it?!"

When I mention the following things all in a movie, it appears that we should have a winner - Dan Haggerty, evil elves, nazi's, teenagers, and Santa. But Elves just doesn't really succeed in converting all that potential into something great or truly horrendous. Granted, there is high entertainment value in hearing Haggerty and the other characters say things like "I want to know the connection between the elves and the nazi's" or "Look man, I'm tellin' you what I saw, god damn it, I'm tellin' you I saw a two foot elf!"

There are really amusing things in the movie, often unintentional, but overall it's a disappointment.

Utter garbage.

[HumanoidOfFlesh · 2/10 · 12 April 2008]

The plot of "Elves" is painfully stupid:after the local department store Santa is stabbed in the crotch by a Nazi elf Dan Haggerty takes the job but soon regrets his decision when he accidentally meets the girl who the elf is chasing.It seems that she's the only virgin in town whose grandfather is also her father and if the elf takes her virginity at midnight on Christmas Eve then their child will be the Antichrist!"Elves" is silly and horrendously bad.Worst of all there is only one elf.However I must admit that I laughed few times during this obnoxious pile of crap.The acting is wooden,the special effects stunk and the lighting is poor.Even the death scenes are bad.2 out of 10.

Elves is a must-see for fans of Christmas horror

[kevin_robbins · 4/10 · 19 December 2023]

I recently watched Elves (1989) on YouTube. The storyline revolves around a young lady with a troubled home who discovers she's at the center of a Nazi master plan to create the master race, somehow involving killer elves. To thwart this diabolical plan, she teams up with an unexpected companion-an unemployed mall Santa.

Directed by Jeffrey Mandel (Turnaround), the film stars Dan Haggerty (Abducted), Deanna Lund (Land of the Giants), Julie Austin (Twisted Justice), Borah Silver (Escape from New York), and Ken Carpenter (Hellraiser III).

This movie proves to be an uneven addition to the horror Christmas genre. While the storyline has a good setup and effectively evokes sympathy for Santa, the claymation and portrayal of elves fall short, lacking believability and impact in the kill scenes. The Nazi angle adds a unique blend of humor and sinister undertones. Dan Haggerty shines as Santa Claus, providing a character that's easy to root for, and Deanna Lund's performance adds smoking allure, particularly in the standout bathtub scene.

In conclusion, Elves is a must-see for fans of Christmas horror, with notable characters and an intriguing, albeit uneven, storyline. I would give it a 4/10 and recommend watching it at least once.

The Vidiot Reviews...

[capone666 · 3/10 · 22 December 2014]

Elves

The favourite holiday song amongst skinheads everywhere has to be White Christmas.

Unfortunately, this horror movie doesn't exactly detail the preferred Christmas carols of The Nazis Party.

When Kirsten's (Julie Austin) blood inadvertently awakens a demented Christmas elf, she engages a decades old Nazis experiment that would see elf and Aryan blood mixed to create a master race.

Hiding out from her Neo-Nazis pursues in a department store, Kirsten receives help from the store's Santa (Dan Haggerty), an ex-cop secretly living in the store.

Now, the only way to stop the Christmas Elf from draining her blood is with the elf-stone, which is in the possession of Kirsten's Nazis grandfather.

A festive pairing of fascism, demonism and commercialism, Elves' is a seasonal treat crammed with ridiculous dialogue, campy special effects and incompetent acting.

Besides, if the Nazis were to combine elf and human blood together they would get Santa Claus.

Red Light

vidiotreviews.blogspot.ca

Elf Mutilation

[NoDakTatum · 1/10 · 7 November 2023]

Kirsten (Julie Austin) has not had a good Christmas. While performing a ritual in the woods against Christmas, she accidentally cuts herself and her blood awakens a long buried elf. Kirsten's mom (Deanna Lund) is a megacrank, for reasons we find out later. Kirsten's grandpapa (Borah Silver) is also evil, for reasons we find out later. Kirsten gets to know the chain smoking department store Santa/recovering alcoholic Mike, haggardly played by Dan Haggerty. Mike is also suspicious of certain creature reports, and he and Kirsten find themselves involved in a murder spree in the department store Mike and Kirsten work at.

Despite the title, there is only one elf in the film. He is ugly as all get-out, but is obviously a very hard-to-maneuver plastic effect, since he never closes his mouth. Haggerty has a cigarette in his mouth in every scene, including a silly gunfight where no one seems to get shot. It took three writers to come up with this story- the film supposedly takes place around Christmas, but the holiday seems to be worked in to the story after the set designer frequented a couple of clearance sales at the mall. One drawback is the fact that this film is very ugly. It is mean. It is not scary, and not fun in a scary way. It is just plain mean. The cast goes through the film never seeing the elf, even though it is two feet high and stands in the middle of everything. I have had less trouble finding my car in a crowded parking lot than these idiots have of finding the stupid elf. "Elves" is bad, and joins the entire "Silent Night, Deadly Night" series in proving that "Black Christmas" is still the scariest Christmas movie ever made. I suggest you skip this one.

Right up there with Troll 2

[jfgibson73 · 3/10 · 21 June 2009]

If you've seen Troll 2, then you already know what kind of an experience you'll have viewing Elves. Both have misleading titles (Elves only has a single elf, Troll 2 has no trolls), ridiculous plots, poor effects, and laughable dialog.

This movie is really only for people who like to laugh at bad performances. It has incest, Nazis, a perverted department store Santa, and Grizzly Adams setting a record for the number of times a character takes the Lord's name in vain. I was entertained. Not at the blasphemy, but everything else.

One other thing you might notice about this one: Whoever wrote this must have some family issues. The little brother is a perv, the mom hates everyone, and the grandfather is an incestuous Nazi. Less fun than even Tony Manero's dinner table.

A little flawed, but acceptable

[kannibalcorpsegrinder · 7/10 · 14 December 2016]

After performing a ceremony in a graveyard, a group of teenage girls find themselves being stalked by a race of elves summoned by a Nazi scientist looking to create a master race by inbreeding one of them with the elves and must find a way to stop it.

This here was quite a decent enough effort. One of the better elements for this one is the fact that there's quite a pronounced and distinctive atmosphere present here that runs throughout this one. Starting with the manner of how they manage to resurrect the creatures in the first place with the chilling cemetery scene in the opening sequence, there's a strong series of suspenseful stalking scenes throughout the first half showing the elves point-of-view scurrying along after their potential victims leading to some decent shots of them close to the ground which makes their creation a little more believable. That leads into the somewhat enjoyable action scenes here with the creature taking out the loner in the break room at the department store, the creature's first attack on the house where it stalks her family members which is written off as a dream and the more action-film centered attack on the friends at the department store which turns into a fine gunfight within the aisleways which is quite a nice feature which helps to make this one quite action-packed and pleasing. Likewise, the final half features quite a lot of enjoyable action here with the race to get away from the creatures and the Nazi agents leading into the solid finale in the woods which is a nice blend of surreal imagery and fantasy-based action that makes for a nice overall time to this and ends this on a fine note. The other good part here is the fact that this one did manage some nice effects work on the creature and the various kills here which aren't quite graphic but has a nice look to them. These here make this one quite fun, although there are a few flaws with this one. The film's biggest issue is the fact that it doesn't really know what it really wants to be as this one really seems to feature quite a scattered overall plot line. The notion of the girls' troubled home-life works nicely, but it doesn't match up to anything that comes later on, the sudden inclusion of the action-film scenario with the department store shootout is completely odd to randomly throw into the film and the utterly bizarre storyline about the occult Nazi experiments is handled with such ludicrous explanations and reasoning that the whole thing feels underwritten and half-baked. Forcing him to go running around to the various authority figures on the subject to get the whole story out makes no sense when it could streamline everything by making one person be the expert or at least have the team gathered together at one spot would've made much more sense beyond the sheer lunacy of the whole situation. The other problem with the film stems from the rather lax and stifling pacing that doesn't really have a lot of action throughout here as there's quite a lot of times featuring nothing of any real interest as it lets the mystery play out here which really keeps the action out of the first half for the most part. These here really hold it back.

Rated PG-13: Graphic Language, Violence, Brief Nudity, drug use and violence-against-animals.

This plastic elf that scoots around and can't close its mouth means business. . .no really, he does

[Voorhies · 10/10 · 12 February 1999]

This is one of the greatest bad horror films I've ever seen, and I've seen plenty. Mr. Grizzly Adams chain smokes in every scene, and the elf creature can barely move (always a great way to achieve that "menacing" ambiance). I ask you, with lines like "Santa said oral," and "You're not a detective anymore, you're Santa," how can you go wrong. My brother-in-law and I laughed through this entire film, and they were belly laughs, believe me. At one point old Grizzly, looking around in the dark for the elf (who is literally right in front of him) is forced to actually look *over* the thing to make the scene believable. At another point, the little brother asks if everything is going to be alright. His big sister replies "No Billy. Gramps is a Nazi." I know you guys must think I'm spoiling the film, but trust me, there's plenty, plenty, plenty more where that came from. For example, the elf tries to dig in the dirt, but because it's basically just a lump of plastic, its hands just sort of brush around in the dirt helplessly. Aliens it ain't, but Elves rocks just the same, and rocks hard. My grade: A

Haggerty delivers again!

[Lukeydude-1 · 8/10 · 24 February 2005]

My title might just be a little misleading. Dan Haggerty is in the film, but he doesn't so much deliver as he does seem lost and alone in a fairly awful movie.

To begin, I'll point out what you've probably learned from every other "Elves" review available: There is only one Elf. Surely, you knew that already, but it simply can't be stressed enough. The fact that the movie's name itself is a lie doesn't bode well for this Christmas caper.

The plot of "Elves" is simple enough: Nazi scientists create a Elf-like super solider capable of dominating the world, though the race can only succeed if our young heroine, Kirsten, is devirginized by one of them. I mean, honestly, this is movie gold, people. Throw Grizzly Adams in the mix and you've got a film as unstoppable as the Elves themselves.

I found out myself that such an assumption is false beyond reckoning. To be sure, a story such as "Elves" is almost impossible to film without being considered a pitiful joke, but the producers should have simply avoided the project rather than drive Dan Haggerty's career even further into Hell. Much of the acting is borderline poor, though Haggerty's presence, as ex-cop Mike Mcgavin, does do something to retrieve the film's crumbling dignity. Fortunately for the cast of humans, the real star of the film, and therefore the most laughable aspect of the movie, is the Elf.

At some point during the creation of the Elves, a Nazi scientist took it upon himself to make the beasts completely and totally useless as fighting machines. It's hard to imagine an Elf even being able to feed himself, and the only way they could succeed is if their victims were either infants, seniors, or suicidal vegetables.

Well, them or anyone appearing in this movie.

You see, the "Elves" cast seems to be uniquely bred for the sole purpose of not being able to defend themselves. An Elf is scarcely two feet tall, unarmed, and almost completely blind. He isn't any faster than the average double-amputee, and has nothing approaching magical powers. It just amazes me that anyone could be killed, even bothered by an Elf.

But that's an appropriate microcosm for this film: If it doesn't really make sense, it doesn't matter, because we're "Elves" and we don't care.

Perhaps the saddest result of "Elves" was the incalculable damage done to Dan Haggerty and his career. He had warmed our hearts as "Grizzly Adams," and done some, well, mediocre work in "Repo Jake." I'm not arguing that he's a talented actor. But his big, graying beard and calm, sedated demeanor don't deserve to be exploited in alley trash like "Elves." Oh, Dan, will you ever recover?

Despite everything this movie has going against it, I had a great time watching it and have made it a habit to view it every couple of weeks. I know that seems confusing, but you have to realize that quality is hardly a prerequisite for enjoyment. I just finished writing another comment for the film "Jack-O," and an underlying theme in these two reviews is that a movie like this will be enjoyed by people like me: those who revel in garbage horror that really seems sincere. I love the genre, and I'd like to think there's others out there with the same agenda.

Check out "Elves." It's a Christmas treat all year round.

"A troll. A raccoon. A ninja gremlin?"

[lost-in-limbo · 25 December 2011]

Not much of a Christmas horror outing, just that it's set around that time. Nonetheless "Elves" (when there really is only one elf) is z-grade, low-brow shot-on-video schlock that surely entertains in its cheap, stagy execution and downright daftness, although surprisingly Dan Haggerty puts in a solid showing (and definitely the best of the performances) as a store department Santa Clause caught up in the madness. What's going on is truly oddball and baffling, but it's a ridiculously fun idea that has Neo-Nazis using the occult in trying to create the perfect soldier and this involves an genetically created Elf (who no way can be considered Santa's little helper) impregnating the chosen virgin on Christmas Eve to create the master race to take over the world. What a way to celebrate Christmas. Nazis, Santa, numerous sexual themes (from perverted to violent), a sour-face blond virgin, crazily neurotic mother (Deanna Lund) and a hideous 2ft elf with murderous impulses. Yeah it's a soap opera of sorts with a poignant cruel streak and laughable dialogues. The creature design looks decent enough, despite the stiff movements and we get moments of blurry elf vision.

"When there's no more room in hell. The elves will walk the earth."

When there is no more room in hell, the elves shall walk the earth.

[Shaza123 · 8/10 · 26 May 2014]

Yes, yes, I know how you're feeling. I shuddered too, when I heard that 'oh so famous' line from this 1989 trash epic. Elves. That's what we're dealing with. Our evil and vicious antagonists are Elves! Not 'Critters', with their awesomely large grins, not 'Trolls' with their unique special effects, not even 'Gremlins' and they look like cuddly little munchkins half the time. No, no, we're dealing with something much more sinister and evil. Santa's little helpers...

So what's it all about then? Well, it centers around a teen called Kirsten. She's not a fan of Christmas. She hates it so much, she and her girlfriends decide to do some anti Christmas ritual at the beginning of the film. In doing so, Kirsten hurts her hand and starts bleeding all over the place. This is important, apparently her blood has the ability to awaken the Elf. Not 'Elves' by the way, there is no plural here. There is only one Elf, the title of this movie is a lie. But I'd still much rather watch Elves, then the Will Ferrell comedy.

Anyway, our second major protagonist, is good old Santa himself, played by Grizzly Adams. And his beard is only more awesome. It's impossible not to admire his beard. Damn, he could give MacReady a run for his money. I don't know what it is about guys who have beards, but they just seem more manly! More guys should wear more beards.

Pardon me I got side tracked, Haggerty plays an ex cop, turned Santa, who plays the father figure, the protector of our dear little Kirsten. And with such an epic beard like that, we know this is someone who is tough. Someone who is manly, someone who might be able to face the evil Elves... oh, I mean Elf.

Okay, so there is much more to the plot, but I'm gonna zip my lips. The whole fun of Elves, is discovering the drama and shenanigans all on your own. What I can tell you, is things get crazy quickly.

Still haven't convinced you to watch this movie yet? Well, lets see if I can change that. For a movie that's meant to be rated PG13, it has full frontal nudity, harsh language, crotch stabbings, attempted elf rape, and a horny Santa Claus.

All that said, this is some low budget B grade stuff. The acting is woeful (apart from Haggerty's), the plot makes no sense (because it doesn't), and the Elf is ridiculous. His mouth is forever open, you can almost picture it drooling.

This is one of those, 'so bad, it's wonderful' movies. Highly recommended for some high quality entertainment.