ZZ Top arrives out in a desert wasteland where some roadies for the band dump a groupie behind. She's determined to encounter the mythical creature El Chupacabra to prove a point. Stripping down to her khaki undergarments proves that her skin tone and material color are poor contrasts. No sooner does she encounter a dark shadow warrior intent on slicing her up with a samurai sword. I only say shadow warrior because it's so damn dark. I can't even make out what the raving lunatic looks like. Can we get some lighting on set, please?
Randy Jones from the Village People discovers the exiled groupie member, and as it's his Christian duty to do the right thing, he buries her on the outskirts of Salt Lake in an unmarked, shallow grave and steals her pocket money.
Two five-year-olds arrive on set while Randy Jones observes them from afar with a keen eye. Little are they aware that he's registered on file as some sort of fiend with a checkered past that requires round-the-clock surveillance.
Filming amateur kids in a movie reminds me of 'Manos: Hands of Fate,' where the director filmed that kid and her dog contributing jack squat to the storyline.
A little house on the prairie continues to attract complete strangers to it like a magnet. Not many are aware that it has a murderous past and is heritage-listed as being a house of death.
Some chick from the 60s warps her way into the movie sporting FMB galoshes and encounters the two amateur wasteland rug rats who are suddenly intimidated by Randy Jones, who's part of that whole 'Point Break' rubber people clique.
Anyone knows that the only thing out here capable of killing twits would be wild coyotes or rattlers, not some dirtbag dressed up year-round as a Halloween ninja.
At every turn, Randy Jones from the Village People suffocates the movie. He's like a caveman who never leaves base.
Not heeding Randy Jones' advice, an Asian tourist is drawn to the magnetic blood shack and becomes another statistic of the ninja and its sword.
Between this dreary Clark Gable music and the Looney Tunes, I have no idea how it builds any suspense for horror, and I expect Wild E. Coyote to step out any minute now.
Once again, the director chooses to go with 'Manos: Hands of Fate" filler by using this girly/dog business.
This movie's a time warp from a forgotten era. It's the movie that time forgot.
The ninja strikes again with a rooftop assault and takes on the law. He fought the law, but the law didn't win this time. He didn't shoot the sheriff either, but slashed and stabbed him with the samurai sword.
Hold it. Some flesh is being pressed in an after-shower scene. Do we get to see it? Do we get to see it? Sadly no.
But we get to see Randy Jones rocking Bon Jovi hot jeans and a swanky midriff blouse, which exposes his rubber people abs minus his cowboy hat.
A dustup livens up what is a rather mundane affair and pits the Village People cowboy with the washboard abs against who is that? Crazy Ralph? It's pretty even so far as they trade blows tit-for-tat.
It's times like this that you need Little Joe on set to show them how it's done with his mean left hook to set things straight. Many a dude lost their marbles to Willy Nelson's blade, but thousands more did against Little Joe's left hook. Going to the score cards, I'm going to give Crazy Ralph a slender one-point victory.
Not only are the girly/dog 'Manos: Hands of Fate' scenes filler, so too is this rodeo bull torment. This crap belongs in Luke Perry's '8 Seconds.' Is that wrangler trying to break the poor cow's neck? This is bordering on personal home and family footage that the director has filmed.
Without explanation, the ninja turns on Randy Jones even after he pledged loyalty and a lifetime's subscription to his teachings.
What was that other movie filmed up in Wisconsin about a samurai warrior who glowed in the countryside? I can't remember what it was called. That was equally as bad, but the dressed deer scene at the start was boss.
The ninja goes after sexy boots at the end, but Randy Jones raises from the dead for round two with the ninja and strikes back, fatally stabbing him with his own weapon. He fell on his own sword. The Halloween ninja unmasks himself as some sort of consolation reveal, and it's just Crazy Ralph.
I thought it was Ritchie from 'IT.'
How many awards was this masterpiece nominated for?
Randy Jones from the Village People discovers the exiled groupie member, and as it's his Christian duty to do the right thing, he buries her on the outskirts of Salt Lake in an unmarked, shallow grave and steals her pocket money.
Two five-year-olds arrive on set while Randy Jones observes them from afar with a keen eye. Little are they aware that he's registered on file as some sort of fiend with a checkered past that requires round-the-clock surveillance.
Filming amateur kids in a movie reminds me of 'Manos: Hands of Fate,' where the director filmed that kid and her dog contributing jack squat to the storyline.
A little house on the prairie continues to attract complete strangers to it like a magnet. Not many are aware that it has a murderous past and is heritage-listed as being a house of death.
Some chick from the 60s warps her way into the movie sporting FMB galoshes and encounters the two amateur wasteland rug rats who are suddenly intimidated by Randy Jones, who's part of that whole 'Point Break' rubber people clique.
Anyone knows that the only thing out here capable of killing twits would be wild coyotes or rattlers, not some dirtbag dressed up year-round as a Halloween ninja.
At every turn, Randy Jones from the Village People suffocates the movie. He's like a caveman who never leaves base.
Not heeding Randy Jones' advice, an Asian tourist is drawn to the magnetic blood shack and becomes another statistic of the ninja and its sword.
Between this dreary Clark Gable music and the Looney Tunes, I have no idea how it builds any suspense for horror, and I expect Wild E. Coyote to step out any minute now.
Once again, the director chooses to go with 'Manos: Hands of Fate" filler by using this girly/dog business.
This movie's a time warp from a forgotten era. It's the movie that time forgot.
The ninja strikes again with a rooftop assault and takes on the law. He fought the law, but the law didn't win this time. He didn't shoot the sheriff either, but slashed and stabbed him with the samurai sword.
Hold it. Some flesh is being pressed in an after-shower scene. Do we get to see it? Do we get to see it? Sadly no.
But we get to see Randy Jones rocking Bon Jovi hot jeans and a swanky midriff blouse, which exposes his rubber people abs minus his cowboy hat.
A dustup livens up what is a rather mundane affair and pits the Village People cowboy with the washboard abs against who is that? Crazy Ralph? It's pretty even so far as they trade blows tit-for-tat.
It's times like this that you need Little Joe on set to show them how it's done with his mean left hook to set things straight. Many a dude lost their marbles to Willy Nelson's blade, but thousands more did against Little Joe's left hook. Going to the score cards, I'm going to give Crazy Ralph a slender one-point victory.
Not only are the girly/dog 'Manos: Hands of Fate' scenes filler, so too is this rodeo bull torment. This crap belongs in Luke Perry's '8 Seconds.' Is that wrangler trying to break the poor cow's neck? This is bordering on personal home and family footage that the director has filmed.
Without explanation, the ninja turns on Randy Jones even after he pledged loyalty and a lifetime's subscription to his teachings.
What was that other movie filmed up in Wisconsin about a samurai warrior who glowed in the countryside? I can't remember what it was called. That was equally as bad, but the dressed deer scene at the start was boss.
The ninja goes after sexy boots at the end, but Randy Jones raises from the dead for round two with the ninja and strikes back, fatally stabbing him with his own weapon. He fell on his own sword. The Halloween ninja unmasks himself as some sort of consolation reveal, and it's just Crazy Ralph.
I thought it was Ritchie from 'IT.'
How many awards was this masterpiece nominated for?