Teen Vamp (1989)
2/10
An extremely weak horror/comedy.
30 November 2018
'50s high-school loser Murphy (Beau Bishop) plucks up the courage to ask cute blonde Conny (Angie Brown) for a date, but is bluntly turned down. Instead, he pays a visit to a local whorehouse where he hooks up with a leggy brunette who turns out to be a vampire looking for virgin blood. Having been bitten, Murphy transforms into a cocky, leather-jacketed bloodsucking hotshot who is strong enough to deal with jock bully Bucky (Evans Dietz) and cool enough to attract the attention of the once unattainable Conny.

No doubt inspired by the success of Teen Wolf, as well as teen-friendly vampire films Vamp, Fright Night and The Lost Boys, this low-budget horror/comedy fails on every level: it's not scary, it's not funny, the central character is unlikable, the love interest is a psychotic cat killer, and the plot is all over the place, even throwing some ghosts into the mix. There's little gore, and the only nudity on display comes from Bucky: a lingering shot of him from behind in the shower, and an extreme close up of his bare ass (making the film perfect for a double-bill with that queer horror classic A Nightmare On Elm Street 2).

After lots of quite frankly plain embarrassing silliness (Clu Gulager, what were you thinking?), the movie closes on a happy note, with everyone who was turned into a vampire reverting to normality when the hooker vamp is killed (all except for Conny, who is presumably still a nutjob). About the only good thing in the whole movie is the simple but effective look of the vampires: contact lenses and fangs and a bit of slap to make them look pale.
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