I've said it before and I'll say it again - if a movie features actors solemnly turning away from each other to stare into the middle distance while spewing gibberish dialogue, it is more than likely a bona fide bowser.
It works in Shakespeare because actors are speaking poetry, and as long as you halfways understand what they are trying to say, it's powerful and moving. But when Hollywood hacks try it, with lines written by other Hollywood hacks, it comes across as self-important tripe.
On top of that, if instead of seasoned thespains you have pretty boys like Roger Moore, you're in trouble. Pile on the marquee with Inert Carbon Rods like Lana Turner and your move veers dangerously from bad to farce.
The low point comes about 45 minutes in when they've got some Hollywood Blvd teen staring into a crytal ball and making bold predictions. It looks like they didn't even bother rustling up a costume for the kid, just dragged him right off the stroll.
This is an epic. As in epically bad.
Review of Diane
