The Roller Blade Seven is a bizarre creature, it's a truly terrible film with awful production values yet features a host of famous names.
Set in a post apocalyptic world much alike the Mad Max (1979) universe, except there are ninjas, religion and everyone wears roller blades for some reason.
With audio that often sounds like it was recorded through a sponge, the same segments repeated, fight scenes that make Jerry Springers look like it's well choreographed and a story that makes no sense at all.
It's one of those films that has to be seen to be believed yet you don't want to put anyone through a film quite this terrible.
I award it 2 not 1 purely on the basis of novelty value but make no mistake it's the absolute pits.
The Good:
Nope!
The Bad:
Laughable soundtrack that doesn't even remotely fit the content
Awful audio quality
Embarrassing fight scenes
Cringe inducing camera work
Scenes repeated several times
We really don't need to know each actors name as they appear on screen
Things I Learnt From This Movie:
It is a reverends job to distribute samurai swords and see that people skate the path of righteousness
Even in a post apocalyptic world religious garments look ridiculous
Our hero is so anti-mainstream expectations that in a Jacuzzi with your standard bikini glad girls he keeps his clothes on and kisses them like you'd kiss your mother
Wearing shades during the night STILL makes you look like a douche
Joe Estevez is the lesser known brother for a reason
Frank Stallone is the lesser brother for a reason as well
So roller skate ninjas are a thing
Being hacked to pieces with axes will result in no wounds and no blood
Set in a post apocalyptic world much alike the Mad Max (1979) universe, except there are ninjas, religion and everyone wears roller blades for some reason.
With audio that often sounds like it was recorded through a sponge, the same segments repeated, fight scenes that make Jerry Springers look like it's well choreographed and a story that makes no sense at all.
It's one of those films that has to be seen to be believed yet you don't want to put anyone through a film quite this terrible.
I award it 2 not 1 purely on the basis of novelty value but make no mistake it's the absolute pits.
The Good:
Nope!
The Bad:
Laughable soundtrack that doesn't even remotely fit the content
Awful audio quality
Embarrassing fight scenes
Cringe inducing camera work
Scenes repeated several times
We really don't need to know each actors name as they appear on screen
Things I Learnt From This Movie:
It is a reverends job to distribute samurai swords and see that people skate the path of righteousness
Even in a post apocalyptic world religious garments look ridiculous
Our hero is so anti-mainstream expectations that in a Jacuzzi with your standard bikini glad girls he keeps his clothes on and kisses them like you'd kiss your mother
Wearing shades during the night STILL makes you look like a douche
Joe Estevez is the lesser known brother for a reason
Frank Stallone is the lesser brother for a reason as well
So roller skate ninjas are a thing
Being hacked to pieces with axes will result in no wounds and no blood