Full disclosure, horror is my favorite movie genre (save for the sub-genre of "found footage" flicks, not paying money to watch a movie that follows people around with a shaky cam for 90 minutes). But I'm a sucker for the "cabin in the woods' trope. CABIN FEVER (2016) had all the elements I was looking for, 5 college aged/ young adult characters, the main couple Karen and Paul (Gage Golightly and Samuel Davis), the secondary "sex" couple Marcy and Jeff (Nadine Crocker and Matthew Daddario), and the finally the nerdy loner Bert (Dustin Ingram), all heading for a weekend retreat at a remote cabin by a lake, replete with oddball locals and shrouded in mystery. What could go wrong? EVERYTHING!
This movie was horrible from the start. Every single character was annoying and stupid. Some weird local kid inexplicably bites into Paul's arm, then the kid's Dad scolds him for it while Paul attacks the DAD. And the Dad actor was literally smiling during his entire "performance", although there was nothing humorous about the situation. When they get to the cabin, Bert wanders around with a loaded assault rifle and almost shoots Paul and actually shoots some random local with a weird flesh-eating disease (the plot of the movie). Then instead of trying to get help, Bert IGNORES the incident and goes back to the cabin as if nothing happened. Flesh-eating dude shows up at the group's door, then in a Keystone Cops style scene, the group goes from trying to help the poor man to burning him alive, along the way allowing him to get inside and mess up their vehicle (dummies left it unlocked even though they were in for the night) spitting up blood all over the interior, while Bert (idiot shoots out a tire) and Paul (breaks all the windows) end up damaging the outside in attempts to kill the man, but he gets away burning alive. Exactly how long does it take for this "fast acting" virus to do a person in?
Next morning, going for help, Marcy takes a canoe across the lake while in the time it takes her to get across, Bert and Jeff have covered that distance by foot, encountered an odd local, obscenity-spewing obese woman gutting a pig and had time to have a blood-spattered glass of water, then ended up at the same spot as Marcy. Did I mention that they left the cabin AT THE SAME TIME?! Meanwhile some bleach-blonde bimbo deputy sheriff lady, who looks like one of Charlie's Angels, and is supposed to be funny, yet I was laughing at how bad the actress' acting was the whole time, hits on Paul at the cabin while Karen basically just sits in the cabin doing nothing.
Speaking of acting, the 5 main actors were not good, but had the excuse of an awful script and horrendous direction. Apparently, they were told to play it serious, while every single other character they encountered was played for laughs. Then I found out this movie was actually a remake of a movie made a mere 14 years earlier that WAS a legitimate comedy-horror vehicle and is regarded as a cult classic. First, why remake a movie that is not that old? Second, why change the tone so that half the cast thinks they are in a drama while the other thinks they are in a comedy? Why not change it to be a serious horror flick? It was like watching 2 completely different tonal movies mashed together into this odd, awkward presentation.
Did I mention that every character was stupid? Thought I'd re-visit that important detail. You are in the woods with a flesh-eating virus that's eating your girlfriend away, so what do you do? Go to town to get a doctor? Radio for help? Well, you have sex with your friend's incredibly hot partner that hasn't yet been infected by the disease because she's there strictly for viewer titillation purposes. You've got an assault rifle in a backwoods location with wild animals and crazy locals and what do you do? Save the ammo when needed? No, you waste every single round randomly shooting throughout the woods and when you really NEED it, of course it runs out of ammo. A guy is completely covered in blood shows up at your camp while word has spread there's some flesh-eating virus infecting everyone and he is viciously coming at you while you are pointing your gun at him and warning him off. What do you do? Shoot him? Shoot warning shots? No, you cave into his angry demands to lower your weapon and let him walk away to possibly infect some innocent person. Did I mention that the idiot that willingly let him get away was the DEPUTY SHERIFF? Sworn to protect and serve my ass.
I've seen some bad horror movies in my day, but this movie makes a few of the stinkers I've seen seem like competent films by comparison. This is easily one of the worst movies that I'm supposed to take seriously that I've sat through in a while. And it's not even one of those "so bad it's good" horror movies, just a "so bad it's terrible" movie. Skip this joke of a film.
This movie was horrible from the start. Every single character was annoying and stupid. Some weird local kid inexplicably bites into Paul's arm, then the kid's Dad scolds him for it while Paul attacks the DAD. And the Dad actor was literally smiling during his entire "performance", although there was nothing humorous about the situation. When they get to the cabin, Bert wanders around with a loaded assault rifle and almost shoots Paul and actually shoots some random local with a weird flesh-eating disease (the plot of the movie). Then instead of trying to get help, Bert IGNORES the incident and goes back to the cabin as if nothing happened. Flesh-eating dude shows up at the group's door, then in a Keystone Cops style scene, the group goes from trying to help the poor man to burning him alive, along the way allowing him to get inside and mess up their vehicle (dummies left it unlocked even though they were in for the night) spitting up blood all over the interior, while Bert (idiot shoots out a tire) and Paul (breaks all the windows) end up damaging the outside in attempts to kill the man, but he gets away burning alive. Exactly how long does it take for this "fast acting" virus to do a person in?
Next morning, going for help, Marcy takes a canoe across the lake while in the time it takes her to get across, Bert and Jeff have covered that distance by foot, encountered an odd local, obscenity-spewing obese woman gutting a pig and had time to have a blood-spattered glass of water, then ended up at the same spot as Marcy. Did I mention that they left the cabin AT THE SAME TIME?! Meanwhile some bleach-blonde bimbo deputy sheriff lady, who looks like one of Charlie's Angels, and is supposed to be funny, yet I was laughing at how bad the actress' acting was the whole time, hits on Paul at the cabin while Karen basically just sits in the cabin doing nothing.
Speaking of acting, the 5 main actors were not good, but had the excuse of an awful script and horrendous direction. Apparently, they were told to play it serious, while every single other character they encountered was played for laughs. Then I found out this movie was actually a remake of a movie made a mere 14 years earlier that WAS a legitimate comedy-horror vehicle and is regarded as a cult classic. First, why remake a movie that is not that old? Second, why change the tone so that half the cast thinks they are in a drama while the other thinks they are in a comedy? Why not change it to be a serious horror flick? It was like watching 2 completely different tonal movies mashed together into this odd, awkward presentation.
Did I mention that every character was stupid? Thought I'd re-visit that important detail. You are in the woods with a flesh-eating virus that's eating your girlfriend away, so what do you do? Go to town to get a doctor? Radio for help? Well, you have sex with your friend's incredibly hot partner that hasn't yet been infected by the disease because she's there strictly for viewer titillation purposes. You've got an assault rifle in a backwoods location with wild animals and crazy locals and what do you do? Save the ammo when needed? No, you waste every single round randomly shooting throughout the woods and when you really NEED it, of course it runs out of ammo. A guy is completely covered in blood shows up at your camp while word has spread there's some flesh-eating virus infecting everyone and he is viciously coming at you while you are pointing your gun at him and warning him off. What do you do? Shoot him? Shoot warning shots? No, you cave into his angry demands to lower your weapon and let him walk away to possibly infect some innocent person. Did I mention that the idiot that willingly let him get away was the DEPUTY SHERIFF? Sworn to protect and serve my ass.
I've seen some bad horror movies in my day, but this movie makes a few of the stinkers I've seen seem like competent films by comparison. This is easily one of the worst movies that I'm supposed to take seriously that I've sat through in a while. And it's not even one of those "so bad it's good" horror movies, just a "so bad it's terrible" movie. Skip this joke of a film.