Do yourself a favour - just read the spoilers and don't waste your time on this film...
I've always searched for a reason as to why I'm afflicted by male pattern baldness. At first I thought it was having to work with the public for years, and then I put it down to the polluted air in Glasgow or maybe the far fetched idea that it was hereditary. Now I think I've found the answer: I'm going bald due to having to sit through crap like this for years on end in pursuit of a decent horror picture.
First off, we have a setting that most of us can relate to: an upper class private school in England. As everyone knows most of the population of Britain attends these types of school, although the one I went to must have been needing a bit of an overhaul as there was a fight every five minutes, all the girls were pregnant, and when we finished school the teachers took us outside, beat the crap out of us and told us never to come back.
Moron McScream (Custardpants McGhee) turns up traumatised after some ordeal and phones 911 (in Britain!) and screams down the phone. Turns out she's been trapped in a disused bunker with three of her mates and SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED. It's up to a psychologist to find out what's happened while the police do crosswords. So it's a kind of backstory type film we're dealing with here.
Y'see Moron has a crush on Chugnut(played by James Dogsdober), an American Tom Cruise lookalike who we immediately hate. However, Chugnut isn't interested in her, and would prefer to hang around with his best mate Tamponboy(Dangleberry Skidmark, who looks exactly like the kind of person who would attend this kind of school - he's posh, skinny, blonde, goofy, and looks like a relation to the Philips family). Somehow Keira Skinnyposh is involved in this somehow somehow somehow too, but I need not go into details or anything.
It's up to DJ Jazzmag to sort out a little party in a bunker somewhere near the school that he's inexplicably found. Once inside, he locks them in and they panic and then after three days he let's them out again - or does he? Because there's three bodies down there, and even though Moron has just told the psychologist that they were let out, she's lying. However, the psychologist doesn't say anything because that would affect the plot. In the meantime DJ Jazzmag is arrested and does his best to ensure that the audience will destroy their televisions rather than sit through anymore of this contrived rubbish.
In between screaming in a really annoying voice he says that Moron and Skinnyposh were pure slags man and that they all went down there to get stoned and fornicate and pick their noses and no one believes him. Thankfully I think I blacked out at some point because DJ Jazzmag turns up at Moron's house and all of a sudden the psychologist and Moron are back in the bunker and Moron is confessing everything FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
She wanted to get into Chugnut's pants when they were all wasted but Tamponboy and Chugnut both went for Skinnyposh so naturally Moron goes radge and locks everyone in until she and Chugnut are in love. By this time Skinnyposh has died of Bolemia or something and Chugnut has killed Tamponboy for hiding coca-cola. When Chugnut finds out that Moron has had a key all along he goes and gets himself killed accidentally but Moron thinks that's okay because now he can't do the dirty on her.
Naturally Moron changes her tune when the cops turn up and says that the psychologist was going to hurt her. Why confess anyway...then? Why do anything? Why do the cops believe everything she says? Why was there only two killings? Where's the slaughter promised in the trailer? Who is this film aiming for anyway? Absolute rubbish. Utter crap. Mince. Puke. Garbage. No gore, no suspense, a twist people can see a mile off. Even what I suppose would be the target audience (teenagers with no social life) would be put off by this.
I've always searched for a reason as to why I'm afflicted by male pattern baldness. At first I thought it was having to work with the public for years, and then I put it down to the polluted air in Glasgow or maybe the far fetched idea that it was hereditary. Now I think I've found the answer: I'm going bald due to having to sit through crap like this for years on end in pursuit of a decent horror picture.
First off, we have a setting that most of us can relate to: an upper class private school in England. As everyone knows most of the population of Britain attends these types of school, although the one I went to must have been needing a bit of an overhaul as there was a fight every five minutes, all the girls were pregnant, and when we finished school the teachers took us outside, beat the crap out of us and told us never to come back.
Moron McScream (Custardpants McGhee) turns up traumatised after some ordeal and phones 911 (in Britain!) and screams down the phone. Turns out she's been trapped in a disused bunker with three of her mates and SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED. It's up to a psychologist to find out what's happened while the police do crosswords. So it's a kind of backstory type film we're dealing with here.
Y'see Moron has a crush on Chugnut(played by James Dogsdober), an American Tom Cruise lookalike who we immediately hate. However, Chugnut isn't interested in her, and would prefer to hang around with his best mate Tamponboy(Dangleberry Skidmark, who looks exactly like the kind of person who would attend this kind of school - he's posh, skinny, blonde, goofy, and looks like a relation to the Philips family). Somehow Keira Skinnyposh is involved in this somehow somehow somehow too, but I need not go into details or anything.
It's up to DJ Jazzmag to sort out a little party in a bunker somewhere near the school that he's inexplicably found. Once inside, he locks them in and they panic and then after three days he let's them out again - or does he? Because there's three bodies down there, and even though Moron has just told the psychologist that they were let out, she's lying. However, the psychologist doesn't say anything because that would affect the plot. In the meantime DJ Jazzmag is arrested and does his best to ensure that the audience will destroy their televisions rather than sit through anymore of this contrived rubbish.
In between screaming in a really annoying voice he says that Moron and Skinnyposh were pure slags man and that they all went down there to get stoned and fornicate and pick their noses and no one believes him. Thankfully I think I blacked out at some point because DJ Jazzmag turns up at Moron's house and all of a sudden the psychologist and Moron are back in the bunker and Moron is confessing everything FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
She wanted to get into Chugnut's pants when they were all wasted but Tamponboy and Chugnut both went for Skinnyposh so naturally Moron goes radge and locks everyone in until she and Chugnut are in love. By this time Skinnyposh has died of Bolemia or something and Chugnut has killed Tamponboy for hiding coca-cola. When Chugnut finds out that Moron has had a key all along he goes and gets himself killed accidentally but Moron thinks that's okay because now he can't do the dirty on her.
Naturally Moron changes her tune when the cops turn up and says that the psychologist was going to hurt her. Why confess anyway...then? Why do anything? Why do the cops believe everything she says? Why was there only two killings? Where's the slaughter promised in the trailer? Who is this film aiming for anyway? Absolute rubbish. Utter crap. Mince. Puke. Garbage. No gore, no suspense, a twist people can see a mile off. Even what I suppose would be the target audience (teenagers with no social life) would be put off by this.