Ninja Assassin - In a continuing train of movie plots that take far longer than they should, an ancient clan of ninja offer their services as killers to whomever pays them 100 pounds of gold. I really shouldn't mention this, as it's a premise only mentioned in the film. There's absolutely no mentioned reason stated for why the ninjas go after the targets that they do but they have chosen to go after a Europol agent (Naomie Harris, thoroughly wasted) is beyond me. But rogue ninja Raizo (Rain, who's sort of like Seal what with no last name) is there to the rescue because his girl ninja was killed. Raizo carves his way through his brother ninjas to kill the master ninja.
If that sounded dumb, trust me. It's actually much dumber on screen. The really short version of this film is a poorly rendered CGI shruiken going through a leg and creating a geyser of blood. The ol' IQ takes a beating every time the word ninja is spoken. I know they actually exist, but this film makes a mockery of everything ninjitsu stands for. Make no mistake, this is bad cinema. It's not so-good-it's bad. This is just so bad any-amount-of-money-spent-is-too-much bad. I thought we were past this sh!t in the 80's with the Cannon Group Inc. (Cobra, American Ninja) but someone thought those days deserved an homage. That and director James McTeigue (V for Vendetta...boy does that hurt to write) watched a lot of animes and clearly missed the point of them. This cannot be the legacy of Ninja Scroll, an infinitely better way to spend two hours.
Everyone enjoys cartoons, but no one wants to see a bad cartoon come to life. And that's what Ninja Assassin is. Cartoonishly stiff dialogue. Ridiculous geysers of blood. Incomprehensible action and story. Poor characterization. Awful CGI. And an utter lack of interesting imagery. All of this and two hours = boredom. I could have put more effort into this review but for a film like this, why bother? I recall a similar experience last year with the hokey Punisher: War Zone. That film had an amateur writer and director. This film had a seasoned action director and a re-write by J. Michael Stracynski (of the amazing series Babylon 5). There's no excuse. Ben Miles's character says a variation of the same line at least four times. Rain says the same line several dozen times. And everyone won't stop talking about their hearts. The Wachowski siblings (producers) are earning themselves a reputation almost as dismal as M. Night Shyamalan.
D-
If that sounded dumb, trust me. It's actually much dumber on screen. The really short version of this film is a poorly rendered CGI shruiken going through a leg and creating a geyser of blood. The ol' IQ takes a beating every time the word ninja is spoken. I know they actually exist, but this film makes a mockery of everything ninjitsu stands for. Make no mistake, this is bad cinema. It's not so-good-it's bad. This is just so bad any-amount-of-money-spent-is-too-much bad. I thought we were past this sh!t in the 80's with the Cannon Group Inc. (Cobra, American Ninja) but someone thought those days deserved an homage. That and director James McTeigue (V for Vendetta...boy does that hurt to write) watched a lot of animes and clearly missed the point of them. This cannot be the legacy of Ninja Scroll, an infinitely better way to spend two hours.
Everyone enjoys cartoons, but no one wants to see a bad cartoon come to life. And that's what Ninja Assassin is. Cartoonishly stiff dialogue. Ridiculous geysers of blood. Incomprehensible action and story. Poor characterization. Awful CGI. And an utter lack of interesting imagery. All of this and two hours = boredom. I could have put more effort into this review but for a film like this, why bother? I recall a similar experience last year with the hokey Punisher: War Zone. That film had an amateur writer and director. This film had a seasoned action director and a re-write by J. Michael Stracynski (of the amazing series Babylon 5). There's no excuse. Ben Miles's character says a variation of the same line at least four times. Rain says the same line several dozen times. And everyone won't stop talking about their hearts. The Wachowski siblings (producers) are earning themselves a reputation almost as dismal as M. Night Shyamalan.
D-