Having recently been hospitalized, I came out to take my son to the movies. My innocent 6 year old son thought this movie looked funny, so I said OK and bought the tickets - THINKING WE WERE GOING TO SEE A CARTOON OR CG FILM.
What I witnessed over the next 55 minutes was the equivalent to pornography for the stupid. It wasn't funny. It wasn't cute. It wasn't clever. It was brutal. It was pathetic. It was drivel.
My son found several scenes quite funny, but mostly sat in silence as we watched this disgusting vomit fest unfold before our eyes. Bored and nearly comatose, I sat back in the chair pondering the least painful way to gauge my eyes out with the tools I had at hand...soda straw, car keys, fingers...
The "plot"...oh God to even call it such a thing is to completely mislead you....became more asinine with each ticking second. First, rich spoiled chihuahua with an owner I found myself genuinely hating with all the red fiery anger of Hell gets a babysitter (some woman who rapidly became the only reason I even occasionally glanced at the screen). Next the somehow wind up in Mexico or something because at one point, the spoiled rat dog wound up in a cage preparing to fight a Doberman or something. All I know is that I was FERVENTLY praying to God, Allah, Zeus, Buddha, Johnny Carson and anyone else who could hear me to PLEASE let the Doberman shred that dog like a steak. To my complete and total disappointment, that did not happen. And so the "plot"...oh there's that word again.....progressed and at some point the skank rat wound up at an aztec temple filled with rat dog chihuahuas. Meanwhile being hunted by the Doberman, who I rooted for like I rooted for the Red Sox when they put it to the Yankees.
Finally, I stood up and proclaimed "Dammit son, we must escape!" and with my son over my shoulder, I fled the premises.
Leaving the movie early allowed me to make up my own ending. One which involved heavy amounts of gratuitous violence against practically every character I saw on the screen....perhaps Tarantino stepped in at the last second and gave that film a nice swift kick where it needed to be kicked.......
But what I saw damaged me. I'll never be the same. I cry...I don't know why. I want to lash out and yell at my friends.....I have no clue as to why. Last night I found myself curled in a ball weeping uncontrollably.....
I lost my innocence that night. I lost my will to live. I lost my faith in the decency of human kind. I lost my 16 dollars on tickets to that crapfest.
In summary, I honestly hope that all parties responsible for this trainwreck have to answer for their atrocities in Hell.
What I witnessed over the next 55 minutes was the equivalent to pornography for the stupid. It wasn't funny. It wasn't cute. It wasn't clever. It was brutal. It was pathetic. It was drivel.
My son found several scenes quite funny, but mostly sat in silence as we watched this disgusting vomit fest unfold before our eyes. Bored and nearly comatose, I sat back in the chair pondering the least painful way to gauge my eyes out with the tools I had at hand...soda straw, car keys, fingers...
The "plot"...oh God to even call it such a thing is to completely mislead you....became more asinine with each ticking second. First, rich spoiled chihuahua with an owner I found myself genuinely hating with all the red fiery anger of Hell gets a babysitter (some woman who rapidly became the only reason I even occasionally glanced at the screen). Next the somehow wind up in Mexico or something because at one point, the spoiled rat dog wound up in a cage preparing to fight a Doberman or something. All I know is that I was FERVENTLY praying to God, Allah, Zeus, Buddha, Johnny Carson and anyone else who could hear me to PLEASE let the Doberman shred that dog like a steak. To my complete and total disappointment, that did not happen. And so the "plot"...oh there's that word again.....progressed and at some point the skank rat wound up at an aztec temple filled with rat dog chihuahuas. Meanwhile being hunted by the Doberman, who I rooted for like I rooted for the Red Sox when they put it to the Yankees.
Finally, I stood up and proclaimed "Dammit son, we must escape!" and with my son over my shoulder, I fled the premises.
Leaving the movie early allowed me to make up my own ending. One which involved heavy amounts of gratuitous violence against practically every character I saw on the screen....perhaps Tarantino stepped in at the last second and gave that film a nice swift kick where it needed to be kicked.......
But what I saw damaged me. I'll never be the same. I cry...I don't know why. I want to lash out and yell at my friends.....I have no clue as to why. Last night I found myself curled in a ball weeping uncontrollably.....
I lost my innocence that night. I lost my will to live. I lost my faith in the decency of human kind. I lost my 16 dollars on tickets to that crapfest.
In summary, I honestly hope that all parties responsible for this trainwreck have to answer for their atrocities in Hell.