Darkroom (1989)
Lackadaisical offering from Nico Mastorakis
20 February 2004
Dark Room was produced by Nico Mastorakis who himself has directed a number of underground genre pieces. His credits include Island of death, Edge of terror and the stalk and slash themed thriller Blind Date. This obscure late eighties effort generally keeps its roots in the murder-mystery sub-category that Mastorakis is so fond of working with. It includes enough of the typical clichés to make it one of those slasher/thrillers that were commonplace throughout the decade, although the cover description would lead you to believe that it's ‘a tale of sexual repression and revenge.'(!)

Janet (Jill Pierce) is an attractive teen that's returning home to her family farm after a long stay with her outrageously mulleted boyfriend Steve (Jeffrey Alan Arbaugh). She's picked a bad time to come back, because an unseen someone has just murdered a cheery blonde and her husband with an axe, only a few miles away. The killer watched his victims through a camera before hacking them up and then taking photos of their bloodied corpses as they lay lifeless on the floor. When Janet arrives we get to meet the rest of the Templeton family that consists of a whole heap of likely suspects or would-be-psychopaths. Firstly there's Steve the boyfriend (mullet), who's a professional photographer by trade and makes strange disappearances every time someone gets killed. Mark (Allen Leiberman) is Janet's cousin who apparently ‘… wanders of all the time and disappears for hours on end.' His brother Perry (Aarin Teich) seems a little mysterious and likes to keep quiet. Paula's (Abigail Lenz) apparently gone missing, whilst her boyfriend George (Timothy Hicks) ‘was always a little on the wild side.' Grandpa (John O' Connor) takes an incriminating runner every time the Sheriff stops to talk to him, and their mother Nora (Stella Kastner) seems to be a little too tense for my liking! Cindy (Sara Lee Wade) is the cute and cheeky blonde younger sister that's hardly mass-murderer material but says, very saucily, that she would ‘… like to help Steve find his fishing pole!' Hmmm, sounds like trouble! After they all share dinner, Janet takes a shower (well someone would have to) stripping completely naked with only a thin window net to cover her modesty. With timing that train passengers would kill for, up pops the psycho photographer, brashly leaning a ladder against the porch so he can climb up and get some snaps of the soap splashed teen in all her glory. He then proceeds to get in the house and open her suitcase, before playing touchy-feely with her underwear (luckily he refrained from sniffing them!) The next day, relatives' start getting murdered by the mystery cameraman who seems to have his eyes (or lenses) on Janet, which means that she must be the true object of his insanity…

Dark Room is one of the ever-increasing numbers of yawn-inducing whodunits that have very little - if anything – to redeem taking the time to watch them. The basic problem is that Terrence O'Hara has spent so much time trying to make an intriguing mystery that he's forgotten the fundamental elements that are necessary to make a good film - Structure and pace, and this doesn't have either. The puzzle may have rated this higher if the killer wasn't clearly shown on the front cover, which pretty much ruins any point in seeing this at all. Woeful amateur porn-star acting didn't help matters and the only character with any charisma was the charming little Cindy. Her cheeky flirtatious persona was rather appealing, she was at least a lot better than the bimbo left to battle the killer who lacked any allurement whatsoever.

You've got more chance of seeing Jill Pierce win an Oscar than you have of finding any gore or suspense in this rubbish. Most murders are committed off screen and on occasion you'll see a shot of the corpses splashed in blood after the deed has been done. (Wow!) The movie could have ended quite satisfactorily at the sixty-minute mark but instead it drags on for another twenty-two, which was not only unnecessary, but it was also extremely unpleasant. At least the pathetic script managed to spawn the odd inadvertent giggle by its outright stupidity. The movie is rife with dialogue like `I don't trust air that I can't see' (what?), but even so, it's hardly worth paying for.

The fact that this is an obscurity from the eighties will invite most completists to hunt it down for nothing but the fact that it's rare. But be warned it really doesn't warrant a purchase when the murders are so lackadaisical and the dramatics are simply horrid. It's not even really a teen-kill movie; it's more thriller than Halloween inspired hack and slasher. It's not only really bad, but it's also painfully boring, so I really recommend that you give it a miss. Try one of Mastorakis' better efforts instead.
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