johannap Reviews

Spring Break Shark Attack (2005 TV Movie)

Hysterically cliché ridden, awful acting, and bad dialogue

[21 March 2005]

As a year round resident of Florida (one of the few under the age of 75), I have dreamt of spring breakers being eaten by sharks, lots and lots of sharks. My dreams were finally realized thanks to CBS finally bringing to the small screen a compelling story that needed to be told: "Spring Break Shark Attack." Simply put, this movie was hysterical. Yes, it was full of clichés, the worst acting this side of "Plan 9 from Outer Space", and terrible, terrible dialogue. Folks, the movie was named "Spring Break Shark Attack." (The name alone sends me into fits of giggles.) Were you expecting Martin Scorcese? Because of its God-awfulness, I can't remember the last time a TV movie made me laugh so hard. One can only imagine how good it would have been to see this monstrosity on a big screen.

Lost in Translation (2003)

Based on all the hype--this wasn't that great

[6/10 · 28 January 2004]

This is a movie about a dull self-centered person on a boring trip who is "not yet a girl, not yet a woman." (I believe Britney Spears already did a song about a girl in a similar predicament. Mercifully, that song was only a few minutes long while this movie is significantly longer.) Charlotte, our protagonist, has no talents of which she is aware ("I can't write, I can't take pictures"). To further accentuate her uselessness and lack of skills, she tells us she majored in philosophy. She tags along with her husband on a trip to Japan and while he actually WORKS and socializes, she sits sullenly in her hotel room staring out of window. Ho-hum. She does this a lot so get used to it. My major impulse through most of the movie was to slap the girl and tell her to "GET A DAMN LIFE." Oh, the troubles of being attractive, young, intelligent, with a cute husband who makes a lot of money and meets rock stars and movie stars. Oh, how horrible that existence must be. I do not blame the failings of this movie on Scarlett Johansson, a young woman who displays flashes of talent. She plays the part as gamely as she can. To make a whiny, boring person tolerable for over an hour is an accomplishment. The faults in this movie I pin squarely on the creator, Ms. Coppolla--a pampered, sheltered child of Hollywood.

Overall, it's not a horrible film. I just didn't think it was as good as the reviews led me to believe. On the plus side, Bill Murray gave a fantastic, disaffected performance of an actor just past his prime who is all too aware of it. The Japanese supporting cast is used stereotypically to some comic effect. Anna Faris is definitely a young comic actress to watch. Whether she meant it or not, her dead-on impersonation of Cameron Diaz made the movie jump alive.

To sum it up, this film will remind you of every boring vacation you've had in which you met one person who made it a more bearable experience but who in the grand scheme of things, didn't mean much other than a small memory.

Biker Boyz (2003)

An enjoyable B movie: it's cotton candy for the mind

[1 February 2003]

If you're expecting an Academy Award caliber film experience from a movie named Biker Boyz, you will be greatly disappointed. But, if you recognize from the start that you are watching a B movie, it's actually a satisfying viewing experience. I should note that I am not into motorcycles, I didn't enjoy the Fast and the Furious, and that I am not the target audience for this movie (professional women in their early 30s are not in that demographic). In spite of that, I found the movie fairly entertaining. Yes, the plot is silly, taking some ridiculous twists (I can't remember the last time I saw an observer to a race impaled by a motorcycle), and the dialogue is laughable: "burn rubber, not your soul", for instance. Yet, for all its ridiculousness, it has energy to spare, looks as shiny and glossy as a brand new penny, and offers a couple of decent performances. The scenery is also superb, and by that I mean the great looking cast: Fishburne, Tate, and Tyson for the girls, Meagan Good, Lisa Bonet, and a scene full of bikini clad women washing bikes for the "boyz". As for performances, notable is Orlando Jones as Soul Train. He made his character appear multi-dimensional. I wish his character had been explored a little more. Tate proves this his Antwone Fisher performance was not an anomaly; he would make a great bad guy. Overall, the movie is cotton candy for your mind, but then again, how dull life would be eating only tofu.