Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (TV Series)

Kimmy Gets a Job! (2015)

Ellie Kemper: Kimmy Schmidt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kimmy Schmidt : Titus, I need you to get your robot suit back.

  Titus Andromedon : But I already did something today!

• Kimmy Schmidt : All right, Kimmy, listen up. I'm listening! Good. Day two in New York City, and you've already got a room with a door, a new pair of shoes, and a black friend. Are you kidding me? No. I'm not.

• Jacqueline Voorhees : My husband, Julian, is flying in from London for the party.

  Kimmy Schmidt : That was the fanciest sentence I've ever heard. And I used to watch "Frasier."

• Kimmy Schmidt : Your stepmother expects you to be at your half brother's party when your full father gets here.

  Xanthippe Voorhees : I'll be back in like an hour. God.

  Kimmy Schmidt : Xanadu, you're grounded.

  Xanthippe Voorhees : Xanthippe. And what?

  Kimmy Schmidt : By the power vested in me as an adult who is a grownup, you're grounded.

  Xanthippe Voorhees : [scoffs]  Okay. Kimmy, IMHO...

  Kimmy Schmidt : Pancakes, got it.

  Xanthippe Voorhees : This is not gonna work. 'Cause nannies like you? I chew you up and I spit you out. Just like all my food.

• Kimmy Schmidt : This family - the mother is having some sort of breakdown, while her stepdaughter is running around drinking and sexing. The little boy is a devil, probably because the father is never around.

  Titus Andromedon : Sounds like this family either has no money or way too much.

  Kimmy Schmidt : Oh, they're super rich. Their toilet has another reverse toilet next to it.

  Titus Andromedon : Oh, no, you cannot work there. Rich New Yorkers are the worst. They buy up buildings for themselves and ruin neighborhoods. They're always inventing new types of dogs that the world doesn't need. And what do they do with their money? They give it to charities to cure malaria in other countries. Well, call me crazy, but I say cure malaria at home first!

• Jacqueline Voorhees : Julian should be here any minute. How do I look?

  Kimmy Schmidt : Like a million bucks!

  Jacqueline Voorhees : Wow. I know you didn't mean that to be hurtful, but...

• Kimmy Schmidt : [meaning "Eureka!"]  Urethra!

• Kimmy Schmidt : You're a kid, and childhood is precious. It's okay that you're a virgin.

  Xanthippe Voorhees : What is your deal? What kind of 29-year-old woman wears light-up Skechers? This isn't over. I'm gonna figure you out, Kimmy. And then I'm gonna destroy you.

  Kimmy Schmidt : I know you are. But what am I?