Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

I Scream When I Pee (2012)

Ashton Kutcher: Walden Schmidt

Quotes 

• Walden Schmidt : Happy birthday!

  [shows Berta a brand new Chevrolet Camaro in her driveway] 

  Berta : Sweet Georgia Brown! You better not be screwing with me.

  Walden Schmidt : No. You always said it was your dream car, and today your dream's come true.

  [gives her the key to the car] 

  Berta : Oh! C'mere, you big old talking taco!

  [wraps Walden in a bear hug] 

  Walden Schmidt : Oh, oh... there's one condition.

  Berta : Okay. You wanna do it in the house or on the hood of the car?

  Walden Schmidt : No.

  [voice lowers] 

  Walden Schmidt : Alan can never find out about this.

  Lyndsey Mackelroy : [cut to Lyndsey and Kandi in bed]  Alan can never find out about this.

• Walden Schmidt : [Referring to a dumb comment just made by Jake]  It's too bad antibiotics can't cure stupidity.

  Alan Harper : Hey, that's my son you...

  [pausing to think a moment] 

  Alan Harper : yeah, you're right.

• Walden Schmidt : How'd it go with Kandi last night?

  Alan Harper : Horrible - she wanted to have sex with me!

  Walden Schmidt : Why do bad things happen to good people!

• Walden Schmidt : [after Alan visits Kandi]  Hey, let me ask you a question.

  Alan Harper : Yes, they're spectacular!