So the plot is some eco-activists break into a suspected animal testing site. This is the last point in the movie the plot makes sense. Eventually, we meet what I can only imagine would have been the love child between Willy Wonka and Ozzy Osborne, Jahn (think John Hammond). Jahn plays a character that doesn't make much sense in the movie. Oh, did I mention the Asian scientist (think BD Wong) and also enter the typical British no-neck tough guy who is "taking over." and the stereotype bad guy. Since Velociraptors, as portrayed in Jurassic Park, didn't actually exist, (No hate mail, please look it up), I think Steven Spielberg should have copyrighted his version of Velociraptors and saved us from all these crap clones... Oh year there is a merc with a sword that is somehow on fire, so yeah there is that. Everyone gets eaten and there and there is the only stereotypical survivor(s). Saved me from boredom one Sunday, and oh God help us all, the ending has a typical sequel hook... Ah, Amazon Prime we love you for the utter crap you provide us with to laugh at. Watch it knowing you will never get those hours of your life back.
3 Reviews
How? Why?
tmccull525 October 2023
Warning: Spoilers
How do movies this abjectly, stupefyingly bad get made? "Dinosaur Prison" is one of the dumbest, most poorly conceived movied that I've ever seen. Who wrote this trash? The plot is like something that a seven or eight year old child would come up with.
The premise of this hilariously bad farce is that three women... animal activists... break into a prison to document proof and record video footage of the captive animals held therein, and the tortures that they're being subjected to. Lo and behold, the poor tortured creatures are dinosaurs!
The three "heroes" argue amongst themselves. One wants to leave, stating that they're in way over their heads, but the other two want to stay and protect the helpless dinosaurs. Liana, the one who wants to leave does so, and in her attempt to escape, she wanders into an open paddock. She is promptly killed and devoured by a spinosaurus.
That leaves Idiot # 1 and Idiot # 2 to carry out the rescue mission. As fate would have it, they're discovered and captured. Fear not, however! They are rescued by a rogue, rebellious research scientist at the prison... a research scientist dressed exactly like a circus ringmaster, complete with a stovepipe tophat and a red velvet jacket. Let's call him Captain Ringmaster.
Captain Ringmaster convinces Idiots # 1 and 2 that he only wishes to save these poor dinosaurs, and he gives them equipment to document the conditions in the prison. He shows them a dilophosaurus whose eyes were removed to enhance it's auditory prowess, and to give it a sonic scream that it can use to disorient a given target. Idiots # 1 and 2 snivel and coo in sympathy for the poor dilophosaurus.
Captain Ringmaster next shows them a baryonyx thst can essentially become invisible. He then shows the Moron Twins poor Bo, a velociraptor that the guards delight in torturing and beating up. They won't even let Bo play with the other dinosaurs, those big meanies!
Unfortunately. This movie only gets stupider from there, including a supposedly topnotch mercenary who chooses to fight the dinosaurs with A FLAMING SWORD instead of the automatic weapons thst he's carrying.
The plot of this "film" only gets worse as the film goes on. The "actors" are absolutely bereft of any acting skill or craft whatsoever, particularly in the cases of Captain Ringmaster and Idiots # 1 and 2. The only halfway decent thing about the movie would be the dinosaur effects. They are far from anything in films like "Jurassic Park", but compared to everything else in this utter rubbish, the special effects seem Oscar worthy.
Do yourself a favor and pass on this flop.
The premise of this hilariously bad farce is that three women... animal activists... break into a prison to document proof and record video footage of the captive animals held therein, and the tortures that they're being subjected to. Lo and behold, the poor tortured creatures are dinosaurs!
The three "heroes" argue amongst themselves. One wants to leave, stating that they're in way over their heads, but the other two want to stay and protect the helpless dinosaurs. Liana, the one who wants to leave does so, and in her attempt to escape, she wanders into an open paddock. She is promptly killed and devoured by a spinosaurus.
That leaves Idiot # 1 and Idiot # 2 to carry out the rescue mission. As fate would have it, they're discovered and captured. Fear not, however! They are rescued by a rogue, rebellious research scientist at the prison... a research scientist dressed exactly like a circus ringmaster, complete with a stovepipe tophat and a red velvet jacket. Let's call him Captain Ringmaster.
Captain Ringmaster convinces Idiots # 1 and 2 that he only wishes to save these poor dinosaurs, and he gives them equipment to document the conditions in the prison. He shows them a dilophosaurus whose eyes were removed to enhance it's auditory prowess, and to give it a sonic scream that it can use to disorient a given target. Idiots # 1 and 2 snivel and coo in sympathy for the poor dilophosaurus.
Captain Ringmaster next shows them a baryonyx thst can essentially become invisible. He then shows the Moron Twins poor Bo, a velociraptor that the guards delight in torturing and beating up. They won't even let Bo play with the other dinosaurs, those big meanies!
Unfortunately. This movie only gets stupider from there, including a supposedly topnotch mercenary who chooses to fight the dinosaurs with A FLAMING SWORD instead of the automatic weapons thst he's carrying.
The plot of this "film" only gets worse as the film goes on. The "actors" are absolutely bereft of any acting skill or craft whatsoever, particularly in the cases of Captain Ringmaster and Idiots # 1 and 2. The only halfway decent thing about the movie would be the dinosaur effects. They are far from anything in films like "Jurassic Park", but compared to everything else in this utter rubbish, the special effects seem Oscar worthy.
Do yourself a favor and pass on this flop.
A highly effective cheesy creature feature
kannibalcorpsegrinder26 December 2023
Breaking into a secure facility, a group of animal rights activists thinking they're going to free a series of animals being experimented on instead finds the area crawling with live dinosaurs and must team up with a sympathetic doctor on staff to try to escape when the creatures get free.
This was a rather enjoyable cheesy creature feature. One of the finer aspects of this one is the seriousness with which it dives into the sheer lunacy of its setup. The main setup of the project to sneak into the facility thinking they're going to free animals in a clandestine series of testing procedures only to have it turned around into realizing everything is about keeping dinosaurs from getting loose is the perfect kind of workable cheesy concept at play here. The way it turns into this scenario early on, almost immediately featuring the group getting into the prison and then showing how wrong they are by going through an entire behind-the-scenes look at the way the facility has tried to cater to their needs so their entire existence is at the best it can be. That provides this one the chance to unleash a series of immensely over-the-top cheesy attacks and encounters. The first attack once they arrive at the prison where it takes out the fleeing team member is a good enough introduction while the main fun is to be found in the second half once they get free and overrun the facility. Taking out the swarms of guards in the different sections focus on the usual series of shock ambushes that are usually featured in these kinds of genre fare while also setting the stage for the big finale where the creatures are set loose to chase them around the prison, there's a lot of fun cheese-filled encounters present where the genetically-engineered bits of their anatomy allow for some high-energy scenarios that offer up a lot to like here. This one does come about some big issues. The main factor against it is the rather bizarre means through which the girls are brought into the background of the facility's inner workings which is done at the drop of a hat. Just as soon as the two are captured, they're taken away by the doctor and given intimate knowledge of the facility which flies in the face of how they're treated minutes later when they're taken captive once again under the guise of protecting their operations. Why this takes place in the first place is immensely questionable and just serves as an info dump that could've been handled in a different manner other than appearing as merely fodder to beef up the running time. As well as the level of cheese from the scenario and the effects featured here, these are the drawbacks of this one.
Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence and Graphic Language.
This was a rather enjoyable cheesy creature feature. One of the finer aspects of this one is the seriousness with which it dives into the sheer lunacy of its setup. The main setup of the project to sneak into the facility thinking they're going to free animals in a clandestine series of testing procedures only to have it turned around into realizing everything is about keeping dinosaurs from getting loose is the perfect kind of workable cheesy concept at play here. The way it turns into this scenario early on, almost immediately featuring the group getting into the prison and then showing how wrong they are by going through an entire behind-the-scenes look at the way the facility has tried to cater to their needs so their entire existence is at the best it can be. That provides this one the chance to unleash a series of immensely over-the-top cheesy attacks and encounters. The first attack once they arrive at the prison where it takes out the fleeing team member is a good enough introduction while the main fun is to be found in the second half once they get free and overrun the facility. Taking out the swarms of guards in the different sections focus on the usual series of shock ambushes that are usually featured in these kinds of genre fare while also setting the stage for the big finale where the creatures are set loose to chase them around the prison, there's a lot of fun cheese-filled encounters present where the genetically-engineered bits of their anatomy allow for some high-energy scenarios that offer up a lot to like here. This one does come about some big issues. The main factor against it is the rather bizarre means through which the girls are brought into the background of the facility's inner workings which is done at the drop of a hat. Just as soon as the two are captured, they're taken away by the doctor and given intimate knowledge of the facility which flies in the face of how they're treated minutes later when they're taken captive once again under the guise of protecting their operations. Why this takes place in the first place is immensely questionable and just serves as an info dump that could've been handled in a different manner other than appearing as merely fodder to beef up the running time. As well as the level of cheese from the scenario and the effects featured here, these are the drawbacks of this one.
Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence and Graphic Language.
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