Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
That Darn Priest (2011)
Dakin Matthews: Father Shaunassey
Quotes
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Alan Harper : Bless me, Father, for I have sinned?
Father Shaunassey : Are you asking me or telling me?
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Father Shaunassey : When was your last confession?
Alan Harper : Oh, wow, let's see. Uh, that would be... never!
Father Shaunassey : Are you even Catholic?
Alan Harper : No, but I'm a big fan. The costumes, the music, um, crackers and wine.
Father Shaunassey : That's the body and blood of our Saviour.
Alan Harper : I know. Mm-mm, good. You guys ever think about putting that in supermarkets like a Lunchable?
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Alan Harper : [Enters a confessional and sees the window closed] Hi. I'd like a Jumbo Jack and an apple turnover.
Father Shaunassey : [the window suddenly opens] Do you want fries with that?
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Alan Harper : Just to be clear, what I tell you is between you and me.
Father Shaunassey : And the Lord.
Alan Harper : Sure, but I'm not worried about him blabbing. You, I just met. Couldn't pick you out of a lineup.
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Alan Harper : Do you know what a Ponzi scheme is?
Father Shaunassey : I do. Are you an investment banker?
Alan Harper : No, I'm a chiropractor.
Father Shaunassey : A chiropractic Ponzi scheme. Okay, you piqued my interest.
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Alan Harper : I was hoping that you could forgive me.
Father Shaunassey : Are you prepared to make restitution and confess what you've done to your family?
Alan Harper : Oh, God, no! I was hoping you could give me a few Hail Marys and I could make a donation to the Church's legal-defense fund. Win-win.
Father Shaunassey : That's not how absolution works. You have to make an act of contrition and then do penance.
Alan Harper : Do I get to keep the money?
Father Shaunassey : No!
Alan Harper : Uh, you know what? I'm just gonna mosey over to Temple Beth Shalom and see what their deal is! I'll get back to you!