The Simpsons (TV Series)

And Maggie Makes Three (1995)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Terrorist, Barney Gumble, Homer's Sperm, Bowler #1, Bowler #4, Bowler #5, Bowler #9, Mayor Quimby

Quotes 

• [as Maggie is born] 

  Homer : Aw, it's a boy... and what a boy!

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : Uh, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.

• Homer : Hey, what's this? It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts. With tiny, little, baby-sized gifts... oh, well, I'll be in the tub.

  Maude Flanders : Oh, by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.

  Homer : New job... MARGE IS PREGNANT?

  [pulls out the few remaining hairs on his head] 

  Homer : NOOOOOOO!

  [He runs upstairs, shrieking hysterically] 

• Homer : Thanks for giving me my job back, Mr. Burns.

  Mr. Burns : I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.

  Waylon Smithers : Uh, sir, that's the "plaque."

  Mr. Burns : Ah, yes, the special de-motivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. For you see, you're here... forever.

  [Smithers screws the plaque to the wall] 

  Mr. Burns : [reading]  "Don't Forget - You're Here Forever."

• Hans Gruber : Attention, American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.

  Homer : Not on MY shift.

• [Homer is trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley] 

  Homer : Of course!

  [Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming] 

  Homer : Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

  Lisa Simpson : [in the present]  Mom, make Dad tell the story right!

  Marge Simpson : That's what really happened.

  Lisa Simpson : Oh.

• [when Homer asks for his job back, he is pointed to a doggie-sized door marked "Supplicants." He emerges in Burns' office on all fours, dusty and coughing] 

  Mr. Burns : So... come crawling back, eh?

  Homer : Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it.

• Homer : [praying]  Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever.

  [brief pause] 

  Homer : Thy bidding will be done.

  [munch munch munch] 

• Michael : Faster, Knight Boat! We've gotta catch those starfish poachers!

  Knight Boat : You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.

  [the poachers leap off their jetskis and onto motorcycles] 

  Michael : We'll never catch them now!

  Knight Boat : Incorrect. Look: a canal.

  Homer : Go, Knight Boat, go!

  Bart : [groans]  Oh, every week there's a canal.

  Lisa Simpson : Or an inlet.

  Bart : Or a fjord.

  Homer : Quiet! I will not hear another word against the Boat.

• Homer : So many memories... Ah, look, "Night Boat"

  Bart : Aw...

  Bart : Look, you can see our mirror to it.

  Homer : It looks like we have two.

• Bart : Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?

  Homer : Oh, just that one time.

  Marge Simpson : Actually, when I was about to have Bart...

  [cut to Marge telling Homer] 

  Homer : You're pregnant?

  [shrieks, points at Marge's stomach, rips out most of his hair, and runs up to the bedroom, still shreiking] 

  Marge Simpson : And then, when I told him about Lisa...

  [cut to Marge telling Homer with Bart watching] 

  Homer : You're pregnant again?

  [repeats the act, except ripping all of his hair out before running upstairs] 

• Homer : Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!

  [He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present] 

  Marge Simpson : Bart, let your father tell the story!

  Homer : Yeah!

  Bart : Okay, but I know funny.

• [while Marge is in labor, Homer can only be depressed about the financial costs and having to take back his job at the nuclear plant] 

  Homer : [feigning happiness]  It's wonderful, it's magical, oh boy, here it comes, another mouth.

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : One more push ought to do it.

  Homer : Marvelous.

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. You have a beautiful, healthy, baby.

  Homer : Okay.

  [He half-heartedly raises a thumbs-up - and Maggie wraps her tiny hand around his thumb] 

  Homer : Huh?

  [He looks at her] 

  Marge Simpson : Homie, she's saying hello.

  Homer : [gazing adoringly at Maggie]  Hello!

• [Homer returns to the flashback after interrupting Bart's humorous re-telling; a headless Homer is moaning at Marge] 

  Homer : Oh, we're doomed!

  Marge Simpson : [voice-over]  Homer, you had a head.

  Homer : [voice-over]  Check.

  [in the flashback, Homer's head pops back] 

• [Marge and the kids say "eww" as Homer mimes sperm impregnating an egg] 

  Marge Simpson : Do you have to be so graphic?

  Homer : Relax, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.

• [Homer has laid eyes on Maggie for the first time] 

  Homer : Aww, it's a boy.

  [looking down] 

  Homer : And *what* a boy!

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : Ah, no. That's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.