- [as Maggie is born]
- Homer: Aw, it's a boy... and what a boy!
- Dr. Julius Hibbert: Uh, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.
- Homer: Hey, what's this? It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts. With tiny, little, baby-sized gifts... oh, well, I'll be in the tub.
- Maude Flanders: Oh, by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
- Homer: New job... MARGE IS PREGNANT?
- [pulls out the few remaining hairs on his head]
- Homer: NOOOOOOO!
- [He runs upstairs, shrieking hysterically]
- Homer: Thanks for giving me my job back, Mr. Burns.
- Mr. Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
- Waylon Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the "plaque."
- Mr. Burns: Ah, yes, the special de-motivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. For you see, you're here... forever.
- [Smithers screws the plaque to the wall]
- Mr. Burns: [reading] "Don't Forget - You're Here Forever."
- Hans Gruber: Attention, American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.
- Homer: Not on MY shift.
- Marge Simpson: You promised one hour of family time per week. Besides, that back-talking boat sets a bad example.
- Bart: Says you, woman.
- [Homer is trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]
- Homer: Of course!
- [Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]
- Homer: Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!
- Lisa Simpson: [in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
- Marge Simpson: That's what really happened.
- Lisa Simpson: Oh.
- Michael: Faster, Knight Boat! We've gotta catch those starfish poachers!
- Knight Boat: You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.
- [the poachers leap off their jetskis and onto motorcycles]
- Michael: We'll never catch them now!
- Knight Boat: Incorrect. Look: a canal.
- Homer: Go, Knight Boat, go!
- Bart: [groans] Oh, every week there's a canal.
- Lisa Simpson: Or an inlet.
- Bart: Or a fjord.
- Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the Boat.
- [On the day Homer quits the power plant, he insults Mr. Burns and plays his bald head like a bongo drum]
- Mr. Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.
- Bart: Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?
- Homer: Oh, just that one time.
- Marge Simpson: Actually, when I was about to have Bart...
- [cut to Marge telling Homer]
- Homer: You're pregnant?
- [shrieks, points at Marge's stomach, rips out most of his hair, and runs up to the bedroom, still shreiking]
- Marge Simpson: And then, when I told him about Lisa...
- [cut to Marge telling Homer with Bart watching]
- Homer: You're pregnant again?
- [repeats the act, except ripping all of his hair out before running upstairs]
- Homer: Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!
- [He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]
- Marge Simpson: Bart, let your father tell the story!
- Homer: Yeah!
- Bart: Okay, but I know funny.
- [while Marge is in labor, Homer can only be depressed about the financial costs and having to take back his job at the nuclear plant]
- Homer: [feigning happiness] It's wonderful, it's magical, oh boy, here it comes, another mouth.
- Dr. Julius Hibbert: One more push ought to do it.
- Homer: Marvelous.
- Dr. Julius Hibbert: Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. You have a beautiful, healthy, baby.
- Homer: Okay.
- [He half-heartedly raises a thumbs-up - and Maggie wraps her tiny hand around his thumb]
- Homer: Huh?
- [He looks at her]
- Marge Simpson: Homie, she's saying hello.
- Homer: [gazing adoringly at Maggie] Hello!
- [Homer returns to the flashback after interrupting Bart's humorous re-telling; a headless Homer is moaning at Marge]
- Homer: Oh, we're doomed!
- Marge Simpson: [voice-over] Homer, you had a head.
- Homer: [voice-over] Check.
- [in the flashback, Homer's head pops back]
- [Marge and the kids say "eww" as Homer mimes sperm impregnating an egg]
- Marge Simpson: Do you have to be so graphic?
- Homer: Relax, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.
- [Homer has laid eyes on Maggie for the first time]
- Homer: Aww, it's a boy.
- [looking down]
- Homer: And *what* a boy!
- Dr. Julius Hibbert: Ah, no. That's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.