Ah yes, this one. We're all familiar with this little gem. Woodland Critter Christmas takes no prisoners, it's infamous, it's messed up, and it's damn good! So the critters, you know, Beary, Deery, Squirrelly, Porcupiney, Beavery, Rabitty and all the rest, are decorating a Christmas tree when suddenly they are visited by a little boy in a red poofball hat, Stan. I know the episode is narrated in rhymes, but I'm going to go the traditional route. Now, the critters convince Stan to get them a star for their tree, and then somehow track him down to his house and wake him in the middle of the night to build them a manger. See, Porcupiney is with child. A virginal birth of their lord and savior was eminent. And so, Stan built them a manger when suddenly the gang is stalked by a ferocious mountain lion. The critters tell him that this lion has halted the previous savior birth and request that Stan get rid of it, so he goes about his task, somewhat graciously, and manages to rub out the mountain lion, only to realize that it was the mother of three young cubs. As bad as this made Stan feel, what happened next really stomped his heart into the ground: the critters' savior is Satan. These cute, adorable woodland critters are actually monsters possessed by the devil and hold powers of the black magic. Stan attempts to tear down the manger, and feels the wrath of their Satanic powers.
Plagued with guilt and endlessly hounded by the narrator, Stan remembers the lion cubs and tries to get their help in killing the Anti-Christ once it's born. Long story short, they realize abortion is the answer and are transported to the abortion clinic in town and watch the doctor do his thing. Meanwhile, the Satanic critters come across Kyle, and once they learn he's Jewish, they decide he will be the perfect host for the Anti-Christ. So on Christmas Eve, a red star shines in the night sky, and unfortunately, Stan and the cubs are too late. The evil baby had been born, and what's more, they were about to insert it into Kyle, when suddenly Santa Claus arrives to save the day. He blasts the critters' brains out and before he can dispose of the Anti-Christ, Kyle wants to absorb its powers and become dominant. That's when the story is interrupted and we see that it was all part of a Christmas story Cartman had written for school. Kyle doesn't want the story to continue, because he knows Cartman will just have him killed by Santa. The author assures him that isn't the case, and when the rest of the class demands to know what happens, Cartman is allowed to resume the story. So, the lion cubs perform an abortion on Kyle, Santa smashes the Anti-Christ and grants Stan a special Christmas request. He asks for the lion cubs' mama to be brought back to life, and so it was a merry Christmas for all... except for Kyle, who died later on.
If this episode doesn't offend you, then you've got problems. This idea is terrific, and it takes such an intriguing twist. At first you got these cutesy-wutesy little animals and it looks so adorable, then Stan is dropped into this world and it's fun seeing him interact with these critters, but then we learn these animals are evil and the story takes a dark turn. It was all so well done. To date, this was the last South Park Christmas episode, and I can't understand why. Their Christmas episodes are the best! I know Woodland Critter Christmas is a tough act to follow, but all they have to do is change it up. Maybe they've felt they said all they can say about the politics of Christmas? So what? Don't be political and stuff! Maybe some day Christmas will return to South Park. Maybe the day the show becomes funny again. But for now, enjoy these classic episodes, and be sure to see Woodland Critter Christmas! It's a ride you won't soon forget.
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