M*A*S*H (TV Series)
The Incubator (1973)
Wayne Rogers: Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre
Photos
Quotes
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Gen. Mitchell : I wonder if you doctors understand going through channels, military-wise speaking.
Trapper : Sir, we started with a captain, went on to a major, then to a colonel.
Hawkeye : On the way, we've encountered oral compulsiveness, raging paranoia, and a colonel who's shipping Korea to Switzerland one dollar at a time.
Trapper : Which makes you the next contestant, General.
Hawkeye : And the subject you've chosen is "Incubators."
Trapper : And we need one.
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Henry Blake : Captain Sloan here is with supply.
Captain Sloan : More accurately, I'm with the 375th Q. M. H. Q., COMSEAPAC, SEOULSEC REPDEP.
Hawkeye : Maybe I'll have that drink.
Captain Sloan : Now, the business at hand is an incubator, that is if my lieutenant understood what your colonel said you captains want.
Hawkeye : Right.
Trapper : And we need one as soon as possible.
Captain Sloan : Well, let's see what the good book says.
Hawkeye : The good book?
Captain Sloan : The Manual of Supply and Requisition.
Hawkeye : MANSUPREQ.
Captain Sloan : Um, "inhalator, indicator, innoculator, infusilator - " Here it is: 437 - stroke - R2, incubator.
Henry Blake : Thar she blows!
Captain Sloan : "Device for developing bacterial cultures at constant suitable temperatures." Uh-huh. I see. That certainly makes sense. You can't have one.
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Trapper : Radar, how do we go about requisitioning an incubator?
Henry Blake : Just HOLD it! I'm sick and tired of you guys going over my head down to Radar!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : Oh, I don't mind, Sir.
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Hawkeye : [Mocking Colonel Blake and Captain Sloan after being told they couldn't get an incubator] "Thank you, Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient. You have a temperature of 109 - stroke - 10. Afraid you can't have an incubator, but you can have a pizza with everything to go. Unless of course, you go first."
Henry Blake : Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?
Hawkeye : Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to take a step up.
Trapper : Into limbo.
Hawkeye : No, you can't have any limbo. In fact, you can't have anything - stroke - nothing which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.
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Major Morris : Our clerk says you want an incubator. No dice.
Hawkeye : Yeah, but you've got three.
Major Morris : That's right. If I give one away, I'll only have two.
Trapper : What's wrong with two?
Major Morris : Two is not as good as three.
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Trapper : And all we want is an incubator.
Hawkeye : For the simple purpose of practicing better and more efficient medicine. Sir, I- I appeal to your sense of what's right.
Colonel Lambert : [turns to his Geisha, Betty Lou]
Betty Lou : They're full of it.
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Hawkeye : [Groggy] Trapper?
[Grunts]
Hawkeye : Trapper?
Trapper : I'm not going to talk unless you stop screaming.
Hawkeye : I'm sorry. I'll be better after I shave my tongue.
[Both groan as they sit up]
Trapper : Does your head hurt?
Hawkeye : From the ankles up. Everything above that I leave to science.
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Hawkeye : Radar, I had the impression that we woke you about 3:30 this morning.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : I don't know. It was ten to four.
Trapper : Did we say why?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : Uh. You said you wanted to sacrifice a virgin.
Hawkeye : Well, did we?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : I was too sleepy.
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Colonel Lambert : An even thousand should handle it.
Trapper : A thousand dollars?
Colonel Lambert : Cash.
Hawkeye : Ah. Preparing a little doggie bag for Switzerland, Colonel?
Colonel Lambert : That's a perfect diagnosis, doctor.
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Major Morris : You know, I think I know how we can solve this problem. Why don't you guys just salute and get the hell on out of here?
Trapper : Who's your commanding officer?
Major Morris : Colonel Lambert is the commanding officer of this base.
Hawkeye : Where would we find him?
Major Morris : Well, nowhere on the base, that's for sure.
Hawkeye : He's got his own house?
Major Morris : He's got two of 'em, one blonde, one brunette.
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Trapper : Guess where we're going after surgery, Henry.
Henry Blake : Oh? Without my permission?
Hawkeye : Don't we have it?
Henry Blake : Of course you do. You think I'd let you leave without my permission?
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Nurse Owens : Okay. I'll ship this off to the Tokyo lab. We'll know what he has in 72 hours, then you can treat him.
Hawkeye : Seventy-two hours? The kid's so hot now, you can fry an egg on his head.
Trapper : Why don't we have an incubator here so we can do our own tests?
Nurse Owens : Because it would save time and effort, and it would make sense.
Hawkeye : Can't have any of that in the army.
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Maj. Frank Burns : You're not going to debauch all night, and then expect me to cleanse you with a tongue-lashing. I'm not your mother.
Trapper : Aw, please, Frank.
Hawkeye : Come on, Mom. Please.
Maj. Frank Burns : No.
Hawkeye : You have to. How're we gonna know what a good time we had unless you tell us how rotten we are?
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Henry Blake : Look at this, guys. Our own barbecue. I'll show you amateurs how to put on a party.
Trapper : We're through with parties for a while, Henry.
Henry Blake : Well, you'll never top last night. That was a real wingding.
[Chuckles]
Henry Blake : I'd have bet anything you couldn't get four people inside a sleeping bag.