M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde (1973)

Larry Linville: Maj. Frank Burns

Quotes 

• Hawkeye : Why are we here?

  Major Franklin Marion Burns : I believe I just explained that. Captain.

  Hawkeye : No, I'm... I mean... what... uh... what's the war about? Why... what do... whaddo, whaddo... how did it start?

  Major Franklin Marion Burns : The communists, Pierce. And don't try to make fun of this. This is serious business.

  Hawkeye : I'm not making fun, Frank. I'm trying to figure this out. What... why should Nor- uh... North Korea want to take over America? Is it something we said? Something we didn't say?

  [enlisted man snores] 

  Major Franklin Marion Burns : Let me tell you something, Pierce. These godless communists have run their own countries right into the ground while we've been building the highest standard of living in the world. Half of these people over here have never even seen a bathroom, and believe you me, they want one.

  Hawkeye : They do?

  Major Franklin Marion Burns : You bet your life they do. And if they can't get our bathrooms by subversion, they'll get them by war.

  Hawkeye : They can have mine. I'd be glad to keep my legs crossed until after the war.

• Major Franklin Marion Burns : You're taking a picture of a latrine?

  Hawkeye : Very observant, Frank.

  [Aiming his camera toward Frank and Hot Lips] 

  Hawkeye : What am I doing now?

  Major Franklin Marion Burns : [Blocking his face defensively]  What are you doing?

  Hawkeye : Still taking a picture of a latrine. It was a trick question.

• Major Franklin Marion Burns : Why are you taking a picture of the latrine?

  Hawkeye : Why are the North Koreans bombing us? What do they want? We have guns, they have guns, we have tanks, they have tanks, what could we possibly have that they want?