M*A*S*H (TV Series)
April Fools (1980)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Captain B.J. Hunnicut : [after many hours in the OR] This war has definitely lost its alure.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce : My sentiments exactly. If we didn't have such a terrific union here I'd put in my two week notice. But I'm too weak.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Look, we're already getting busted for insubordination, so why don't we go out in a blaze of glory? Let the crime fit the punishment.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I love it.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Let's get that twerp.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Charles?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Pierce, that is a childish, totally immature, and petulant suggestion. When do we nail the swine?
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Klinger, did you see anybody else lurking around here earlier?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : No. Oh, yeah! I think I saw Major Houlihan leaving. Why?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Because there's something besides my foot in my boot. And from the size of the lumps, I'd say it was oatmeal.
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Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : [after Hawkeye, B.J., and Charles steal Margaret's tent] Where is my tent?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : We pitched it somewhere.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : [Margaret starts hitting them with a pillow] You crumbs! You crumbs!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Margaret!
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Where is my tent?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : We gave it to a dog. Now it's a pup tent.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : You idiot!
Maj. Charles Winchester : Ah, don't hit a pillow when it's down!
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Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : Get this: I'm gonna shape this place up and I can't think of a better way to start than barring all of you from medical service.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [laughs] Golly gee, boys and girls, are we in Dutch.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : The colonel's gonna make us stand in a corner of Korea.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : And go to bed without supper.
Maj. Charles Winchester : For which, Colonel, I shall be eternally grateful.
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : What's going on here?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : 'Tis the season to be silly, Colonel. April one-eth is at hand.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Bushwa! My Farmer's Almanac says it's still March.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Oh, but Colonel, I mean, the festive spirit of April Fool can scarcely be contained within a mere 24-hour period.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : And there are only a few joking days left.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Okay, okay. But just include me out. "Understandez" vous?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Colonel, how could you even think it? Your persona is truly hallowed.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : And don't you forget it. Besides which, I've seen 'em all.
[Col. Potter turns to exit, revealing a tail clamped to the seat of his pants]
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Thanks for the room service, Margaret. I always did like breakfast in boot.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
[to Col. Potter]
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Don't worry about me, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I owe you one.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Wait a minute. Pierce, are you "deef"? I'm giving your hijinks the heave-ho, post haste. I'm the boss here! I can do that!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I heard you, Colonel.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : And?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : And I'll follow your instructions to the letter.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Fine, fine. I knew you wouldn't let your revered leader down. But just in case, check your joy buzzers at the door. Dismissed.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I'm gonna get her.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Pierce, you are "deef." Didn't you hear what Potter said?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : All he said was no jokes while Tucker's here. Well, Tucker's not here yet, so how long you think it would take us to fire Margaret out of a cannon?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : [They chuckle] I've got such a good idea.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : What? What?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Uh, no more. I don't want to get Potter in hot water.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : What?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : No more.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Pierce, let's call a temporary cease prank.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh, so I'm on my own, huh?
[Looks at Charles]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : No help will be forthcoming from the guy who had "Kilroy" painted on his head while he slept.
[Looks at B.J]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Or the fire breathing fellow who found Tabasco in his mouthwash. All courtesy of Margaret the menace.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Maybe one more.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [after a prank results in a broken pillow] Uh--Uh, I, uh--I take it our, uh, feathers don't tickle your fancy.
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : I am Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker, 8th Army, Surgeon General's Office, here to observe your medical staff in action. Now, who in the hell are you people?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Actually, we're just the medical staff.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : How are we doing so far?