Gladiatress (2004) User Reviews

Not great, not horrible - more like mediocre

[sarastro7 · 4/10 · 12 August 2006]

It's funny how people apparently either hate or love this movie. Every user comment either gives it a "1" rating or above a "7" - it's a good thing we have the average, then, which in this case for once is actually very accurate: this movie is worth about a "4".

It has funny elements, though not many for a movie that's supposed to be a comedy. The portrayal of Celtic-Britannic culture (incl. some Picts) is entertaining and even a little educational, and the movie's main strength lies in its realistic portrayal of what would happen to someone who tried to rescue a family member from being kidnapped by the Romans: she becomes a slave herself.

The funniest thing about the movie is probably the way we have Worthaboutapig crossing the English channel and then instantly thinking that the Roman colony she finds there ("Boulogne" = Paris) is actually Rome itself. For some ignorant clan member who's never been to the continent before, and certainly never seen the capital of a major civilization (to say nothing of a map), that's actually extremely realistic. And the anachronistic line "When in Rome...!" just has that extra little punch, when we know that she isn't actually in Rome after all.

There are a bunch of details to like in this movie - the production values, for instance, and that terrifically nonchalant German gladiator, Schlaffwaffe -, but it's just not funny enough, overall. It's too understated, has very few scenes approaching the memorable, and just strikes me as too self-indulgent. Fart and crotch jokes abound, which are tasteless and unfunny. The characters are cardboards. As a whole the movie is a disappointment, but at least it marginally holds your interest throughout. That, at least, is something.

Gladiatress

[CinemaSerf · 5/10 · 4 September 2023]

Ok, come on - it's not so very, very bad... Yes, the jokes are pretty puerile and the acting leaves quite a lot to be desired, but isn't this just running with the baton well established by the equally tarnished "Carry On" films - only, to be fair, without quite the same degree of sexist and banal innuendo? The plot is nonsense, but that doesn't really matter - it's meant to be a light-hearted role-reversal film where the stereotypes are reversed and it is the women who have the brains to defeat the encroaching Roman Legions invading Celtic Britain back in the day when togas and face painting were not just things on a Christian Lacroix catwalk. It clearly had a tiny budget, none of which was spent on a decent script, and you just know you are never going to get this 90 minutes of your life back again, but the character names are mildly amusing and the cast - especially Marcia Warren and Pam Ferris seem to be having a laugh too - with or at is anyone's guess. Rubbish, yes - but it's British rubbish...

Cover better than entire movie

[deamond9 · 1/10 · 26 November 2006]

On the video cover, there's a back view of a girl in a short Roman skirt, and some text which says, "Does my Gluteus Meximus look big in this?"

That one costume, and that one joke, is better than anything in the entire movie. I swear, it made me wonder of it's so much to ask that watching a movie be at least as entertaining as looking at the cover.

All the women, even in the actual arena, are fully clothed in baggy fur. The sets are obviously cheep, jokes are just bad, it seems to have been made by people who don't know anything about movies.

There's one good scene;

In this movie the Tpits are depicted as always wearing severed rotting human heads around their necks like necklaces. In one scene the 3 (three) main characters are disguising themselves as 2 (two) Tpits. The first one has an actual head around her neck, but the second one has the third one standing inside her clothes pretending to be a severed head.

I recommend instead;

The Arena

Sparticus

Monty Python's Holy grail

The worst film I've ever seen.

[1of7 · 1/10 · 10 September 2005]

I know there are others who have found enjoyment in this film, but personally I cannot remember having seen before a film so devoid of ANY redeeming features.

Having rented this film from the local video store I found myself wanting not only my money but also my TIME back.

TV humour does not always benefit from the transition from TV to the Big Screen. But having regularly watched and been a fan of Smack the Pony I was expecting a comedy of merit. What I find difficult to understand is how the team that produced Smack the Pony (and were also behind excellent 'Green Wing', which I consider to be the funniest/brilliant programs for many a long while) could also produce this sorry film.

It was vaguely reminiscent of a Carry On film but was far worse than the worst of any of them and the 'lets sit round dinner and have a farting competition' scene was a direct steal from 'Blazing Saddles'.

The simple fact is that the plot made no sense and it was simply not funny. The title was the Gladiatress yet none of the sisters become one (they were simply put into the arena to be killed, that is NOT a Gladiator).

Please, please, please don't see this film, it will only encourage them and it might give them enough money to make a sequel.

Total waste of DVD

[imbd-114 · 1/10 · 14 March 2006]

This movie is awful, don't waist a perfectly good disc and the time to watch this please ! OK, so I got misled by the cover, featuring one of the three sisters, in a Gladiatress outfit... Which she never wares, not even a second! So don't fall for that one. Then there's a very thin story about three sisters. The oldest one is the most normal (and 'cute') one and about to become queen of some country in the UK. (We're talking Caesar-era here). Then there is the stupid blond sister, and the savage, abandoned sister. The about-to-become-queen gets kidnapped by the Romans, so the stupid one is sent out to save her. Se gets the savage sister to come with her and... that's about it. There are a few minutes of 'gladiatress' action, that isn't funny, exciting or sexy at all. So this movie totally missed it if you ask me..

Number 13... on my bottom 100

[TheOtherFool · 1/10 · 14 September 2004]

Close to such classics as Glitter and Midnight Tease we find this incredibly dull spoof (?) of Gladiator and other Roman Era films, with some sort of odd feminism throughout the entire 'movie'.

When 1 of three sisters, nobody less than an English princess, is kidnapped by the Romans, the other two set out to free her. Some silly gags, idiotic characters and stupifying fighting scenes later I had not laughed but once, when the character with the oh so funny name Worthaboutapig is beheaded, as I hoped that would finally shut her up. But too bad...

If you're an individual with any sense left, leave this film alone. In fact, stay away from it as far as possible. This movie is definitely worth much less than a pig. 1/10.

Unfunny and crude

[pwookey-11830 · 2/10 · 5 June 2022]

This is one of the worst films I've every watched. None of the characters are likeable. The plot is unbelievable and there are very few laughs. There is too much unnecessary crudity. Definitely not worth watching.

It's not so bad

[Elliott-3 · 7/10 · 29 October 2004]

OK, I had several advantages in watching Gladiatress...

• I had read the terrible reviews and had the lowest possible expectations, so I wasn't going to be disappointed.

• I watched it with a glass of good wine and in the company of two friends who had happy memories of their fun time as extras (and we even managed to catch glimpses of them) - I recognised every single location shot - all within a few miles of my home So, you have to weigh this when I say we all enjoyed it. We all laughed aloud lots of times.

It also looks great. Much higher production values than you'd expect for a movie of this type. Partly this is down having borrowed equipment and costumes from the multi zillion dollar Gladiator. But it is also a well-made movie in its own right (OK, it's not Once upon a Time in the West - but neither is it On The Buses).

And Sally Phillips is just scrummy. She can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. And, apparently, she is a very nice person too.

So... this is never going to be on anyone's Top Ten, but give it a chance. I think some of the negativity it's had is completely over the top. I hope it does get a theatrical release - I think it deserves that.

"Smack The Gladiator"- seriously underrated

[music2 · 9/10 · 18 February 2005]

The girls of UK comedy TV show "Smack The Pony" take on the "Gladiator" story- like an answer to the lads of "Spaced" doing "Shaun Of The Dead" (except that "Gladiatress" was filmed at the same time, or possibly even first?) It's a real shame that this film got overlooked, and possibly even buried, in the shadow of "Shaun Of The Dead" as it's a funny film in it's own right. There are a lot of parallels in the style between the two films though. For a start, I was falling off my seat with laughter in both films.

Like "Shaun..", a lot of the jokes wouldn't be funny if you had only ever seen them written down- a lot of the real comedy is in the delivery. For example the line "I don't even know where Rome is... s***..."- dull written down but laugh-out-loud when you hear Sally Phillips saying it. Also like "Shaun..", it's really vulgar in parts but never too much, and even though you don't expect to, by the end you're empathising with characters you thought at the beginning of the film you couldn't possibly like.

My only criticisms would be that the first ten minutes are a bit shaky- which might explain why this film has got some poor reviews, as it doesn't leave a good first impression. Also, Doon Mackichan is, surprisingly, a bit weak through some parts of the movie, which is a shame as Fiona Allen and Sally Phillips are on top form. Oh, and the tag-line "does my Gluteus Maximus look big in this?" isn't funny, and it under-sells the film. But these are all minor points, and don't really detract from the entertainment.

The reviewer who commented on the "odd feminism" in the film has, in my opinion, firmly grabbed the wrong end of his stick (or has problems listening to women as equals). If he was expecting a sexy women-in-leather soft porn, this film happily isn't that. It isn't a chick-flick either- you don't have to be one gender or the other to laugh at this film.

In a nutshell, if you liked "Shaun Of The Dead", and/or "Smack The Pony" on TV, this is worth hunting down a copy of. I eventually had to get a legitimate DVD copy from the Netherlands in order to see it- this film is too good to go unnoticed!

A great uplifting comedy about tits and bravery

[svanthe · 7/10 · 14 April 2005]

Not brilliant, but definitely worth watching. British humor at it's almost best and a very feminine type of humor to, in the great tradition of Absolutely Faboulous and Bridget Jones. Girl Power comedy. I think it's wonderful that we have come that far that women can be portrayed as pathetic and miserable but still sympathetic, as they are in movies like Gladiatress and Bridget Jones Diaries. It's womens turn to be allowed to be ridiculous - a domain which has been strictly male dominated until recently.

Above all I like that the movie show how superior, in practically everything, except for farting, the Romans were. They were cleaner, ate better, behaved better and above all, they locked better. "What have the Romans ever given to us" - Life of Brian. British men don't get much credit in this one. The movies heretical mixture of past and present also makes it one of those few really good comedies that doesn't take itself too seriously without becoming just silly and boring.

Laughable, but then again, so was Gladiator, Troy and Alexander!

[gargoylejah · 6/10 · 1 October 2005]

At this this film was TRYING to be funny! OK, OK so it isn't a masterpiece of comedic cinematography...but, as an archaeologist, there were some rather chucklicious moments! The warrior-sister's moral conundrum (how can she go back to slaughtering people and chopping off their heads after she's had children?!) was brilliant...especially with the advice from the Pictish couple (complete with tattoos and severed heads around their necks!).

The film actually surpassed the great, lumbering fiasco Gladiator and Troy in its accuracy of the costume, settlements, etc. Heck, they even got the British Iron Age Tribal names right! It helped that most of the Celtic scenes were filmed at Butser Ancient Farm. The only really serious faux pas in that arena were the Roman legionaries' equipment...jeeez, if they really borrowed props from Gladiator, you would have thought they could have scored a few accurate suits of armour! That said, I thought the depiction of the smarmy, effeminate Romans was excellent! You could almost HEAR Eddie Izzard lilting "Helloooo.....we are the Romans! Yes, we are!" Bottom line...don't go into this film expecting to laugh your arse off...but it is worthy of a few grins and snickers.

Hide it from your girlfriend

[unbrokenmetal · 8/10 · 27 May 2009]

The idiotic cover almost stopped me from watching the movie, because it seemed to indicate this could be moronic rubbish like "Meet the Spartans" again, but fortunately it's something completely different. First, they really got their historical background right. The explanation how the Romans could conquer Gallia and Britannia - not simply by brute force, but let proxies fight their wars for them and fight tribes separately which were enemies of each other - is given better than in most serious movies about that period. Asking the question "were some slaves actually satisfied with their primitive life without any rights"? like Worthaboutapig is probably more realistic than the heroic rebels of Spartacus movies, since Spartacus was the exception not the rule when it comes to self-sacrifice, but it's all quite politically incorrect to ask, I bet.

This is one of the funniest movies I've watched in the last couple of years. It's dominated by three women who fight against all odds ("I must warn you, I'm a Celtic warrior princess. I can kill a man in 17 different ways. 18, if you include cooking") which is of course unusual in the genre but works extremely well since their characters are so extremely different. Hide the DVD from your girlfriend, though, it may give her ideas...

There are worse films

[pkr2000 · 6/10 · 25 September 2005]

Hadn't heard anything about this film but spotted that it had most of the cast from Smack The Pony so thought it might be worth a watch. I felt it wasn't as funny as the their series, which I think is just OK. The story ans script are very poor. I watched some of the extras and they talk about how quickly the guy wrote it, well it shows. Not to mention that I don't believe the port of Deal is between Ramsgate and Sandwich, but then again I don't think they were going for accuracy ;) However, despite all that I thought it was entertaining. I think it boils down to the fact that those girls just make me laugh, just them standing in a muddy field amuses me!?? Would I recommend it? Well probably not, I think you'd be better off getting an old Blackadder out, same type of jokes but at least they were original 15 years ago.

Doesn't work completely, but has merit

[neil-476 · 6/10 · 22 April 2013]

Three British sisters - a chieftaness, a loser, and a warrior, get involved with the invading Romans.

Ostensibly a feminist spoof of Gladiator, this is actually essentially a feature-length sketch from the Channel 4 sketch show Smack The Pony, providing a vehicle for the three women performers to do their thing. In practical terms, this means that Fiona Allen comes out best, since her warrioress demands underplaying: conversely the overacting of Doon Mackichan and Sally Phillips, which works quite well in the context of a sketch show, becomes irritating and downright exhausting after half an hour. The film is 89 minutes long, so draw your own conclusions.

The script is not bad, roaming between situation comedy, slapstick, wordplay, daftness, and wit. And, for a low budget film, it looks more expensive than it is, although you are unlikely to mistake it for a big budget blockbuster.

Very silly, very funny but probably to subtle for most.

[chatfan · 9/10 · 3 April 2008]

This is a very funny movie. Just finished watching it and can only say I was pleasantly surprised. It is full of little jokes, but unlike the moronic "meet the Spartans", these jokes are clever. Typical English wordplay and silly modern day parallels and plays on pretty much every cultural stereotype. It seems like this movie is full of strong fun roles for women and the guys just don't really count.

Italians speaka lika da pizzamanna.. its actually funny to see in a movie like this and Celtic warrior women looking for love in a very "special" way.

Considering the crap thats been coming out of Hollywood and labeled "comedy" its hard to imagine this one got overlooked.

Great British Humour. Under rated to the Maximus.

[stones-7 · 10/10 · 18 February 2006]

Great British Humour. Under rated to the Maximus.

I think this movie is hilarious. If you're well versed in History or the Roman Empire, you will get a good laugh out of this.

Gladiatress starts of as a typical British comedy, of the likes I haven't seen since Monty Python.

It's set in Britain, around the fall of the Gaul's and Caesars' interest in Britain grows. As he investigates further, he hears warrior princesses run Britain. He has to see this!! So, the story focuses on a little British tribe with pathetic men and Warrior women as leaders. Great show for you women out there. The story centers around 3 sisters, "Dwyfuc" the princess warrior of the tribe, "Worthaboutapig" who's worth about a pig, not less than a pig!! And "Smirgut the Fierce" who's loosing her fierceness because of childbirth.

When the Romans kidnap "Dwyfuc", her sister "Worthaboutapig" gets chosen to get her back. When "Smirgut the Fierce" helps her, there adventures land all 3 sisters in the gladiator ring facing "Schlaffwaffe The Goth". From there the plot just thickens!!

Worth About A Pig Roolz

[warlock-39 · 10/10 · 18 February 2006]

This Little piece of humour history will have you rolling about the floor laughing your head off - oops - perhaps not quite the right choice of words but.....

If you want something original that isn't the same old tired plot line, with fresh actors and actresses who deliver their lines with sheer delight - then this is for you - Be different - take a chance - you wont regret it!!!

I think that so many of the new films are all taking the "safe" way forward, and I cant blame them, but taking a real risk on a totally different idea shows conviction and courage - and I feel that the whole team that worked on this deserve credit as I'm sure you will too!!!! Regards Dave

Excellent spoof. Asterix the Gaul meets Carry On.

[Fudge-3 · 9/10 · 25 April 2013]

British humour - if you don't get British humour your face will be like, 'huh?' all the way through. Test: "Dyslexic man walks into a bra," subtract 4 if you went, 'huh?'.

Excellent production values with just a few odd scene shifts, nice score and the jokes are maintained through to the end. Good characterisation and plot that makes you care about this mad alternate Roman world. This is what happens when a good group of actors are pooled together and told, 'It's a pantomime - go for it.'

There are some great pastiche characters; the Picts are perfect and I loved the queen, 'Excellent war, well done, carry on.'

Refreshing!

[sweavo · 8/10 · 26 April 2013]

Slightly weak, but funny and delightful movie clearly written by and for British geeks. Don't expect Hollywood production values, or Hollywood tropes in this movie. The movie is full of funny observations on life in British culture, and being a woman. I disagree that this movie is missing wit, but I think it needs a bit of wit from the watcher.

I think the movie was let down by its packaging, as the kind of people who will enjoy it will not likely select that cover.

Could end up as a cult favourite, backed by fans who enjoy what's unique about this movie.