If you've ever seen this movie, you probably know what I'm talking about. In a short summary, it can easily be said that NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE!!! There's some refueling, some schmoozing amongst the officers, more refueling, officers swimming in a pool wearing "poopie suits", (I didn't make that up) still more refueling, and Robert Dornan (yes, the congressman). As they say in the MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode guide, I have no idea to whom this movie would appeal to. It was probably meant to be shown on various Air Force bases, but somehow it turned up on national TV in a particular episode of MST3K. This is one movie that never deserved to see the light of day. It is really bad, but if you really want to laugh at it, do not watch it without the presence of Mike and the 'bots.
42 Reviews
The worst line in movie history
bobbyknightmare29 September 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Never mind the idea of making Bob Dornan and action movie star, but this boring snoozefest contains what has to be the worst line ever said in movie history.
Dornan is "romancing" a typical Midwest farmgirl and listening to her talk about raising corn. At the end, Dornan tries to make time with her by saying...
...ready for this?
Are you sure?
Seriously, you can stop now.
OK, I warned ya...
"...I always knew sex could be corny, but who knew corn could be so sexy?"
AAAAUUUUURRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!
Just a piece of advice for film makers. The day-to-day operations of the typical military base or unit usually doesn't make very riveting viewing. Trust me, I know firsthand.
Dornan is "romancing" a typical Midwest farmgirl and listening to her talk about raising corn. At the end, Dornan tries to make time with her by saying...
...ready for this?
Are you sure?
Seriously, you can stop now.
OK, I warned ya...
"...I always knew sex could be corny, but who knew corn could be so sexy?"
AAAAUUUUURRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!
Just a piece of advice for film makers. The day-to-day operations of the typical military base or unit usually doesn't make very riveting viewing. Trust me, I know firsthand.
Wow, just...wow. What the hell is going on here?!?!?
lemon_magic10 September 2005
Bob likes to fly jet fighters. His father the general thinks that Bob should fly bombers instead. But Bob just wants to fly fighters. Meanwhile, an Iowa farm-girl sets Bob's loins aflame with her lusty descriptions of detasseling corn in the summer, and they fall in love because "you are so the only person of the opposite sex around here." Dekalb Debbie promises to wait for Bob, and he ships out to Europe. Take out all the refueling and training footage, and there you have "Starfighters".
My own particular theory about "Starfighters" is that it was a vanity production for Bob Dornan. But no one could be bothered to write an actual screenplay for this vanity production. And there was only room in the budget for 20 minutes of actual filming. So they made a little mini-feature called "Bob Dornan, Boy Fighter Pilot", which consisted of nothing but set shots of Bob and his buddies standing around jawing about how cool jet fighters are and how much they like to fly them (and of course, how great Bob is at flying fighters).
And then Bob (or someone) called in some favors, and several film editors on angel dust were forced to sit around for a couple weeks and assembled all the available stock footage about refueling and Air Force training exercises that ever existed. They then spliced in the 20 minutes of "Bob Dornan, Boy Fighter Pilot", and hoped for the best. Or at least, hoped not to be later tried as war criminals.
There could be a "real" movie in there about a young fighter pilot's coming of age and learning the tricks of the trade. In fact, there have been several ("Top Gun", anyone?). This also could have been a pretty fascinating documentary on the same subject.But "Starfighters" isn't either of those things. In fact, I can't can't even tell you what it is, aside from an exercise in tedium and padding.
In any case, "Starfighters" is horrible, but in a harmless, benign way. I suppose the best use for it would be as 'video wallpaper', the kind of movie that plays on the TV in the background of a REAL movie. Mystery Science Theater had a good go at this, and their coverage is reasonably amusing, but it's rough going even with their company. Watch "Starfighters" only if you are in a REALLY weird mood indeed. What mood would that be? You'll know when you have it....words can't describe it.
My own particular theory about "Starfighters" is that it was a vanity production for Bob Dornan. But no one could be bothered to write an actual screenplay for this vanity production. And there was only room in the budget for 20 minutes of actual filming. So they made a little mini-feature called "Bob Dornan, Boy Fighter Pilot", which consisted of nothing but set shots of Bob and his buddies standing around jawing about how cool jet fighters are and how much they like to fly them (and of course, how great Bob is at flying fighters).
And then Bob (or someone) called in some favors, and several film editors on angel dust were forced to sit around for a couple weeks and assembled all the available stock footage about refueling and Air Force training exercises that ever existed. They then spliced in the 20 minutes of "Bob Dornan, Boy Fighter Pilot", and hoped for the best. Or at least, hoped not to be later tried as war criminals.
There could be a "real" movie in there about a young fighter pilot's coming of age and learning the tricks of the trade. In fact, there have been several ("Top Gun", anyone?). This also could have been a pretty fascinating documentary on the same subject.But "Starfighters" isn't either of those things. In fact, I can't can't even tell you what it is, aside from an exercise in tedium and padding.
In any case, "Starfighters" is horrible, but in a harmless, benign way. I suppose the best use for it would be as 'video wallpaper', the kind of movie that plays on the TV in the background of a REAL movie. Mystery Science Theater had a good go at this, and their coverage is reasonably amusing, but it's rough going even with their company. Watch "Starfighters" only if you are in a REALLY weird mood indeed. What mood would that be? You'll know when you have it....words can't describe it.
Watch it only if you're an F-104 fan.
genedigennaro12 April 2007
I am an F-104 Starfghter nut. It is my favorite aircraft.
This film had the opportunity to be a real interesting film, since the F-104 was a very high performance jet fighter. There could have been scenes showing the airplane's incredible climbing ability to 75,000ft or more. Perhaps a few scenes of zero length launches from a flat bed trailer. For some light moments perhaps some banter between the international pilots and USAF pilots would show a humorous cultural barrier. Much like "Breaking the Sound Barrier", this film could have been a real cult movie for aviation buffs. However that chance was wasted, the slow pace and boring dialog make this hard even for me to watch.
If you like '104s keep the fast forward button handy.
By the way, "poopysuit" is a a nickname for an anti-exposure suit. It's worn by pilots when flying over cold water.
This film had the opportunity to be a real interesting film, since the F-104 was a very high performance jet fighter. There could have been scenes showing the airplane's incredible climbing ability to 75,000ft or more. Perhaps a few scenes of zero length launches from a flat bed trailer. For some light moments perhaps some banter between the international pilots and USAF pilots would show a humorous cultural barrier. Much like "Breaking the Sound Barrier", this film could have been a real cult movie for aviation buffs. However that chance was wasted, the slow pace and boring dialog make this hard even for me to watch.
If you like '104s keep the fast forward button handy.
By the way, "poopysuit" is a a nickname for an anti-exposure suit. It's worn by pilots when flying over cold water.
Before there was "Top Gun" there was STARFIGHTERS!!!
Aaron13752 April 2008
Though it does kind of play out like Top Gun in certain ways, I am guessing this one did not inspire the more successful and known film in the least. This film was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and is essentially almost a commercial for the Starfighter jet. I almost think this was supposed to simply be a short explaining the virtues of said jet, but the director got out of hand and it ended up being a movie. Well, something that sort of resembles a movie in a minimalist sort of way. I mean, there are scenes featuring more than stock footage of these jets flying and doing things. There is some dialog in there and a romantic subplot! In the end though it all seems to be pointing towards the virtue of this particular jet and of small jet fighters in general. It's almost as if the military were going to mass market these bad boys to the public or something. Though I guess in the end this film was also trying to get more young men into the air force by saying, "Look here! We've got awesome jets to fly and you can get a nice girl who was raised on a corn farm, now listen to some more easy listening music and watch us refuel!"
The story, well, hard to pinpoint it. Let's just say, the Coleman Francis film, "Skydivers" had more of a plot going on than this thing. In the end, we watch a refueling scene and then three new pilots come to the base to train on the jet of the title. We watch them train by flying around, dropping bombs, shooting missiles and blasting their machine gun. Then they give us more refueling as it seems like their fall back or something. They try to generate excitement and peril with a lame wheels may have malfunctioned and then have an off screen storm and crash, but the film is rather tame and ends in very anticlimactic fashion as the pilots try their poopie suits and then just take off again and fly away.
This made for a very funny episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 as this film was just so pointless and riddled with elements to riff. One can be pretty sure that you are not missing much of the movie for the show either as it only clocked in at 1 hour and 19 minutes, meaning that the fact the film is all over the place is not due to editing down for the show. You have your long drawn out training sequences to make fun of with easy listening music, a very tepid romance subplot that is obviously just something to give one a break from those plane sequences and you have the poopie suit!
So, yeah, this film is not going to be a favorite of many people. I know people like other films that the gang have riffed, but I just do not see adult, kid or anybody sitting down to this film and going, "Wow, this is amazing! I sure want to fly those jets!" So I do not think anyone's feelings will be hurt when I say this one is bad, even Manos Hands of Fate had more semblance of a plot than this thing! Just a long look into how the air force trains their guys on jets with a totally weak finish. I wonder how many of those Starfighter jets they managed to sell to the public?
The story, well, hard to pinpoint it. Let's just say, the Coleman Francis film, "Skydivers" had more of a plot going on than this thing. In the end, we watch a refueling scene and then three new pilots come to the base to train on the jet of the title. We watch them train by flying around, dropping bombs, shooting missiles and blasting their machine gun. Then they give us more refueling as it seems like their fall back or something. They try to generate excitement and peril with a lame wheels may have malfunctioned and then have an off screen storm and crash, but the film is rather tame and ends in very anticlimactic fashion as the pilots try their poopie suits and then just take off again and fly away.
This made for a very funny episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 as this film was just so pointless and riddled with elements to riff. One can be pretty sure that you are not missing much of the movie for the show either as it only clocked in at 1 hour and 19 minutes, meaning that the fact the film is all over the place is not due to editing down for the show. You have your long drawn out training sequences to make fun of with easy listening music, a very tepid romance subplot that is obviously just something to give one a break from those plane sequences and you have the poopie suit!
So, yeah, this film is not going to be a favorite of many people. I know people like other films that the gang have riffed, but I just do not see adult, kid or anybody sitting down to this film and going, "Wow, this is amazing! I sure want to fly those jets!" So I do not think anyone's feelings will be hurt when I say this one is bad, even Manos Hands of Fate had more semblance of a plot than this thing! Just a long look into how the air force trains their guys on jets with a totally weak finish. I wonder how many of those Starfighter jets they managed to sell to the public?
Stock footage away!!
icehole411 April 2002
This film probably gathered every piece of stock footage the US Air Force had to offer at the time. I think the producers thought "we have lots of cool stock footage. We don't need things like plot, character development, and the like." Sadly, this film will never amount to anything, just like the hero of the film, a son of a Congressman.
More effective than Nytol
InzyWimzy14 April 2011
Wait, this isn't the prequel to the Last Starfighter?
How can such a cool sounding title be such a snorefest? The Starfighters is an effective medium for convincing people not to join the Air Force! The whole soundtrack made it feel like the only thing missing was a narrator saying "It's a Swinger's Life in the Air Force." It seemed odd to have such a swinging jazzy score during the bombing runs (dig those spinning explosives, you crazy hep cat!). If your interests include a whole lot of saluting, a commanding officer inappropriately calling his subordinates 'good-looking', fifth wheeling, innuendos galore, one of the goofiest whirlybirds ever invented, and extended stock footage, then maybe you can hire...the Starfighters.
How can such a cool sounding title be such a snorefest? The Starfighters is an effective medium for convincing people not to join the Air Force! The whole soundtrack made it feel like the only thing missing was a narrator saying "It's a Swinger's Life in the Air Force." It seemed odd to have such a swinging jazzy score during the bombing runs (dig those spinning explosives, you crazy hep cat!). If your interests include a whole lot of saluting, a commanding officer inappropriately calling his subordinates 'good-looking', fifth wheeling, innuendos galore, one of the goofiest whirlybirds ever invented, and extended stock footage, then maybe you can hire...the Starfighters.
No plot, no story... great fun!
el_Gusano4 May 2005
I've watched this movie several times, and I have yet to detect a hint of a plot or a storyline. What could be better?!? Grab some popcorn and take the time to enjoy this stroll in this mindless wonderland!
Not only do you get to see "B-1 Bob" Dornan, but a whole bunch of other people... Well, this movie isn't the worst movie of all time; that honor would have to go to Manos: The Hands of Fate. At least "The Starfighters" had a few actors that were in other movies. Besides B-1 Bob, there are a couple of actors with 3 movie credits to their honor.
Needless to say, most of the cast didn't really go anywhere in Hollyweird. If you watch this movie and you detect a hint of a plot or storyline, please drop me a line and let me know about it.
What a great way to waste an evening!
Not only do you get to see "B-1 Bob" Dornan, but a whole bunch of other people... Well, this movie isn't the worst movie of all time; that honor would have to go to Manos: The Hands of Fate. At least "The Starfighters" had a few actors that were in other movies. Besides B-1 Bob, there are a couple of actors with 3 movie credits to their honor.
Needless to say, most of the cast didn't really go anywhere in Hollyweird. If you watch this movie and you detect a hint of a plot or storyline, please drop me a line and let me know about it.
What a great way to waste an evening!
To Blandly Go . . .
alphahawk19992 June 2006
Warning: Spoilers
This movie was made. That's about it.
Actually this movie should have less than one star. The story arc looks like this: .......'........'..... The bumps indicate the two and only two scenes that were supposed to provide tension - namely, the "hydraulics problem" and the "weather system" problem.
Too bad the hydraulics problem turned out to be a no-plotter, and too bad the weather system problem did not itself show up on the film.
Despite that there existed a conflict between one fighter pilot and his father, this conflict was poorly explored at best. See, the married couple who have no conflict of interests. Thrill as every minute of refueling is splashed across the screen.
All shown in graphic blandness.
Actually this movie should have less than one star. The story arc looks like this: .......'........'..... The bumps indicate the two and only two scenes that were supposed to provide tension - namely, the "hydraulics problem" and the "weather system" problem.
Too bad the hydraulics problem turned out to be a no-plotter, and too bad the weather system problem did not itself show up on the film.
Despite that there existed a conflict between one fighter pilot and his father, this conflict was poorly explored at best. See, the married couple who have no conflict of interests. Thrill as every minute of refueling is splashed across the screen.
All shown in graphic blandness.
Makes Top Gun look like Twelve O'Clock High
straker-111 March 2011
Warning: Spoilers
Lockheed's F-104 Starfighter, backbone of the USAF's Tactical Fighter Command during the mid-60s. Known as the 'Missile With A Man In It', this speedy jet had a few drawbacks to go with its' plusses. Firstly, it had a truly appalling safety record, which apologists to this day try vainly to claim was undeserved. Secondly, the plane's massive turbojet engine, pencil fuselage, ponderous loaded weight and ultra-thin wings (incapable of containing gas tanks) meant that the 104 tended to run out of fuel about three minutes after take-off. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, the Starfighter proved to be completely unsuited to the combat situations it was required to fight in during the 60s. Though able to carry ground attack weapons of considerable punch, there was no getting around the fact that the F-104 was not suited to the sort of warfare called for in Vietnam. Hence, this swift but dangerous false economy with wings was soon eclipsed by more versatile types employed in the Indo-China conflict.
It would seem that Lockheed and TAC were aware of the plane's numerous shortcomings, and thus we have an explanation of why 'The Starfighters' was made. Nothing else other than a PR campaign to paint the plane as not the colossal waste of time and money it proved to be explains the existence of a film like this. As so many other reviewers have said, there is nothing to recommend this film at all on any level. It has no story to speak of, the acting is slightly below third-rate community theatre standard, half of the runtime is extremely dull stock footage, and the whole thing just radiates pointlessness and redundancy from every frame.
The plot, such as it is, follows the 'adventures' of three TAC pilots assigned to George AFB to learn the ropes of flying Lockheed's new air superiority fighter. Our 'hero', Lt. John Witkowski Jr, is under pressure from his Congressman father to quit TAC. Witkowski Snr, who flew B-17s over Germany in WW2 and somehow managed to not only father at least one child but also join the Air Force and the Federal government without anyone noticing he was a ludicrously camp homosexual, wants his kid behind the wheel of a B-52 or B-58. But Junior's only interested in flying fighters, Daddy-o...oh, and he doesn't like talking about flying when off duty. He's that hard. He's a ginger Charlie Sheen. That's how John Witkowski Jr rolls, and you'd better learn that fast! The boys practise in-flight refuelling (a very tricky feat which this film tries to pretend is easy to do) and knock seven bells out of various decoy targets with a variety of weapons - inbetween extended and numerous bouts of heavy drinking, amphetamine use and extremely strange telephone pranks. Johnny's life becomes a bit more complicated when he's assigned a girlfriend (presumably from the base's general woman pool) and then involved in a heart-stopping crisis where his plane's undercarriage malfunctions very slightly. Then there's some more refuelling practise, and a snafu during a training flight that involves a never-seen storm causing a never-seen F-104 crash. After that, the trio and their squadron chums put on "poopy suits" and muck about in a swimming pool for a while, before packing up and leaving for Europe. The end.
I'm a warplane buff, big time, but even I was sent to sleep by the endless dull stock footage. Nothing even remotely exciting happens at any point; even the makers seemed to know this, which is why the moments that could by a massive leap of faith be portrayed as 'action sequences' are overlaid with 40s big band music or tootling cod jazz.
Let us turn our attention to the 'actors' and 'plot'. Playing our hero, John W Witkowski, is Robert Dornan, who was a (very poor) fighter pilot in real life and later became a (grotesquely bigoted) US Congressman -just like his screen Dad! Despite having a mildly decent TV career, Dornan is not what anyone would call an actor, and he shows this very clearly here; but in all fairness no-one involved with the movie was in danger of an Oscar nod. Dornan's two wingmates comprise a smug misogynist with leathery skin, and a mentally subnormal Goober clone. It's hard to tell which of them is less hateful. Our heroes are trained by Maj. "Madge" Stevens - a man so modest and so bad at his job he admits at one point that a rookie who's only been in the F-104 for an hour can outfly him in it - and commanded by Colonel Hunt, a lumpy foul-tempered beef roast in a uniform who gets worryingly excited by delivering fascist tirades at Chamber of Commerce meetings. Under his command, our flying fools inhale scotch by the barrel, gulp handfuls of speed and swap big heaping buckets of clunky, lifeless dialogue. An entire three-minute scene is devoted to Witkowski's lady friend explaining how she used to work as a corn de-tassler in Iowa. And you thought Quarantine was intense!
Yes, this is a horrible, horrible movie, whose only purpose for existence seems to have been as a puff piece to be shown at air bases and to NATO countries who'd bought this speedy white elephant - and wanted to know why it kept crashing or running out of gas before it'd finished taxiing onto the runway. One of the best MST3K episodes, and easily one of the worst movies ever made in the English language. Boring, pointless, sexist, badly acted, psycho-right-wing propaganda drivel. GREAT fun to watch with some pals and your favourite snacks.
It would seem that Lockheed and TAC were aware of the plane's numerous shortcomings, and thus we have an explanation of why 'The Starfighters' was made. Nothing else other than a PR campaign to paint the plane as not the colossal waste of time and money it proved to be explains the existence of a film like this. As so many other reviewers have said, there is nothing to recommend this film at all on any level. It has no story to speak of, the acting is slightly below third-rate community theatre standard, half of the runtime is extremely dull stock footage, and the whole thing just radiates pointlessness and redundancy from every frame.
The plot, such as it is, follows the 'adventures' of three TAC pilots assigned to George AFB to learn the ropes of flying Lockheed's new air superiority fighter. Our 'hero', Lt. John Witkowski Jr, is under pressure from his Congressman father to quit TAC. Witkowski Snr, who flew B-17s over Germany in WW2 and somehow managed to not only father at least one child but also join the Air Force and the Federal government without anyone noticing he was a ludicrously camp homosexual, wants his kid behind the wheel of a B-52 or B-58. But Junior's only interested in flying fighters, Daddy-o...oh, and he doesn't like talking about flying when off duty. He's that hard. He's a ginger Charlie Sheen. That's how John Witkowski Jr rolls, and you'd better learn that fast! The boys practise in-flight refuelling (a very tricky feat which this film tries to pretend is easy to do) and knock seven bells out of various decoy targets with a variety of weapons - inbetween extended and numerous bouts of heavy drinking, amphetamine use and extremely strange telephone pranks. Johnny's life becomes a bit more complicated when he's assigned a girlfriend (presumably from the base's general woman pool) and then involved in a heart-stopping crisis where his plane's undercarriage malfunctions very slightly. Then there's some more refuelling practise, and a snafu during a training flight that involves a never-seen storm causing a never-seen F-104 crash. After that, the trio and their squadron chums put on "poopy suits" and muck about in a swimming pool for a while, before packing up and leaving for Europe. The end.
I'm a warplane buff, big time, but even I was sent to sleep by the endless dull stock footage. Nothing even remotely exciting happens at any point; even the makers seemed to know this, which is why the moments that could by a massive leap of faith be portrayed as 'action sequences' are overlaid with 40s big band music or tootling cod jazz.
Let us turn our attention to the 'actors' and 'plot'. Playing our hero, John W Witkowski, is Robert Dornan, who was a (very poor) fighter pilot in real life and later became a (grotesquely bigoted) US Congressman -just like his screen Dad! Despite having a mildly decent TV career, Dornan is not what anyone would call an actor, and he shows this very clearly here; but in all fairness no-one involved with the movie was in danger of an Oscar nod. Dornan's two wingmates comprise a smug misogynist with leathery skin, and a mentally subnormal Goober clone. It's hard to tell which of them is less hateful. Our heroes are trained by Maj. "Madge" Stevens - a man so modest and so bad at his job he admits at one point that a rookie who's only been in the F-104 for an hour can outfly him in it - and commanded by Colonel Hunt, a lumpy foul-tempered beef roast in a uniform who gets worryingly excited by delivering fascist tirades at Chamber of Commerce meetings. Under his command, our flying fools inhale scotch by the barrel, gulp handfuls of speed and swap big heaping buckets of clunky, lifeless dialogue. An entire three-minute scene is devoted to Witkowski's lady friend explaining how she used to work as a corn de-tassler in Iowa. And you thought Quarantine was intense!
Yes, this is a horrible, horrible movie, whose only purpose for existence seems to have been as a puff piece to be shown at air bases and to NATO countries who'd bought this speedy white elephant - and wanted to know why it kept crashing or running out of gas before it'd finished taxiing onto the runway. One of the best MST3K episodes, and easily one of the worst movies ever made in the English language. Boring, pointless, sexist, badly acted, psycho-right-wing propaganda drivel. GREAT fun to watch with some pals and your favourite snacks.
So bad, it's... bad.
Win-522 September 1999
I agree with Vegeta-2, except for the implication that the MST3k treatment makes this film watchable. They try, but even THEY run out of jokes - this is one tedious movie! And although I doubt that "Poopy Suit" is the real name of that outfit, nobody can understand what they're really calling it, so Poopy Suit it is. The most action you'll see in this movie is the pilots testing the poopy suit... in a swimming pool. (yawn)
Great Movie
thethreeamigos-131 May 2009
I have to disagree with almost all the negative comments here about this movie. I have seen it at least 500 times, possibly more, and each time I see it, I love it even more. Matter of fact, I usually sleep with it on in the background on low volume. Much like the days of old with the old time weather channel, where people would always play it in the background for stress relief. Of course now a days TWC is terrible.
At any rate, this movie was allot of fun. They tried on a limited budget to tell a story, and I think they did so as best they could. The music was great in it, the scenes of refueling were well done, a bit repetitive maybe, but still an overall good effort of what it was probably like out at George AFB in the early 60's. You have to understand the 60's at George was about as Dog & Suds as it could get. Not much to do but chase women (if any were available) play lame pranks on one another, and basically fly and run practice missions each day. The back story on the son of the VIP was effective at showing that Wikowski was his own man, and despite his fathers urging he was going to do his own thing. How different is that to today's realities with our own children? We all want the best for them and will bug hell out of them until we either get what we want or they get what they want.
The film itself was a simpletons view of that for sure, but effectively told nonetheless. As I said, its a great film from an earlier time. Sort of like a time capsule preserved, and I for one love the film, the old music, and the silly way they told the story. It's great MST3k fodder and a good story to fall asleep too. As I said, I have seen it at least 500 times, maybe 1000 times, and I am not from Iowa...
At any rate, this movie was allot of fun. They tried on a limited budget to tell a story, and I think they did so as best they could. The music was great in it, the scenes of refueling were well done, a bit repetitive maybe, but still an overall good effort of what it was probably like out at George AFB in the early 60's. You have to understand the 60's at George was about as Dog & Suds as it could get. Not much to do but chase women (if any were available) play lame pranks on one another, and basically fly and run practice missions each day. The back story on the son of the VIP was effective at showing that Wikowski was his own man, and despite his fathers urging he was going to do his own thing. How different is that to today's realities with our own children? We all want the best for them and will bug hell out of them until we either get what we want or they get what they want.
The film itself was a simpletons view of that for sure, but effectively told nonetheless. As I said, its a great film from an earlier time. Sort of like a time capsule preserved, and I for one love the film, the old music, and the silly way they told the story. It's great MST3k fodder and a good story to fall asleep too. As I said, I have seen it at least 500 times, maybe 1000 times, and I am not from Iowa...
See the best USAF stock footage of 1964
nuhc7 February 2011
I admit that I watched the MST3K version of this movie which possibly isn't really that fair, but to this movie it's the only way anyone could possibly watch it.
Let me give you a synopsis of this movie: Stock footage, stock footage, nothing happens, nothing happens, something about a congressman wanting his son to fly bombers instead of fighters, stock footage, nothing happens, anticlimactic scene with a hydraulic failure (with stock footage), nothing happens, nothing happens, stock footage, stock footage, nothing happens, "sex" scene where two couples cuddle in an open convertible, stock footage, stock footage, nothing happens, congressman calls again, stock footage, nothing happens, something about a "poopy suit," congressman calls again, stock footage, unseen fighter crash and anticlimactic helicopter rescue, nothing happens, another call from the congressman (didn't he have better things to do like vote on legislation or get involved in sex scandals with interns?), stock footage, the end. Oh, and Crow finally gets on the information superhighway.
This movie could have been so much more, but it was just so dull, dull, dull. I mean, how could a movie about fighter jets and pilots be boring to watch? They could have at least explained how the poopy suit got its name, but they didn't even bother to do that. I suppose the constant phone calls from the congressman about his son were supposed to be dramatic, but he soon became annoying. There was far more drama when Topper Harley had issues with his dad's image in Hot Shots! I was in the Air Force myself and my parents didn't call me as much during a four-year tour as this guy called in a two-hour movie!
I don't know if this movie still exists outside of MST3K, but I certainly hope not. I'd hate to have anyone try to watch it without wisecracking robots.
Let me give you a synopsis of this movie: Stock footage, stock footage, nothing happens, nothing happens, something about a congressman wanting his son to fly bombers instead of fighters, stock footage, nothing happens, anticlimactic scene with a hydraulic failure (with stock footage), nothing happens, nothing happens, stock footage, stock footage, nothing happens, "sex" scene where two couples cuddle in an open convertible, stock footage, stock footage, nothing happens, congressman calls again, stock footage, nothing happens, something about a "poopy suit," congressman calls again, stock footage, unseen fighter crash and anticlimactic helicopter rescue, nothing happens, another call from the congressman (didn't he have better things to do like vote on legislation or get involved in sex scandals with interns?), stock footage, the end. Oh, and Crow finally gets on the information superhighway.
This movie could have been so much more, but it was just so dull, dull, dull. I mean, how could a movie about fighter jets and pilots be boring to watch? They could have at least explained how the poopy suit got its name, but they didn't even bother to do that. I suppose the constant phone calls from the congressman about his son were supposed to be dramatic, but he soon became annoying. There was far more drama when Topper Harley had issues with his dad's image in Hot Shots! I was in the Air Force myself and my parents didn't call me as much during a four-year tour as this guy called in a two-hour movie!
I don't know if this movie still exists outside of MST3K, but I certainly hope not. I'd hate to have anyone try to watch it without wisecracking robots.
It's the Poopy Suit!
Vegeta-213 April 1999
Honestly, that's a line in the movie, if you can call this a movie. It's mostly stock footage of jets flying, landing, bombing, and roughly ten hours of refueling footage. The "plot" revolves around some leather-faced Air Force pilots training in new jets. That's it. Tedious doesn't come close to describing this film. Literally NOTHING happens. Nothing.Oh, and everyone in this movie has third degree sunburns and disturbingly lumpy faces. "Top Gun" it isn't. This is just a really bad movie. Be sure to look out for the Poopy Suit, a suit that somehow keeps you from drowning if you crash a jet into the ocean (not that that happens, because THAT would be interesting). The only way this is watchable is the Mystery Science Theater version, it's hilarious.
Why?
bensonmum26 May 2007
Warning: Spoilers
Why? Why make a movie like The Starfighters? My initial thought was that it might be some sort of "wave the flag, isn't the military great, wouldn't you like to join the Air Force" movie. But that can't be right. This thing is too deadly dull to inspire anyone to run out and enlist. Similar movies from the 40s, even though they were often as sappy as could be, at least provided some entertainment with their propaganda. That's not the case here. I defy anyone to find anything remotely entertaining in The Starfighters. I suppose there is some curiosity value in seeing a young B-1 Bob Dornan attempting to act, but I can't imagine watching this thing just to see the former congressman. I also defy anyone to watch The Starfighters without the aid of MST3K. Even these guys ran out of steam during the second, extended, monotonous, in-flight refueling scene. Usually, regardless of how bad a movie is, there are those who find something to enjoy and write reviews on IMDb supporting some facet of the movie. That doesn't appear to be true with The Starfighters. I went through both pages of reviews on IMDb and didn't notice anyone with a positive comment or a rating higher than a 2/10 for the Starfighters. It's just that bad!
That reminds me, I haven't even mentioned the plot. But there's a reason. The plot in The Starfighters doesn't really matter. The movie is 20% story and 80% stock footage of the Air Force's F-104 Starfighter. Can you make a movie entirely of stock footage? Director Will Zens sure gave it a go with The Starfighters.
That reminds me, I haven't even mentioned the plot. But there's a reason. The plot in The Starfighters doesn't really matter. The movie is 20% story and 80% stock footage of the Air Force's F-104 Starfighter. Can you make a movie entirely of stock footage? Director Will Zens sure gave it a go with The Starfighters.
but it does exist!
dplaunderville21 July 2007
OK the movie is crap, actually below crap--but it does EXIST! Not of real importance but to this writer who grew up as a kid in the early/mid 60's totally enamored of the F104 Starfighter--even to this day I love it's looks. I saw this movie on TV as a child..probably Ch 2 or 36 in the San Francisco Bay Area...as I was all of 9 or 10 the 'bad' aspects of the film, acting and phony sets went right over my head--I just remember seeing F104 footage and that is what I wanted...Later in life I mentioned the film to movie and jet buffs alike who all said I was nuts..no such flick every existed nor shown on TV. Thank you MST3k--watching it again many years back on MST3k showed me just how crappy the thing was (looking back I still wish I saw things through the eyes of an 8 yr old at times)...but never mind--it existed...I hadn't been dreaming all those 30+ years..........
Why America is the greatest country on the planet!!
ticklemetorgo4 May 2004
The Starfighters is a brilliant MST episode but THE most perplexing film in non-MST form. I wonder if it was actually shown outside the realms of air bases. Something for strictly drive-ins? What was the director trying to show the audience and did he think the audience would be throughly entertained?
Bob Dornan is John W. Wikowski Jr, son of congressman John W. Wikowski (Sr.)who is actually Liberace's secret twin brother. He and Goober from the Andy Griffith Show go to George (not Larry) Air Force base to fly F-104 around, re-fuel forever, blow up white rectangles, wear poopie suits and fly to Europe. There's some annoying subplots involving a girlfriend from Iowa and their snuggling, some mundane conversations with big faced Major Stevens and his commanding officer and a crashed jet which is only implied, not seen. Director Will Zens went to great lengths to find as much stock footage as he can for this film due to the high salaries demanded by Dornan and Liberace. The poopie suits themselves took up most of the rest of the budget.
This was a tough film for MST since there is so much you can comment on in re-fueling scenes. This would have been an impossible film to sit through without Mike and the bots.
Bob Dornan is John W. Wikowski Jr, son of congressman John W. Wikowski (Sr.)who is actually Liberace's secret twin brother. He and Goober from the Andy Griffith Show go to George (not Larry) Air Force base to fly F-104 around, re-fuel forever, blow up white rectangles, wear poopie suits and fly to Europe. There's some annoying subplots involving a girlfriend from Iowa and their snuggling, some mundane conversations with big faced Major Stevens and his commanding officer and a crashed jet which is only implied, not seen. Director Will Zens went to great lengths to find as much stock footage as he can for this film due to the high salaries demanded by Dornan and Liberace. The poopie suits themselves took up most of the rest of the budget.
This was a tough film for MST since there is so much you can comment on in re-fueling scenes. This would have been an impossible film to sit through without Mike and the bots.
Quite honestly, the dullest movie ever made
MightyGorga19 July 2000
Well, folks, if you enjoy stock footage of planes refueling in mid-flight, then this is the movie for you. Otherwise, please stay as far away as possible. The "plot" stagnates, the actors sleepwalk through their roles (none of which includes more than about thirty seconds of dialogue), and planes get fuel, and that's about it. The best comment on this film comes from Crow, of MST3K-"What they don't tell you is that the script is eight pages long."
The worst movie I have ever seen. Nothing is even close.
anthonyjs9 May 2008
This movie had three colors in it:
Blue. The sky and the runways, as most of the movie was stock jet footage.
White. Every single actor/actress including extras.
Brown. The ground they attack for no reason.
Like the others mentioned, it is a good MST3K episode, but do not, under any circumstances watch the movie in its pure form, or your face will implode.
IMDb wants this comment to have at least ten lines. Why do I need my review to have ten lines? The script to this movie probably did not have ten lines.
Blue. The sky and the runways, as most of the movie was stock jet footage.
White. Every single actor/actress including extras.
Brown. The ground they attack for no reason.
Like the others mentioned, it is a good MST3K episode, but do not, under any circumstances watch the movie in its pure form, or your face will implode.
IMDb wants this comment to have at least ten lines. Why do I need my review to have ten lines? The script to this movie probably did not have ten lines.
My fellow Americans, this is your tax dollars at waste.
quamp6 May 2002
If you haven't figured this out by now, this film has more stock footage than you can shake a stick at. Well, actually, it has about 5 or 6 pieces of stock footage. They're just repeated... over and over and over. There was absolutely nothing to endear anybody in the cast to you, or make you hate anyone. Bad acting and bad all around.
AMAZING!!!!
Andy Sandfoss18 June 2000
...in that it is truly one of the most amazingly boring, pointless, poorly acted, poorly shot efforts ever. It doesn't even seem to have been scripted at all. This movie has no reason for existence. No point, no action (truly an accomplishment for a movie that purports to be about pilots!). As if Will Zens were bound and determined to squeeze every last drop of drama or interest out of the film before releasing it. Dornan managed to be more animated delivering one of his poisonous paranoid speeches in Congress. I don't think it accidental at all that Dornan lost his seat shortly after this stinkbomb showed up on MST3K and attracted public attention to just what an idiot Dornan could be.
Kiss the Sky
icaredor18 December 2010
If you're like me, and I know I am, then you've often wondered how much footage you could watch of planes refueling before you finally cracked. Luckily, this installment of MST will answer that question for you. If refueling doesn't do the job, Starfighters provides plenty of gripping talking-on-the-telephone-and-radio action to hold you in a vice-like stupor, tightened by the easy-listening jazz sound track.
This is an astonishingly dull movie from a director whose love of close-up shots runs to fetish. These giant head-shots are so startling on the small screen that I can only imagine the trauma they caused people who witnessed them in a movie theater, if, that is, anyone ever did. Director Will Zens can only be said to succeed with this film if he intended it as a metaphor for the sky: vast and largely empty.
This is an astonishingly dull movie from a director whose love of close-up shots runs to fetish. These giant head-shots are so startling on the small screen that I can only imagine the trauma they caused people who witnessed them in a movie theater, if, that is, anyone ever did. Director Will Zens can only be said to succeed with this film if he intended it as a metaphor for the sky: vast and largely empty.
Mr. Zens, you made this film. For God's Sake Why?
jim_snowden31 December 2003
I can't figure out who this film was meant for. It can't be a training film. You learn that the F-104 needs frequent refueling and that it can make mincemeat out of large, white rectangles, but that's as much technical information as you'll get. It isn't a gripping family drama, though there are a lot of scenes where Bob Dornan's father, Congressman Liberace, rings up his son and his commander to diss their fighter jets (it could have used a sort of, kind of Jazz Singer moment where the Congressman hears his son is flying jets instead of bombers, rips his clothes, and proclaims he has no son. That would have been something anyway). As for the romance...well, lets just say that the midair refueling scenes deliver more raw eroticism than any of these drunk, speed freaked pilots who troll the bars to pick up vapid Iowa chicks for nights of wild snuggling. My current theory is that this movie was some kind of commercial for the F-104 and the Tactical Air Command, though I'm still not sure who they're trying to sell it to (Congressmen? Pilots? The General Public?). With ads like this one, I'm surprised the Air Force doesn't have to hold bake sales to buy its bombers.
Empty as the skies the planes are in
drewamy3625 January 2009
A film that's clearly meant to be a big budget spectacular. Excpet they forgot the script. John Wikowski flies fighters. Cue F-104's blasting around the skies and the air base. Again and again and again. but he is conflicted, torn. Is it fear of the Cold War? The growing crisis in Vietnam? No, his father wants him to fly bombers and junior (he's actually called junior after his father's name) is distraught from congressman daddy's refusal to understand a boy's love for his fighter.
To get women to see this film and sell more tickets, there's a love story with little Johnny's girlfriend. But the producers don't really want this so they have interminable dialogue so as not goto distract from the mighty roar of the planes flying around again and again.
There are films which get made because the star has enough power to persuade the company or refuses to do another film until it is made. This feels like one of those. Its joy is the wonder that so little was stretched out to a movie.
To get women to see this film and sell more tickets, there's a love story with little Johnny's girlfriend. But the producers don't really want this so they have interminable dialogue so as not goto distract from the mighty roar of the planes flying around again and again.
There are films which get made because the star has enough power to persuade the company or refuses to do another film until it is made. This feels like one of those. Its joy is the wonder that so little was stretched out to a movie.
The Flying Leatherfaces
axeman-923 February 2009
Imagine if George Lucas had saved cash by not filming most of Star Wars, and instead had Luke sitting around in the desert getting sunburned while listening to Obi Wan occasionally mouth off about the old days. Then, at the end, his friend Biggs phones up and says they won by blowing up a Death Star. That's how exciting Starfighters is.
This movie appears to be a USAF public relations exercise gone awry. They obviously thought that a movie such as this would get the public on their side and boost recruiting, allowing them to buy more super-fast jets with a range apparently measured in yards. They then hired a director, gave him access to the stock footage bin and an airbase in the middle of nowhere, and waited for the magic to happen! However it came about this movie goes nowhere and does nothing, consisting mostly of a micro-cast of interchangeable sunburned Republicans getting in or out of jets between stock footage montages. The only conflict/action takes place over the phone or mentioned in passing, we certainly don't get to see it since the air force didn't film it. A tacked-on bit of love interest in the form of a double date with the only other girl in the movie does nothing to enliven it any.
Watch the MST3K version if you have to watch this movie at all. I like fast jets as much as the next guy, but I have my limits and this movie smashed them to smithereens. It's no Manos, but Lord it isn't good.
This movie appears to be a USAF public relations exercise gone awry. They obviously thought that a movie such as this would get the public on their side and boost recruiting, allowing them to buy more super-fast jets with a range apparently measured in yards. They then hired a director, gave him access to the stock footage bin and an airbase in the middle of nowhere, and waited for the magic to happen! However it came about this movie goes nowhere and does nothing, consisting mostly of a micro-cast of interchangeable sunburned Republicans getting in or out of jets between stock footage montages. The only conflict/action takes place over the phone or mentioned in passing, we certainly don't get to see it since the air force didn't film it. A tacked-on bit of love interest in the form of a double date with the only other girl in the movie does nothing to enliven it any.
Watch the MST3K version if you have to watch this movie at all. I like fast jets as much as the next guy, but I have my limits and this movie smashed them to smithereens. It's no Manos, but Lord it isn't good.
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