Movie starts out with a bunch of commercials, from the bowels of a Scientology network, that have a 'RoboCop' feel about them, but in a preachy evangelistic way.
This spaceman movie takes place in the Devo 3 System. That would be right next-door to the Flock of Seagulls space port in the Beautiful World quadrant.
A couple of latex-wearing daredevils, in the tradition of Bruce Willis' 'Armageddon,' are out setting detonation cannisters on a giant manure patty.
The mission is to cleanse deep space 3 from a deadly outbreak of faecal gooblies.
My mistake, it's deep space 9 apparently?
Forgetting that it's a movie based in outer space, a 'General Hospital' drama scene, accompanied by a sad piano solo, sees a couple mourning the loss of a child, from complications because of the airborne do-do matter.
Warren Jeffs plays the role of a karate police officer who purchases a $12 apple and ups the ante as all the homeless space people try to jack him for his expensive fruit. (Who's running this store - Disney?) The movie went from being about blasting floating turds out of space with gelignite, to cull airborne diseases, but now it's about a bunch of socialites standing around in a gentlemen's club sipping futuristic bubbly imported from the dark resources of Florida's Galaxy Edge Hotel.
Are there going to be any monsters in this? What's a space movie without alien creatures?
Apparently, Jeffs murders a fellow grazing officer and is then reassigned a mission elsewhere - planet Earth, here we come.
There are elements of 'Total Recall' about these early scenes.
They follow this up with a bit of Star Trek and Star Wars thievery thrown in as well.
The main actor in this, with the British/French accent, is worse than Van Damme.
He's robotic and has the charisma of a buried, lost city statue.
Movie takes an unexpected twist when Warren Jeffs turns into Madame Butterfly and starts floating around like a ballerina in his union suit.
While he's being a primadonna, a marauding pirate ship intercepts the Earth bound flight and they're just after financial advantage.
They're so many "light years" away from anything so where are you going to splurge forty billion dollars? And on what exactly? A new spaceship?
This crap's just 'Under Siege' in space.
Of course everyone stabs each other in the back at the end and reveal themselves to be scandalous while Warren Jeffs wins the girl over with his karate and "look at me" macho ways.
The graphics are about as good as The Backstreet Boys "Larger Than Life" space videoclip. (Did that thing make any sense? Great song, but horrendous videoclip.) Overall, and in the grand scheme of today's dire situation concerning entertainment, 'Velocity Crap' isn't the worst movie.
It was a touch better than all the space jargon I've been watching lately.
But that main actor is about enthused as a rusted C-3P0.
This spaceman movie takes place in the Devo 3 System. That would be right next-door to the Flock of Seagulls space port in the Beautiful World quadrant.
A couple of latex-wearing daredevils, in the tradition of Bruce Willis' 'Armageddon,' are out setting detonation cannisters on a giant manure patty.
The mission is to cleanse deep space 3 from a deadly outbreak of faecal gooblies.
My mistake, it's deep space 9 apparently?
Forgetting that it's a movie based in outer space, a 'General Hospital' drama scene, accompanied by a sad piano solo, sees a couple mourning the loss of a child, from complications because of the airborne do-do matter.
Warren Jeffs plays the role of a karate police officer who purchases a $12 apple and ups the ante as all the homeless space people try to jack him for his expensive fruit. (Who's running this store - Disney?) The movie went from being about blasting floating turds out of space with gelignite, to cull airborne diseases, but now it's about a bunch of socialites standing around in a gentlemen's club sipping futuristic bubbly imported from the dark resources of Florida's Galaxy Edge Hotel.
Are there going to be any monsters in this? What's a space movie without alien creatures?
Apparently, Jeffs murders a fellow grazing officer and is then reassigned a mission elsewhere - planet Earth, here we come.
There are elements of 'Total Recall' about these early scenes.
They follow this up with a bit of Star Trek and Star Wars thievery thrown in as well.
The main actor in this, with the British/French accent, is worse than Van Damme.
He's robotic and has the charisma of a buried, lost city statue.
Movie takes an unexpected twist when Warren Jeffs turns into Madame Butterfly and starts floating around like a ballerina in his union suit.
While he's being a primadonna, a marauding pirate ship intercepts the Earth bound flight and they're just after financial advantage.
They're so many "light years" away from anything so where are you going to splurge forty billion dollars? And on what exactly? A new spaceship?
This crap's just 'Under Siege' in space.
Of course everyone stabs each other in the back at the end and reveal themselves to be scandalous while Warren Jeffs wins the girl over with his karate and "look at me" macho ways.
The graphics are about as good as The Backstreet Boys "Larger Than Life" space videoclip. (Did that thing make any sense? Great song, but horrendous videoclip.) Overall, and in the grand scheme of today's dire situation concerning entertainment, 'Velocity Crap' isn't the worst movie.
It was a touch better than all the space jargon I've been watching lately.
But that main actor is about enthused as a rusted C-3P0.