Review of Only

Only (2019)
3/10
This was a stupid movie
11 July 2020
Warning: Spoilers
I'm sure whoever wrote this intended the ending to be filled with a profound meaning, but it's really just idiotic.

Essentially there is a comet which passes by Earth, some ash hits the atmosphere and a new virus infects people. The virus is fatal to women, but doesn't seem to hurt men. So the governments of the world start rounding up uninfected women to try and find a way to preserve humanity or whatever.

Like all pretentious films this begins in media res, so you have to suffer through an unnecessarily disjointed retelling of what is going on, but the story is so utterly basic that all the plot points are still telegraphed. I was playing Borderlands 3 while watching and managed to understand the story completely.

Telling the story in order here: Guy and girl are in love, girl's roommate comes home early after the comet thing happens and ash starts falling, she's sick, they take her to the hospital.

The boyfriend figures out what's going on while at the ER, steals hazmat suits and boy and girl go home. The ash is dangerous, yo.

The girl's father is some sort of medial expert from the UK, he tells boyfriend how to keep them safe. Boyfriend proceeds to virus proof the house. Boy and girl have to live in very rigid quarantine because the virus kills and stuff. Boy also builds a hidey hole to keep THE MAN from coming and taking the girl.

Things get tense, as they do during this kind of lock down. It becomes more and more clear that women are dying from the virus. Girl joins some sort of secure online message board and talks to other women. They share stories with each other for emotional support, and take photos when they are dying. Have to be secure to keep the girl from being snatched up by the government.

So at some point boy takes a test that confirms he is a carrier; he isn't ill but he can transmit the virus.

Time goes by, things get more tense due to girl not being able to go outside and do what she wants to do. She is basically a spoiled idiot who doesn't understand that if she DOES what she wants to do it will kill her. Boy and girl fight a lot because, well, not being able to do whatever she wants is somehow worse than dying.

The government in the UK finds her mom, sad time, dad tries to stop them from taking mom but get smacked for his efforts. Girl is UNDERSTANDABLY UPSET by this, but then throws a temper tantrum because boy sensibly reminds her that as much as she wants to call dad (he sent them a video) that will give them away.

Girl continues tantrum, throws boy out. Boy goes to give space, then finds girl goes onto roof and takes off hazmat suit, essentially damning herself...all because she values something trivial (going outside) over staying alive. She dumb.

(After this is where the movie starts, ish)

So the girl takes the test, she sick yo (QUELLE SURPRISE). THE MAN shows up so she hides in her hidey hole while they search everything. Eventually THE MAN (well, men, there are a couple at least) leave, but not before the one in charge tells the boyfriend "hey, you didn't need to hide her, we don't take the sick ones."

So boy and girl go on road trip so she can see a waterfall one last time. They stop at sketchy motel where an obvious trans person solicits the girl while the boy is off doing something (it seemed like he was paying for a room). Girl is dressed up like a boy, bind breasts with cloth and duct tape. Wears beanie. Sad trombone.

Next day boy and girl go to get supplies at a ransacked grocery store, there is a problem that isn't worth describing, they pass a diner and girl wants to eat breakfast inside instead of getting food to go. While in there we find out from a man on TV that there is a multi-million dollar reward for turning in live women. They want them eggs, yo.

(Now that I think about it the grocery store might have come before the motel, but who really cares?)

Girl starts bleeding from her ear, which is a sign the virus is progressing. Boy freaks out and they leave without paying...but a guy there is like, nah bro, I'll get the tab. NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL.

So the totally not suspicious guy follows them, with his son, to their camp site. The hang out, get tipsy and shoot at a tin can...and OF COURSE the guy can't hit it but when the girl tries she gets it on the first shot because yes we can or something.

Boy gets jumped by guy and son, they want the lady to turn her in for the bounty, she has a seizure or something, then, in the evening, strips and pretends to seduce the son, kills him with a rock. They then kill the dad. And nothing of value was lost.

So from there she's pretty much dead, having a bad time, they find the waterfall and he takes a photo of them together with the date written on her to show when she died. Of course, the argument that led to her going outside, and her going outside, play along with them making their way to the waterfall. It's supposed to be poignant but it isn't because she's a moron. The end.

So did that sound good to you? No? Yeah, it's a dumb movie about a basic moron who condemns herself to a slow death because she had to stay inside for a couple of months.
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