Bottom stinky barnacle of the hollowed out Turtle honey pot, this is surely a topmost contender for the worst and most bizarre Christmas special ever made, but I did laugh a lot one time so there's that fun to be had from it. There were so many lame unnecessary and darn weird touches like the inexplicable Jamaican accent and Michelangelo opera singing and how the Turtles could be so rude as to actually say that "Splinter's not athletic" when he's the very ninja master who trained them! These Turtles looked so bloody hideous with their permanent white toothed ear-to-ear grins! Ew they were Like nasty walking green ventriloquist dummies, the very worst out of any of the live-action versions of the Turtles that have ever been done, why in some scenes you could actually see the goddamn cables sticking out the backs of their heads! And poor Splinter looked absolutely horrendous, rather than looking like a rat, he looks more like that one nastiest most diseased completely bald scabby cat with poop all over it that crazy hermit cat hoarders always seem to have! The whole unabashed ~shameful~ laziness of this 'production' and how it was so bare bones and just presented itself for what it was just tickled me. I mean I'm not blind, it's a stinking waste of film, but I like the idea of something being so completely terrible yet because of that being kind of fun and hilarious at the same time that it could make you go "Hey I can get on board this sinking shipwreck, it's entertaining me!" It's short but you certainly feel every single one of those minutes.. It has to be seen to be believed really, it has a stupid story, annoying songs, the Turtles barely look like themselves, there's zero action, and the Turtles and the gaggle of super-happy kids that follow them around everywhere are so positive and goody-goody that you'll just wanna puke! It's sad too in a way that this was one of the last pitiful hurrahs of the Turtles original(and best) 90s popularity and that they were dragged through the mud with this, it feels like it's rubbing it in somewhere! Who knows, if it had been made three to four years earlier and had money and real effort behind it, it may have turned out to be something that was fun and festive to watch. As it is you're definitely laughing at it, not with! I may get a kind of enjoyment out of it now but it wouldn't have done anything for me as a kid, not even when I was loving the cartoon series and the movies and playing with the action figures, I really don't see how any self-respecting kid over the age of six would ever have admitted to liking this even if they did! Serious fans of the Turtles that don't particularly enjoy seeing them make complete green asses of themselves should probably avoid this nonsensical curio in their history, but if you do like to laugh at some of the craziest crap you've ever seen than by all means have at it and give it a look at least once, it's cheesy on several levels!
We Wish You a Turtle Christmas
(1994 Video)
"We wish you a year, filled with pizza, with cheese!" Yeah! Wait what the hell did he just say?
3 April 2017
Warning: Spoilers