My wife and I have been binge watching the old Charlie Chan films from the '30s and '40s. They are charmingly corny and seem to have laid the groundwork for every Scooby Doo story line that they ever did. There's been a murder in the Wax Museum and we're going to have to creep around in there at night searching for clues!! Scaaaarrryyy! As you might imagine a steady diet of this sort of film starts to leave you hungering for something a little more gritty and down-to-earth. At least that was the case with me. So I decided to watch "I, The Jury", just for kicks, baby. Now I have been aware of Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer for some time, although I have never read a single novel nor watched a Mike Hammer flick before, so I was a little curious to see what a Mike Hammer movie was like. I did a little research on the film before I downloaded it and read that it was the first attempt to bring the two-fisted Hammer to the silver screen. Great, I thought. Usually Hollywood's first attempts are always closest to the source material. I was somewhat familiar with who the character was supposed to be; a hard-boiled loner who'd been around the track more than a couple of times and seen plenty. I was picturing him as being portrayed by a middle-aged actor with a few lines in his face, maybe a scar on his cheek, y'know, having a face that would speak of tough choices and brutal encounters. The IMDb write up listed the actor who plays Mike in this flick as being one Biff Elliot. Never heard of him and who would take a Batman sound effect as his stage name anyway? When the movie started I couldn't have been more surprised. Biff looks like a baby, all smooth faced and cherubic. He looked like he should have been appearing next to Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland in some wacky high school musical! I'll give Biff credit; he tries with all his might to fill the character's shoes but, in the end, he is this movie's biggest flaw. And what a character Mike Hammer is! He's a slightly psychotic rogue with a hair-triggered temper. We're made aware of this fact in the opening scene where a reporter makes a flip remark to Mike as he's leaving the scene of the crime and he smashes him into the china cabinet. Here's the setup: it's Christmas time in the Big Apple and Mike's best friend catches a couple of slugs from a 45 as he's making out his Christmas cards. Mike shows up a short while later, having been summoned by the cops, and has a melt-down over the murder. The victim was a one-armed, former policeman who served with Hammer in WWII. He took the bayonet that was meant for Mike in the arm, which is why he only had one left. Anyway, Mike is furious and announces to the head detective that he's going to find his buddy's killer and put a 45 round in his rotten stinkin guts! Gee, Mike, maybe announcing to the police that you intend to commit murder isn't the best way to start a case! Knee jerk violence isn't Hammer's only character trait. Seems the dames can't resist him. Every babe in this flick, and there a plenty, wants Mike like your dog wants that Slim Jim that's slipped behind the couch pillows. There's Mike's smokin' hot secretary. There's a twisted couple of blonde twins who throw themselves at Mike whenever he shows up to ask them a few questions. And then there's the lady psychiatrist, who seems to have been treating every one of the suspects, as well as Mike's pal, for various complaints that are never elaborated on. She's the most smokin' and sultry of them all. Naturally Mike falls for her in a big way! As the movie rolls along Hammer gets to suck plenty of face but they never seem to take it any farther. This is 1957, after all, and there's not so much as a smidgen of bared flesh to be seen. There's a scene where Hammer is awoken from his bed by urgent knocking at his apartment door. He rises still wearing a shirt and tie! Whatta classy guy! As the story unfolds we are treated to quite a lurid tale indeed. The numbers racket, drug addiction and prostitution all figure prominently in the scheme of things. Mike gets to beat some guys up and takes a couple of beatings himself. (The next day there's nary a scratch on his baby face, natch!) In the end Hammer pumps that slug into the gut of the rotten stinkin' murderer, just like he said he would. The movie ends with Mike calling the police to report his act of murder while you run to the shower to wash this movie off of you! Charlie Chan and Mike Hammer inhabit two separate universes. In Charlie's world most people are basically honest and decent while Charlie himself is a tower of virtue. In Charlie's world criminals are and aberration. In Hammer's world most people are treacherous scoundrels and Hammer is none too clean and pure himself. In Hammer's world good guys, like his murdered buddy, who spent his days trying to help others, get gunned down in cold blood by the scum that they're forced to share the planet with. Both universes are laughable cartoons of reality, but that's where the fun comes from.
Review of I, the Jury
