About the most useless movie entertainment I can imagine is a comedy constructed in the form of a soft-core sex film, except without the sex. Or the comedy. That pretty much describes H.O.T.S. From its M*A*S*H* wannabe title to its wannabe actress Playmate cast, there just isn't much here to like. The girls are attractive, but all of them have just barely enough screen presence and acting chops to make it as porn stars, and this isn't porn, more is the pity. There are lingerie and bikini shots aplenty here but other than a topless touch football game about 90 minutes in, very little nudity or soft-core sex, despite the obvious come-ons in the box copy. If it were any tamer, it could be a made-for-TV movie. As a sex film it's a big tease with no happy ending, and as a comedy it simply has nothing to sell. The dialogue is leaden, and there is no hint of cleverness anywhere. Its construction is a simple string of vaguely related scenes that head toward resolutions that are obvious five minutes in and dull when they finally occur. The physical comedy is directed with no sense of timing and performed by people who have no flair for slapstick, and it all just falls flat and leaves you wondering what is the point of it all. The whole thing is handled with such careless incompetence that it makes REVENGE OF THE NERDS look like Noel Coward. Don't be fooled by what's on the DVD box.
