Review of Monster High

Monster High (1989)
1/10
Horrible in every way imaginable with literally no redeeming qualities!
6 February 2010
Bad movies can be hilarious! They can make us laugh or in some cases cry, and they later are remembered as hilarious cult gems that people quote in everyday life. That seems to be the ultimate goal of the awful film, and only certain movies ever make it to that level. Some make it to a much smaller cultish level of bad where friends gather to watch it and laugh, but most have never heard, nor want to, of the movie. Then there's movies like this. You start off saying, "Boy, I know this will be horrible, but I bet I'll get a good laugh!", and by a mere 20 minutes in you just pray this thing will be ending very soon. This is a very annoying, and awful movie, and the overload of humor results in an audience sensory overload where everything goes dead, except for boredom which stays very much alive.

Nerdy 35 year old student Norm is quite infatuated with foreign exchange student Candice Cain, but oh no!, the end of the world is coming! Mr. Armageddon, a voice modulated ugly middle aged creeper who molests and kills the students at this high school is going to end the world. This weirdo was freed from his prison by two flamboyant aliens, Dume and Glume, who go around this same school zapping people with their stupid looking guns. Meanwhile all kinds of crazy stuff happens at this school like a mummy coming to life, a killer pot plant, a tennis shoe monster, and many other ridiculous creatures.

It's hard to decide what to criticize first with this thing, so I'll go with the least discussed first. This movie has some truly unbearable music! It sounds like bad early 80s video game music, and made this cornball movie even more cornball than ever imaginable.

The acting in this is really bad, but compared to most other aspects of this movie, the acting is quite masterful. The actors are actually speaking with straight faces so they get ten points above the writers and director. The characters are stupid, and not funny in the least. There is a random narrator guy who apparently is Mr. Apacolypse's relative, and he is the most random unfunny guy ever, and the actual female narrator has a horrible speaking voice. She sounds like a voice over for a cheap early 90s VHS trailer.

Nothing about this movie is remotely funny in any way at all. The lack of plot makes this thing boring, the acting is atrocious the writing is also, and this movie nearly bored me to death. Don't see it!

My rating: BOMB out of ****. 84 mins. R for constant nudity, language, drug use and sexuality.
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