Review of Prime Evil

Prime Evil (1988)
2/10
Prime Awful
30 April 2009
Directed by Roberta Findlay Prime Evil is a straight to VHS abomination that is plagued by such a weak plot and bi-polar performances by the two leads, the walking dead Alexandra (Christine Moore) and the smarmy Thomas Seaton (William Beckwith), that you quickly realize why this was never released in theaters.

In 1349 a group of monks led by Brother Seaton denounce God for bringing the black death on to them and pledge allegiance to Satan. The pact comes with a price as the monks must sacrifice a blood relative every 13 years in order to remain immortal. Flash forward to modern day New England where the monks are alive and well and will apparently accept anyone into the fold including homicidal janitors. George Parkman's 13 year duty has arrived and promises to sacrifice his granddaughter Alexandra who was sold into child pornography by her father when she was six years old. Charming. This particular scenario pleases Father Seaton in such an oh so evil way that he replies, "Remember you get extra points if she's a virgin". I can't see Old Scratch himself devising a bonus point plan for his followers. What do you get with these bonus points? Longer life? More power? A free tank of gas? A side plot is thrown into the first fifteen minutes as a nun Angela volunteers to go undercover in order to expose the evil order. Her initiation consists of smashing ceramics and a change of wardrobe. Voila! Instant satanist! She doesn't factor in the movie again until the end. Alexandra soon becomes smitten with Father Seaton much to the consternation of her boyfriend Bill. When every person Alexandra has ever known mysteriously die her date with the devil arrives. Or at least date with the most evil muppet ever.

William Beckwith's performance as Thomas Seaton must have been the inspiration for Mike Myers's Dr. Evil. Every syllable he utters is dripping with "I'm so eeeeeeeeeevil". His character is more appropriate for an episode of Batman rather than late eighties horror. Christine Moore and her dopey Canadian accent sleepwalks the whole way as the utterly clueless Alexandra. The ending is on par with any junior high level production only with Prime Evil you don't have the benefit of missing algebra class. Rumor has it Satan himself denied any involvement in the movie and blamed it on his brother Beelzebub.
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