3/10
Thou Shalt Not Watch... Unless
30 January 2008
Story by Bruce Campbell, produced by Scott Spiegel, starring Sam Raimi, and directed by Josh Becker - the crew that made The Evil Dead. This is like a movie a couple of drunken friends would make over a weekend. Not a single thing is believable about it, from the main character's limp to the 30-year old they got to play a high school student. This is NOT a good movie, yet I can't call it totally un-enjoyable.

The story starts with some day-for-night, Midwest-for-Vietnam battle scenes in which Stryker gets his leg shot in a disastrous attack on an enemy village. This information could have been relayed quickly in any number of ways, but the first 20 minutes of the picture is devoted to this. It's all padding and has nothing to do with the rest of the movie, except for Stryker's fake limp and his Marine buddies showing up later on. Cut to Michigan years later. Stryker is coming back to his hometown at the same time a maniacal cult is cutting up the locals. But nobody notices until the Cult Leader (played by Spider-Man director Sam Raimi) kidnaps Stryker's potential girlfriend. Then he and his military pals bring on the violence.

The violence in this movie is so poorly executed, it's laughable. The squibs are visible underneath the actors' clothes, the blood is obviously red syrup, and the fight scenes are the least exciting I think I've ever seen. It's a rare movie that's so bad it's good (and funny). Most movies that people recommend for the same reason are usually so bad they're just bad. I don't expect anyone to rush out and see this based on it being a terrible movie. Most of the dialogue attempts to be taken seriously, but the occasional brilliantly stupid line comes up. "Don't touch the sacrificial fluids! Okey-dokey?" Or when the Cult Leader claims to be Jesus Christ reincarnated, Stryker simply replies, "No, you're not." It was all I could do to muffle my laughter and not wake up my roommates.

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