Review of Mallrats

Mallrats (1995)
1/10
Truly, genuinely horrible
1 May 2004
This movie is about two of the most unlikable, unsympathetic losers ever portrayed in recent memory. They get dumped by their girlfriends - really they should get dumped by the entire world. They are self-centered in the extreme, immature in the extreme, and incredibly annoying. The whole movie is based on a single gimmick: take an actual conversation, transcribe it into Microsoft Word, then use the thesaurus tool to replace every adjective with more obscure ones. That's it. It goes on without pause for the entire film - people talk about nothing in this "clever" way. I just saw the film last night and I honestly can't remember a single topic of any conversation that took place. Needless to say, the two main characters are beyond shallow. They don't have any personalities other than that they like video games, comic books, and they just will not stop talking - ever. Even though they never say anything. We're supposed to be impressed by the clever use of oddball words, for instance calling a pool table a "gaming table". Man, wouldn't you just love to sit through two hours of people doing this? Let me tell you, it makes Pauly Shore and his screwball take on Valley Girl talk seem enjoyable by comparison.

There are other characters: Shannon Doherty puts in a cameo. She's really the only likable character in the movie, and says about the only funny line. Some other girl who's name doesn't deserve to be remembered plays the other loser's girlfriend. She recites a few lines of dialog at the beginning, a few more towards the end. Another girl named Gwen starts out all right, she's like Kelly Bundy from Married with Children, except twice as slutty, but by the end of her part she's speaking via the thesaurus as well. Jay and Silent Bob? Jay is a stoner who acts like he's got to go to the bathroom really bad; Bob is just a fat idiot who spends the whole movie pointing his hand at things and trying to use "the force" to move objects. There's also a comic book writer who shows up to inject a large amount of padding into a scene. The head doofus asks him if that guy from the Fantastic Four who was made out of rock, well, was his you-know-what made out of rock as well? Is that wacky or what? Ha ha. This goes on and on.

Overall, this movie is flat out unwatchable. The special features on the DVD are a joke as well. It's advertised as having over an hour of deleted scenes. The first ten minutes of these deleted scenes consists of a film of an unused script. Actual film of the script, you know, hold the camera in front of the paper and slowly pan down. About two thirds of the "scenes" are the writer talking about the scenes. There's supposedly a trailer on the DVD as well - good luck trying to find it.
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