siebertws-06430 Reviews

Cowboy Bebop (2021)

Worst adaptation ever; one of the worst TV series ever.

[1/10 · 29 December 2023]

I only watched 8 episodes before bailing on this insultingly bad abortion adaptation of one of my favorite TV shows of all time. The Netflix version of COWBOY BEBOP is terribly written, idiotically plotted, and two of its three leads are badly miscast.

Former gangster turned bounty hunter Spike Spiegel is aged up two decades to suit John Cho, who tries hard but flops due more to the awful scripts than his own failings. Voluptuous inveterate gambler Faye Valentine is a completely different character here: a smug, selfish hateful one despite being played by an actress I've otherwise liked, Daniella Pineda. Mustafa Shakir as unfairly disgraced cop with cyber-arm Jett Black is much better cast and okay overall; the writing's so bad it's tough to tell.

The first episode is the best but it's still not very good. The opening sequence rips off the opening of 2001's COWBOY BEBOP: THE MOVIE, only on a much bigger narrative canvas with more action yet not nearly as engaging. The Netflix series continually steals and morphs storylines from the 26 episode 1998 anime series with varying levels of not-nearly-as-good. It also adds several new plots and subplots that all suck, most of all the ones relating to the villains.

But the worst of the worst is the dialog. The dialog in this thing is endless clank. The "Shower-Bath-Shower" exchange is seared into my cringe-consciousness.

Episode 7 with the con woman pretending to be Faye's mom is maybe the worst episode of any television series in history; it hurt me to sit through it. Episode 8 wasn't as bad, but it was still quite dire, and a couple people told me the last two episodes were the worst yet, so I gave up.

Even taking my opinion off the table, the facts speak for themselves: COWBOY BEBOP was one of Netflix's most watched first episodes ever and it had the biggest drop-off from first episode to completion of any series in Netflix history. It was cancelled less than three weeks after its launch, an unprecedented failure for Netflix. Not worth your time, not worth anybody's time. At least they learned from their mistakes and did a much better job with ONE PIECE.

A Haunting in Venice (2023)

Spooky Mystery from Kenneth Branagh

[6/10 · 1 October 2023]

Decent mystery with several spooky moments. Middle section of the film is the best, after the setup and before Poirot really starts to put the pieces together. Venice looks great, the old house where the seance and then murder take place is suitably haunted looking.

Branagh as the legendary Agatha Christie detective Hercue Poirot remains appealing and gets to deliver some good pointed lines and evolve as a character, but it's definitely an alt-world Poirot; he'll never top David Suchet. Rest of the cast is a mixed bag; Tina Fey is Tina Fey in the 40s, she's not really playing a character. The precocious wiser-than-his-years kid canard I could've done without. Michelle Yeoh does the best.

The mystery gets solved, I guess it was halfway credible. The journey was more fun than the destination. I enjoyed it mildly.

The Invention of Lying (2009)

The Law of Inversion

[1/10 · 3 February 2019]

One of those upside-down movies that bends over backwards to flip things to make them look the opposite of what they really are. Tries super-hard to make you think of lying as a good thing, which is of course what any bad person would want you to think. A couple decent laughs, but the whole central premise is sour and fundamentally dishonest.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017)

The Most Beautiful Movie I've Ever Seen...and one of the worst casts

[6/10 · 27 January 2019]

Saw "Valerian" three times in the theater, on the biggest screen I could find, twice in TitanXC, and it was a stunning visual achievement, the most beautiful movie I've ever seen and I have seen thousands and thousands (328 in one year alone, 1997, when I was a professional film critic). Not only does it look great, it is crammed full of ideas, from its jaw-droppingly gorgeous prelude on a doomed planet; to "Big Market," a stunning 4D marketplace that is the film's best sequence; to the underwater octopus hunt; and so on. On the directing, cinematography and special effects front, the film is among the most elite ever produced.

But the cast--whoo boy. She's bad but he's much worse. Nothing good can be said. The plot and look speed along fast and excitingly enough for the first 2/3, but the film goes off the rails in the last act, which only amplifies the flat emotional finishes between the two leads.

DD and CD have zero chemistry and their romantic banter is well below comic book level--leaden would be a step up. It's frustrating, because better casting could've made this a contender, a French big budget franchise player at the global box office. Instead the two charisma-free duds below the title made this one of the biggest bombs of 2017.

If you didn't see this movie in the theaters, you missed out. If you've only seen it on TV, you just won't get the same feel. Hopefully someday this film gets a revival in theaters the way "The Fifth Element" did, except "The Fifth Element" was actually a pretty good movie and had an important movie star element in Bruce Willis (and Gary Oldman and Chris Tucker)--a much better cast movie.

Commando (1985)

Entertaining But Not Very Good

[6/10 · 8 October 2018]

I remember liking and laughing at this movie a lot when it first came out and saw it for the second time, this time w/ my teen son, and we both came away with the same impression.

Movie moves fast, has a couple good action sequences (all early), and as early era Arnie B-movie fits the bill. But the cheapness is obvious in a few spot, there are a ton of plot holes and the big shootout at the end is so ridiculous and goes on so long that it actually gets kind of boring (though the round blade tossing is pretty epic).

I did enjoying the reminder of how appealing an actress Dawn Rae Chong was. Whatever happened to her?

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Title battle makes it worth it, otherwise awful

[5/10 · 18 September 2018]

Bad script, worse acting but fantastic set design, special effects and action sequences make this worth a watch, just barely.

Saana Latham hugely miscast as badass heroine, and the Italian scientist dude no better. Lance Henrickson and a bunch of somewhat familiar character actors become fodder in this mostly by-the-numbers comic book of a movie.

But the two extended AvP battle sequences and a few perils on the Antartica ice are hugely exciting and good as you want them to be and maybe that makes it worth it. I thought so.

I Feel Pretty (2018)

Miss Piggy's Worst Yet

[1/10 · 21 August 2018]

Excruciatingly unfunny "message" comedy that wants to have it both ways so bad that it ties itself in knots and strangles itself. It's supposed to make us realize that confidence is sexy but the way the story plays out is ridiculous and unconvincing. Amy Schumer has worn out her welcome and this role is like the combo of all her worst and most smugly annoying tendencies. Predictable, hokey, not entertaining.

See Dad Run (2012–2019)

Scott Baio Needs to be Brought Low

[1/10 · 30 July 2018]

Just not a believable dad in this role. His performance gives off a psycho vibe, like we only see one side of his schizophrenic personality but the evil madness leaks through anyway. You shudder for his daughters.

Skyscraper (2018)

Derivative & Cliched, a couple cool big budget action sequences

[3/10 · 17 July 2018]

Poor man's dumbed down "Die Hard" with the Rock doing his schtick in the John McClain role and his whole family in trouble instead of just the wife. Predictable, mostly stupid, a couple undeniably exciting sequences.

Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)

How Disney Killed the Golden Goose

[3/10 · 5 June 2018]

Not a bad movie but a terrible "Star Wars" movie that seems to actually have contempt for the original films, all its characters, and the audience that loved them both.

Chances are you already know all that's wrong with it, you don't need me writing about it here. But it's just bizarre, bordering on perverse, how much the film seems to relish ruining everything that came before it.

It's also very poorly acted, from people you'd expect to do better, like Laura Dern and Carrie Fisher.

"The Phantom Menace" and "Attack of the Clones" are actually worse and far more boring films than "The Last Jedi," but not nearly as hateful. There's just something really foul, wrong and misanthropic about "The Last Jedi," like it holds contempt and derision towards the very people for whom it was being made.

Very, very strange film. Good effect, though.

Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)

Enjoyable Escapism but Nothing Special. Miscast, Poor Cinematography.

[6/10 · 5 June 2018]

"Solo" is nothing special, it probably falls just about right in the middle of the "Star Wars" franchise. It drags badly in spots, but has its moments. But what surprised me the most was what I did and didn't like, and how it completely upended my expectations both ways.

1- Worst of all: The movie LOOKS BAD. This is the #1 problem with "Solo." Cinematographer Brandon Young keeps things dark, muddy, hazy, brown, washed out. There isn't a single scene that "pops" on screen and a couple action sequences are so dark I couldn't even tell what was going on. This dude should've been fired along with the original directors. Visually, the movie's a disaster.

2- Considering up to this point the guy could do no wrong in my book, I was shocked by how bad Donald Glover is as Lando Calrissian, and it's got nothing to do with his "pansexuality." The performance is all over the place. A few points, he appears to be doing a straight-up Billy Dee Williams imitation. In some parts, he seems to be trying to do his own thing. A few scenes are painfully goofy and he seems embarrassed.

While I was expecting Alden Ehrenreich to be overmatched by his titular predecessor, it turns out Glover's the one who tanks it. HE's the smaller-than-life actor playing the larger-than-life character. Totally unexpected.

3- The episodic narrative flows organically enough, but the middle section drags badly with no emotional charge or excitement. This was where I felt, "Okay, here we go, it's going off the rails." But the story rallies and the last half hour is pretty good, with dramatic tension and two solid payoffs.

4- There's minimal societal "programming," but it's there. All the stuff with the "woke" "female" robot and Lando's love for "her" is wince-inducing. So bad. There's a reference that "there's no difference between tribe and family," which I found an odd thing to say. But it's minimal, and not baked into the film like it was in the insufferably smug and legacy-hating TLJ.

5- Alden Ehrenreich isn't terrible. He's serviceable. He's not "my" Han Solo by any means, but he's not the absolute stink bomb I was expecting, either. After about a half hour, I was like "Look, you can either go with what he's doing or not," and I decided to hop on, because at least it's an actor giving an actual performance. It's not Harrison Ford's Han Solo, not even close, but it's not the all-over-the-map mess Glover gives, either. Unfortunately, "serviceable" is not enough when your predecessor was Harrison Ford.

6- Woody Harrelson and Paul Bettany are fantastic, though the former is now in "Hey! It's Woody Harrelson!" territory, where it's getting tougher and tougher to separate the actor from the role. Emilia Clarke, who I don't think is a very good actress, did a better job than expected.

7- The best action sequence, a train robbery, comes early, which leaves the film feeling slightly anticlimactic afterwards. This sequence would have been even better if the cinematography didn't LOOK BAD.

"Solo" suffered at the box office because "The Last Jedi" was so hated by so many people that Disney actually harmed the brand. "Solo" is actually a ton better than TLJ (except for the cinematography, WHICH LOOKS LIKE BAD), but that's the way it goes.

The Third Man (1949)

One of the Best Films Ever Made

[10/10 · 28 January 2018]

Don't think I've got much to add about this film, which I can't believe I only saw for the first time this weekend, considering all the good I've heard about it.

It's so expertly made, one scene plays right into the next perfectly, it's constructed and shot masterfully, the cinematography is both beautiful and bizarre at times, and the performances Movie Star classic.

The scene that lasts five minutes or so when Joseph Cotton meets Orson Welles and they talk for the first time at the ferris wheel is one of the most interesting, suspenseful and well-acted sequences in any movie I've seen, ever.

Can't say enough good things about this, especially because so many already have. If you've not seen "The Third Man," you must.