Hollywood Squares (1998–2004)
Tom Bergeron: Self - Host
Quotes
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Tom Bergeron : [It is the end of the main game of the show, and it is time count the number of squares each contestant earned in this round] Let's count up our squares. Now Brianna, you have two which gives you a thousand dollars and our thanks for being here on Hollywood Squares.
[shakes hands as audience applauds skeptically and Whoopi Goldberg has a puzzled look on her face, as Brianna's podium shows that she has won another thousand dollars from a previous game]
Tom Bergeron : You look stunned!
[turns to other contestant]
Tom Bergeron : Now Alan, you've added three squares to your total, that gives you...
[off-stage crew begins yelling 'hold it!' and confusion ensues before Bergeron realizes his mistake]
Tom Bergeron : Oh she won!
[bursts into laughter as audience and panelists laugh and applaud]
Tom Bergeron : I guess that Emmy nomination's shot to shit right now!
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Tom Bergeron : Recently on Live with Regis and Kelly, Kelly Ripa started a club called "Rip-heads". What are "Rip-heads"?
Martin Mull : Rip-heads are people who couldn't get into Mensa if you spotted them 200 points.
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Tom Bergeron : First, he was Prince. Then, he was The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. After that, he was simply The Artist. What is he known as now?
Simon Cowell : The Artist Who Formerly Sold Records.
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Jeffrey Tambor : Well, it's a good thing you asked me this question. Because I was a history major in high school.
Tom Bergeron : Really?
Jeffrey Tambor : No.
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[Jeffrey Tambor has just received a tennis question]
Jeffrey Tambor : You know, this is interesting, because I used to be a tennis coach.
Tom Bergeron : Really?
Jeffrey Tambor : [shakes his head] No.
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[In the bonus round, the contestant narrows his choices down to two keys and picks the wrong one]
Tom Bergeron : Well, as you know... hold on.
[Tom walks over and takes a cue card from the grip]
Tom Bergeron : They actually had to show me this.
[Tom shows the audience the cue card]
Tom Bergeron : "Show him the correct key." IT'S THE ONE HE DIDN'T PICK.
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Tom Bergeron : A $50,000 Gulfstream jet is the most expensive thing purchased using what?
Guest Appearance : Dollars?
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Tom Bergeron : When spelled out in Scrabble tiles, which is worth more points? "Tom Bergeron" or "sex machine"?
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Tom Bergeron : What should you do about a hairy back?
Gilbert Gottfried : I usually close my eyes and imagine she's wearing an alpaca sweater.
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Tom Bergeron : So what do you do for a living?
Contestant : I teach ESL, English as a Second Language
Tom Bergeron : So what do you teach?
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Tom Bergeron : [the final question asked on the series] What is New Holland blue and sits on the White House lawn?
Martin Mull : It is a flower, a tulip I believe.
Martin Mull , Contestant : I agree
Tom Bergeron : No, it's the tractor that mows the White House lawn.
[horn honks]
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Tom Bergeron : [the final question asked on the series] What is New Holland blue and sits on the White House lawn?
Martin Mull : It is a flower, a tulip I believe.
Contestant : I agree
Tom Bergeron : No, it's the tractor that mows the White House lawn.