- Red Green: Well, I'm not gonna be calling the U.S. Air Force, Harold. What do I say? We've got a missile? They take that as a threat, we're in real trouble.
- Harold Green: Well, then, contact the Canadian Air Force.
- Red Green: Harold, it's after six; he's gone home.
- [closing line of each episode]
- Red Green: And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge... keep your stick on the ice.
- [the "Men Anonymous" pledge, or the Man's Prayer]
- All: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.
- [Red talks about the Seven Stages of Parking]
- Red Green: Stage One, you're a kid. All you have to park is your butt. Then you hit Stage Two, you're a teenager. Now you're out parking with a girl who has a pretty good chance of being your future wife. Followed by Stage Three, you're married with kids, now you're parking at McDonald's. The one with the play area. Then we have Stage Four. Kids are grown, and they're working - coincidentally, at McDonald's. You've now gone out, got yourself a sportscar, and you're caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife. Okay, this leads immediately to Stage Five. Now you're parking in the garage, where you're also living. Now comes Stage Six. You're old. No license, no car, no parking spot. Then we have Stage Seven. You're parked. I'm talking permanently. I mean, you got your own parking spot, even has your name over it.
- Arnie Dogen: [singing] When you feel like a toad on the highway of life... and everyone seems like a steel-belted radial... when you're lyin' there squished in an assortment of bodily fluids... at least you left your mark.
- Harold Green: [Reading from a driver's manual] "Two drivers approach an umarked intersection at the same time. Who has the right-of-way?"
- Red Green: The guy in the big truck.
- Harold Green: No, Uncle Red. It says here, "The guy on the right always has the right-of-way."
- Red Green: Unless the other guy has the big truck.
- Harold Green: Uncle Red, check the manual.
- Red Green: Harold, check the cemetery.
- Red Green: You ever see one of these? It's called a GPS, which stands for - well, who cares? Point is, this thing uses satellites to tell you where you are, which means that every man can have a five-hundred-dollar reason not to ask for directions.
- Red Green: [advice on why not to re-marry] She's marrying you for the exact opposite reason you're marrying her: she thinks you'll change. She thinks you'll change, for the BETTER. Things don't get better as they get older. Look at your truck. Look at your roof. Look in the MIRROR!
- Red Green: You can't be forgetting your wedding anniversary, Dalton.
- Dalton Humphries: Yeah, it's kind of ironic when the second dumbest thing you ever did was to forget the dumbest thing you ever did.
- Harold Green: Where does cheese come from, anyway?
- Red Green: I'm not sure but I think butter comes from leaving milk out too long.
- Harold Green: Maybe cheese is butter that has been left out too long...
- Red Green: Yeah, could be... but I always thought cheese was a urine product. No, maybe that's cheez-whiz.
- Edgar Montrose: Your wife left you? Blow up the stove. Otherwise you'll start cooking for yourself and that's dangerous.
- Red Green: [singing] Oh, they're weighin' the fish at the fish weigh-in, down at Mercury Creek / The prize is a boat and a thousand bucks for the biggest fish of the week / I caught me a nice little sunfish, it's gonna make me a winner / Not from the weight of the fish itself, but the ball bearings I fed it for dinner.
- Red Green: And the best part is, Junior doesn't need a license to fly it. Apparently, it qualifies as a 'manned kite'. Or a 'manned lightning rod'; we'll see.
- Red Green: [singing] When life gets you down and you can't wait to die / when the slightest contusion puts tears in your eyes / Here's what I do when everything goes wrong / I go on my own TV show and sing a song / Oh well! At least I'm not a mole / Oh well! At least I'm not a mole - either kind / One I'm underground, totally blind / The other I'm a blemish on someone's behind / So put a smile on that long, long face... unless you're a mole, in which case I apologize for this insensitive song.
- Harold Green: Well, you know what I think...
- Red Green: It doesn't matter what you think, Harold. If you were married, you'd know that.
- Harold Green: Badgers sleep in holes in the ground. How did one get in Old Man Sedgwick's pants?
- Red Green: Old Man Sedgwick was sleeping in a hole in the ground.
- Red Green: Pretty soon, you're going to find yourself going on and on about every topic under the sun, and you're going to wonder, "Why am I suddenly the Encyclopedia Britannica in shorts and a T-shirt? And why this urge to tell anyone with ears?" Well, you're a middle-aged man now. And middle-aged men know everything. Oh, yeah. Middle-aged men know the best route on any highway from one place to another place. We know how to fix stuff. We know how to cut the lawn properly. We know everything. But you got to keep this knowledge to yourself, all right? I know that you know that your neighbor is planting that shrub the wrong way, but don't say anything. I too have seen my wife wallpaper the bedroom the hard way. Just keep your mouth shut, all right? Because when they found out how smart we are, they get jealous, all right? I don't know who said, "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing," but I'm guessing it was a middle-aged man. So whatever it is you know - and I know it's a lot - keep it under your hat and you'll be able to keep your friends. Believe me, I know.
- Red Green: [trying to unscrew a jar of nitroglycerin] It would work better if that finger wasn't missing.
- Edgar Montrose: Oh, it's not missing, Red. I know exactly where it is. It's back up at the quarry, still pointing at the "no smoking" sign.
- [repeated line]
- Red Green: And men, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
- Red Green: Some men look at a problem like this and try to find a solution. I prefer to figure out whose fault it is and let them take care of it.
- Red Green: One man's junk is another man's antique and if someone thinks rust and dust turns trash into cash, who am I to argue? These people are a lot smarter than we are.
- Red Green: [singing] Oh, the mountain is high and the valley is low/It's the laws of Nature that make it so/If the valley is high and the mountain is low/You're either upside down or drunk or both.
- [Red tries to get Dalton to guess the word 'Paranoid']
- Red Green: You got two slippers. That makes a...?
- Dalton Humphries: Pair.
- Red Green: Someone bugs you, you get...?
- Dalton Humphries: Annoyed.
- Red Green: Put 'em together. Put 'em together.
- Dalton Humphries: You say someone's stealing my slippers to annoy me? You know, it's probably my neighbor, you know, because he's trying to get me. Sometimes I sneak into his house at night and rearrange his furniture.
- Red Green: All right, and he thinks that way because he's...
- Dalton Humphries: ...caught me doing it.
- Red Green: You know, guys don't like to ask anybody for help. Women think it's because it makes us look weak, but that's not it. No, guys hate asking friends for help on a project because it means selling yourself into slavery. It's called payback work. If I ask a friend to help me do something smart like build a winterized garage for my snowmobile, then I'd have go help him do something stupid, like pour a cement pad for his rocket launcher. And why would I want to do that? If I've already finished my project, I don't want to do any more work. That payback work is nagging away in the back of your mind. Just like that relative living in the guest room. No matter what you say or what you do, it will not leave. You want my advice? You need something that needs to be fixed, hire a professional. If it's not bad enough to need a professional, fix it yourself and it will be. Believe me, you're better paying in cash once than paying in payback work the rest of your life.
- Dalton Humphries: [showing Red a bouquet of flowers for show's return] I went to a lot of trouble to get these. Cemetery gates were locked when I got there.
- Kevin Black: [Trying to get Red to guess 'sushi' in the Possum Lodge Word Game] A kind of bar.
- Red Green: Open.
- Kevin Black: No. A kind of bar you don't like.
- Red Green: Oh, cash.
- Kevin Black: Let's go in a different direction, with this. What do you call raw fish?
- Red Green: Bait.
- Kevin Black: What do you call it when people EAT raw fish?
- Red Green: Insane.
- Kevin Black: What would you eat at a Japanese restaurant?
- Red Green: I don't go to Japanese restaurants.
- Kevin Black: But if you did go to a Japanese restaurant, what would you eat?
- Red Green: Pizza.
- Kevin Black: They don't serve pizza.
- Red Green: I'd bring it with me.
- Kevin Black: They don't let you do that.
- Red Green: That's why I don't go!
- Red Green: [poem] It is spring. Tadpoles swim in a stagnant pond, surrounded by floating lilies and water snakes. You're tempted to destroy their world with men and equipment, to dry up the swamp and kill the animals. But what the heck? You don't go down in the basement that often anyway.
- Red Green: I find fruit preserves are kinda like neckties. They're something ya get for Christmas from people who either don't like you or are too cheap to buy ya a real gift.
- Red Green: [singing] This is a love song, more or less for my wife / She's the best thing - or one of the better things - to happen to me, in my life / I'd say what I am, I am because of her - but she wouldn't take that as a compliment / I consider to be perfect - or almost perfect, in a lot of ways / But she could back off on the nagging; that wouldn't hurt at all. Happy Anniversary, Bernice.
- Red Green: If my wife Bernice is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I learned today that you cannot change an ugly thing by hiding it. But I'm still not going to shave my beard off.
- Red Green: [singing] Tougher than iron, not one ounce of fat / All sinew and muscle, and blacker than black... I guess I burned the steaks again.
- Winston Rothschild: Hello, this is Winston Rothschild reminding you: "Your sewage is our bread and butter."
- Red Green: Apparently the water in Possum Lake has just been declared okay for human consumption.
- Harold Green: Really? I wouldn't drink it.
- Red Green: So what? I said *human* consumption.